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#61175 - 12/12/00 02:40 PM Please help us get thru this. (very long sorry)
livingwithit Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/08/00
Posts: 21
I am the wife of a survivor, as well as the mother of and a survivor myself. I feel as if my plate is full. My Husband was severly abused from infantcy to 20 the first three years were by his biological mother, the courts took him away and his maternal grandparents raised him until he was 11, they felt they were too old to handle them, (there were three kids). The courts gave them back to his mother, for the next three years he was beaten, raped,(by both female and male). at 14 he was signed over to a church member. She molested him from that time until he was 20 under the guise of a love affair. Promising him a mothers love, as long as he performed for her and kept all of thier secrets. She stopped the sexual part but continued the manipulation (ie, emotional and finacal) until he was 27. At 25 I met him, I knew something was amiss with this woman he called mom. As I am the mother of teen boys and I have never looked at mine like she did. She looked at him like a lover would. She did not like me and I did not like her although I was never disrespectful to her. My husband has two young boys from his first marriage. Anyway, when my son who was 15 came to me about being sexual abused when he was younger, it was right before my husband and I were to be married. I noticed how this affected him but assumed it was because of the childhood abuse being brought up with him, like a trigger. I was unaware of his "Mom" being an abuser also. We got married in June of 99 and within weeks my loving wonderful husband turned into someone I didn't even know. By our first anniversary he had kicked me out of our home, filed for a divorce, had a brief affair, and begged for a reconciliation. I still didn't know about "MOM". A week after we moved back into our home he told me of his mom. He had kept thier dark dirty secret in shame for over 14 years.As soon as he told me he suffered a nervous breakdown. Now I have said that I am a survivor, I am 12 years older then my husband, and have been thru counseling for years. I am very self assured, self confident woman. He for the first time in his life felt safe enough to face his past. He was scared to death of her and of her husband I called her at his request and confronted her, she never denied any of it. Her husband called the next morning and wanted to talk to my husband, at this time my husband would not leave the bedroom, and could do nothing except cry and cuddle his stuffed pig. (something I had read about for comfort). I told his "dad" to talk to her about it, he said I am asking you. I told him. Period, his wife was a child molester. I am not very docile when it comes to this and I was under a lot of stress and strain at this time, I made it clear that I would stand by my husband and that his Mom was extremely lucky to be breathing at this time.

Then came the time to tell his ex wife of it since the "Nana" still had access to his boys. Again I called and he watched from under the blankets like a small child. She cried and we cried, she said it explained so much about the failure of thier own marriage. We agreed that the boys were to have no contact with her. Well it has been four months of recovery for us. His ex wife just called me at work, their oldest (7) had just talked with her about a program in school called good touches and bad touches, he told her that Nana had given him bad touches. My heart sank, we had hoped that we had separated them in time. I have just placed a call to Child Protection Service about this incedent. My husband is still not fully recoverd but is in counseling and on meds. He fluctuates between a man and a small frightened child. He is aware of what his ex wife told me and he just sat quietly and cried. He feels so much right now I am afraid that this will tip him over the edge again. Please give me advice, I felt I had to contact the authorities and told his ex wife this also. She said that is why I called you. You are so much stronger then I am in this. I sometimes wonder if I am strong enough to handle all of this. Thank you for letting me vent and ask for guidance from any and all who would be kind enough to reply. Jenni

#61176 - 12/12/00 09:05 PM Re: Please help us get thru this. (very long sorry)
Gadzook Offline

Registered: 12/10/00
Posts: 72
Loc: Papillion, NEBRASKA (USA)
Your life sounds very familiar. I had my days of hiding under the blankets like a child. I know that life can "at times" be very hard for the spouse. But the way I like to explain it is this way; if it is that hard for you to deal with just try to imagine what your husband is going through. I know you could never fully understand the pain he goes through- but you should be proud of yourself for trying and sticking with him. It's a very difficult task and takes all the love and support you have to deal with it every single day. Many people give up. I don't blame them. It is not easy to live with, especially when you love that person so much. You just hate to see them in any pain. I want you to feel good about yourself and be happy that you are doing the very best you can. The support and love you give to him is everything he needs. If he is anything like myself then sometimes you notice he sounds or acts kind of like a young child would. It is so nice to have someone there that will try to comfort you and try to understand. Your husband is trying his best I am sure. But you also need to give yourself some credit - you are doing a wonderful job. I wish you luck and love through the years. Don't give up on him or yourself. You have done all the right things. I know how difficult it is for you. It is okay to feel sad. You need to let yourself feel whatever it is that you do feel. If you are angry then be that. If you are sad then be that. If you don't allow yourself to "feel" how you need to "feel" then you will have a nervous break down and that won't help eaither of you out. Just know it is okay to feel your emotions. If you need to cry then do so. You have to remember to take care of yourself first. As difficult as that may seem, it is very important to you and to your husband that you do take care of yourself. I hope everything works out well for you. I am sure you both will be just fine. Just relax and tell yourself you have done "all the right things". Because you have!!!!

[This message has been edited by Gadzook (edited 12-12-2000).]

[This message has been edited by Gadzook (edited 12-12-2000).]



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