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#61289 - 02/18/01 10:08 PM A long story; Not for the squeamish (though nothing graphic)
loci Offline

Registered: 02/18/01
Posts: 1
I'm not quite sure what to say here, as I am quite confused myself and very tired. Please bear with me as you read through this mail... know that I am going through a very difficult time in my life, and that I'm writing this to try and get a better sense of what's going on. I also want for people to reply to me, and tell me what they think; the opinions of survivors as well as partners and friends. I should probably be posting this at the gay discussion group as well, but my partner and I agreed that we would give each other privacy by not entering discussion groups where the other person has posted, and I don't know if he is posting to the gay one or not. I'll try to stay coherent.

I am the partner of someone who was sexually abused as a child (this is part of the problem). My partner was abused by his aunt for about two years, from ages 6 through 8 (I must say, in all fairness to her, that she was 12 at the time when it started, and apparently she had been raped by her elder brother and his friends. My partner says that he doesn't exactly know what prior abuse her elder brother had suffered). We both attend university away from our home countries, and during the prep year we were friends. I must say that at this time I was COMPLETELY heterosexual (I felt no attraction whatsoever for men, and I did for women). Yes, like I said, I'm very confused. I am unsure as to the sexuality of my partner at the time, though I think that he had no idea at all of his sexual inclination. He had also been abused later by his neighbor, and at the house of an elder "friend," both male. We lived in the same dorm, though in different rooms. Due to the fact that he had an insufferable roommate (smoking, being inconsiderate, etc.) I invited him to move in to my room. We became very good friends, sharing similar interests and discussed many things. He found that I was very open minded and willing to listen to private matters without judging. I don't remember this period very well, it was about a year and a half ago. I'm very tired at the moment, and am having trouble remembering events in precise chronological order. During this time, he began to feel attracted to me, and I was becoming attached to him. Of course, he didn't allow himself to recognize his attraction; I think that this will be clear to any gay readers. He sufferred, and suffers as I do as well, from the inability to accept homosexuality...I'l try to explain this. Rationally, you know that there's nothing wrong with it...but you still have very mixed emotions. You want something, but you "know" that you shouldn't. And there are repracussions, and "what about all the things that I wanted in my life? am I just ready to let it all go?"...the list is rather long. At the beginning (the "moment") he realized that he cared for me deeply (loved me? I don't know if at that stage), and hugged me strongly, totally surprising me. I sort of froze, not knowing what to do, but I remember thinking "ok. this is a time of strong emotion. this is ok." I hugged him back. Afterward he kissed me, and I fought back, pushing him away. The intervening time is fairly unclear, but one night we experimented (that's about the only way I can describe it) sexually. I masturbated him, and when he had reached orgasm, we both felt very guilty about the whole thing. In the morning, he threw up. After that, he couldn't achieve orgasm through masturbation (by himself) and I don't remember well what I felt at the time, but I know that I felt terribly guilty and soon we lapsed (damn it. shouldn't use that word, but it feels appropriate to me) into a semi-normal sexual pattern. We both felt a good deal of guilt at this time, and we were both trying to end it, and everytime we tried to do it, we couldn't. I almost quit writing this post at this point, due to tiredness, but I feel that I should go on. I'll post more in the future, colouring and such. Our relationship from a sexual stand point has been one of his "needing" as it were. I think that he felt much less uncomfortable than I did, and so was always waiting for me to make the next step, forcing me to take it. We would do things (even kiss on the mouth, something which has been very difficult for me to do... I now enjoy it), and I would feel VERY bad about the thing... I wouldn't feel good physically, even. I think that I had locked myself, almost. I (subconsciously?) forbade myself to enjoy these things. Little by little we would progress further and further. My partner has recently made great progress with the abuse that he sufferred. He is receiving therapy (something which we had both felt he should do from the beginning, but WE weren't ready for it. I particularily feel that my not feeling comfortable with the idea has delayed this important step), and he is not ashamed of it (or much less so) now. He has talked with his entire family about it and other friends. One of the difficult parts was when he discovered that two of his older aunts (the abuser's sisters. The family is a large one, and the abuser being the youngest, there is a great deal of age discrepancy), knew about the abuse and did nothing about it. Their children (my partner's cousins) were later abused by the same aunt. My partner is though, at this time, very unstable and needing a lot of support. He is also trying to put everything in order in his life, and face truths, which brings us to our rather complicated relationship. We live together, in an appartment with another roommate (who pretends that he doesn't know about our relationship though he does (oh, yes, we kept our relationship completely secret for the longest of times. He has now informed several members of his family)), and he often feels that he has harmed me in our relationship, sexually. And sometimes, I feel the same way about him, though he is so in love with me, that he doesn't feel that way. I am very very important to him. I love him too, but I am much more confused sexually than he is, currently. He knows that he wants to be with me (for several years, if not his whole life), and I do not know. I am scared to make a commitment to him, since I am not secure enough. I know I should go to therapy, but I don't know if I am ready, yet. I hope that writing these things down will help me, and that I may find the strength needed to face my problems, and my RESPONSIBILITES in therapy. It is rather frightening. Did he abuse me? Did I abuse him? What are my feelings? Sexually? How responsible am I? The situation had deteriorated recently with his insecurity rising, and my patience ebbing (our whole relationship was structured on my patience), with him demanding certainty, ending with me giving him the only certainty I am capable of, emotionally; that of a break-up (I can't tell him that I am 100% sure about it, and he wants all or nothing). Then we reconcile. This had been a daily to every two day occurrence for at least a week or so, and it has been incredibly damaging emotionally to the both of us. We are currently trying to leave things as they are in the relationship, until we have taken the time to discover better what we want from each other and from ourselves. I have cut out a good deal from the story, deep emotional feelings that I do not feel "up to" bringing them out at the moment. And I will need too. It is the only way that I can begin to heal myself.

