I had a thought, wonder how many men are out there reading these posts from F&F and never told their partners yet? I bet there are soooo many who read here that swore “I would never tell”. What I mean is that the sorrow and pain they see we feel probably intimidates them into following the pattern they always have. Why tell? They will not believe me, they will look at me differently, they will push me to get help, they will never understand, I will hurt them, we will end up in a divorce. .
I wanted to take a moment to let everyone out there know that even though there is pain in knowing there is MORE pain in finding out after the fact.
What I mean is: I hurt because I had 14 great years but never knew the pain inside my husband’s heart. This until I learned the truth about SA left me feeling inadequate. Like my husband didn’t believe in us. The lies, deception and hurt behind what most people would call an affair was awful. If he had told me about it, as it was, it wouldn’t have hurt as bad. Because these things are kept secret I feel in my case it led me to feel everything about our marriage was a lie.
My husband said: I kept it secret because I knew you wouldn’t understand I didn’t wanna make you think badly. Wanted to keep it inside because I was ashamed. He now has a person to confide in, to open up, to share his pain. The SA is still there and always will be but,. the love we share gives him hope. He knows now that in everything I will stand beside him. Once he confessed he saw how much I really loved him, understand it was hard but he said, worth every word!
Remember guys, when you became a partner, husband, boyfriend, friend with these people you gave them a since of adequacy. That in whatever you faced they would be beside you all the way. In taking my hand in marriage my husband promised to love me, I also. I have given him children, a home, a life. . I make him happy, content and fulfilled. He has a real “love” now. Not only did he deserve it; he makes it worth while.
What I am trying to say is: The road is 2 ways, both really meeting in the middle.
To make yourself feel better I would think confession would be therapeutic. I also think that in that confession you would help your partner also understand they are adequate. I look at it as “he must need me, love me and trust me” if he didn’t it wouldn’t have ever been told. Both come out winners in the end. Problem is, if you look at most of my posts you will see pain, but understand . . I am so happy I know!!
I just wanted to say that myself personally I feel closer to my husband. I know all the bullshit really hurts me, it confuses me and makes me even mad at times. I admit I miss the life before I knew just because the “peace” was there without doubt but. .
I also have said if I knew the story, the real truth. . I would have been hugging, kissing, and holding my husband for dear life instead of asking him to leave when he told me about the affair. To keep secrets is to me, an acceptance of you knowing your wrong doings.
Like I told my husband. What he did that most would consider an affair was not wanted. She got him drunk,. He then remembered his past and acted on it. Long story but . . . he was angry and wanted revenge because she as with the others in his past never spoke of it. .
By not speaking to me for 4 years about what happened with the girl . . . it also showed me he had something to hide and knew he was wrong.
If he would have said, Jay she did this.. I acted like this because of the past. . I felt this way. . It made me feel like this. .
Confession is forgivable, lies are considered deceit. That is why I have pain . .
To those of you that never “acted out” please know that you also would favor from the confession. If your partner is one you trust, one that supports you and you know loves you unconditionally. It would benefit you **I think** to tell your heart out because then it wouldn’t be just “your” problem. Just as this message board is therapeutic because you finally get to talk. . Think about how great it would feel to talk to the one you love the most. To feel their arms around you as you cry and know they are there for support and love you. To realize they are different than all those of your past, finally you found the love you deserve.
Trust me, if it is love they feel for you they will never make all your fears of telling a reality. My being on this board is NOT all about pain, frustration and anger. . It is about finding a cause, a reason and hope. That I do because of love; I seek answers and others like me to not feel alone. I am and always will stand behind my husband, that is love. If you feel that with your significant other, take the chance. . It will be worth it. I know it was for us. The others here on the F&F board are here also because of “love” if not none of us would even care.
Another thing, consider yourself lucky that you have someone to talk to and possibly open up to. I see many posts by others that do not have that luxury. They give us on the F&F board praise for even trying to understand. Deep down I am sure they wish and hope for that type of love. I know there are some out there larking and wondering “should I”, think if you didn’t have a person to even consider. Allow yourself to feel the love others only wish of having. You’re cheating yourself!
Take the chance, go out on a limb. . I’ve seen it posted that alone is an achievement.
I'm not a councler, just a wife . . I see that side, not the other. I just wanted to make a point to let you know from my side the truth is far better than the "never knowing".