Thanks for taking the time to read this. It might sound a little bit strange at the end of a post like this, but take the time to tell someone you love that you love them. I may be confused about a lot of things, but I take my own advice.

#61290 - 02/22/01 01:27 PM Re: A long story; Not for the squeamish (though nothing graphic)
rallyP Offline

Registered: 02/22/01
Posts: 1
There's good news: that survivorship is a reality. I know that inside me there was this little boy afraid of the world, afraid of everything, couldn't say no to anyone. Every day, waking up with a tightness in your chest, going: "How, how am I going to get through the day until tonight?" Then I'd go back to sleep and this hopelessness, that "I'll never be happy, I'll never be successful, I'll always feel hollow or in pain." You can get through it. You can feel whole again. You can lead a good life. Not without problems.
But you can feel whole again.

#61291 - 02/22/01 01:41 PM Re: A long story; Not for the squeamish (though nothing graphic)
latus Offline

Registered: 02/22/01
Posts: 1
Here is something I wanted to share with you...
Sometimes I'm happy
Sometimes I'm sad
Most times I'm scared,
Scared about what people would think
Scared about what people would say!

I feel like locking myself away
Turning my back on the world
Retreating within myself
Closing the door once again,
Running away from the hurt and pain.

I can't bear the shame of it all
I look at myself when I'm in the bath
And relive it all.
The scars serve to remind me,
Bringing it all back again.

I hate myself for allowing it to happen
Putting up with all the pain and shame,
From the age of six to thirteen,
How I feel so unclean!

My life has been ruined
Well, what do you know?
Does this sound cynical?

This secret I've hid
For too many years
Has come back to haunt me
With big teeth and ears,
Too much to live with all my fears!

The lonely nights I spend
Running from the terror
Which lies within
Each night it gets closer
I just can't win.

Sometimes I just want to
But how will that help me?
Will it make me feel proud?

I wish there was someone
I could trust to share
This burden of guilt
Which keeps me here!

Chained to this cellar,
This cellar of despair,
Where hatred and loathing
Fills the air.

I wish there was some way
That I could break free,
Free from the memories
That torture me!

Sometimes when I look at people,
I think they can see,
See with their hearts
How my childhood was taken from me!

All I want, is for someone to love me,
Someone to care,
Someone to say, "Shh, it's alright, I'm here"
Someone to end this nightmare.

But that's me just dreaming,
Dreaming again,
For I know that this nightmare
Can never end.

Who can I trust?
Who can I tell?
Who can I turn to?
To help me escape
From this living hell?

No one would want me,
I'm battered and bruised,
I've been beat up,
Used and abused.

No one to turn to!
No one to care!
No one to ease
This pain of despair!

The scars on my body,
Yes! They are still there,
Only serve to remind me
Of that time - LONG AGO!

David Jamieson 1987

#61292 - 02/27/01 03:14 AM Re: A long story; Not for the squeamish (though nothing graphic)
DAM Offline

Registered: 02/26/01
Posts: 2
I am not able to help you with the issues of abuse as I have not been abused. However, I am gay and relate well to what you say. Unfortunately, accepting being gay takes time and is often like a see-saw. Wanting to be "normal" and feeling guilty was a large part of my coming out. But I can say now that it is ok to be gay. There is nothing wrong with caring for somebody, having trust and strong emotional attachments. This is regardless of gender. I suggest talking to people and (if possible) just being around other gays. This will enable you to see gays in a positive light, rather than hearing about how "bad" being gay is. Last year I woke up one morning and realised that even if I could choose to change - I would not. I like men, and that's all there is to it. I hope that, with time, you may feel this way too.


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