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#60902 - 09/23/00 01:25 PM need advise
Dawn Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/28/04
Posts: 2
Loc: North Carolina
Hi Everyone, I am in a relationship with man who was sexually abused at the age of 14 by an uncle, he is now 33. We are very much in love and are going to spend the rest of our lives together. However the affects of the abuse have caused severe sexual problems. We have been together for 2 years and have never experienced intercourse. He is unable to get an erection. I asked him what he feels is his reason for his problem and he tells me he does not know. I tried to talk to him about the abuse but his response to me was that he is very embarrassed to talk about it and he wants to forget what happened. I did not want to pressure him so I let it go just telling him that I love him and I understand. I was raped and lost my virginity at the age of 15. I told him my story, when I was raped what I felt about it and told him the embarrassing things I thought and felt after it had happened hoping that he would realize that he has nothing to be embarrassed about. I love him and NEVER should he feel that I would think any differently of him. He showers me with love and affection he has never pushed me away or ran from our love scared. We are very affectionate and passionate together. But when we are intimate if he does begin to get an erection (which does not happen often) it does not last, he will keep it literally for a 10-15 seconds. I know that this is a result of the abuse. He at times makes excuses, he is tired or had a glass of wine and is to relaxed. I donít say anything but I know those are excuses. How can I get him to open up to me. I love him and he is the most important person In my life. I asked him if he would feel comfortable talking to a therapist but he refused. Please help us!!!

Thank you,

#60903 - 10/03/00 04:23 PM Re: need advise
Peter Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/03/00
Posts: 2
Don't ever believe he doesn't love you. When I was younger it was difficult to let anyone near me. I always thought they just wanted to rape me. And I always equated sex with rape. Your boyfriend my not realize that he too might view intercourse with you as not a physical expression of love between the two of you, but he may think himself a rapist, and to have intercourse would with you would be to take advantage of you. No doubt people betrayed by adults when they were children are all alone for a good part of there life. We fear acceptance more then regection. The most important people in our lives on one level or another betrayed us, rejected us or where not there to protect us. We didn't need to be threatened by the person who raped us. Some where, some how we learned that we were less of a person and no one would be there for us. Your boyfriend might be afraid to accept your love. Just imagine an adult man with all the expectations of society, an adult man who has never experienced love, the love only you can give him.

#60904 - 10/11/00 05:30 PM Re: need advise
Carl123 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/11/00
Posts: 25
Loc: PA, USA

I agree with Peter's post and offer the following additional insight. I was sexually abused by my brother when I was between the ages of 8 and 12. As a result, I have had a very confused sexual identity. Although I am very much attracted to women (I've been married now for over 12 years)as a result of my abuse I have confused sexual desires and find myself also attracted to males. And while my attractions to girls/women have had their natural outlets over the years, my curiosity about or attraction to members of the same sex have not. The result is that I constantly fantasize about same-sex relations. My wife knows this. We talk about it openly, and that has helped a great deal. She reall doesn't care if I'm straight or Bi, so long as I love her. That acceptance has helped me to open up and love her even more. But I must admidt, in the beginning my head was spinning in all directions and I was so confused sometimes it effected my ability to perform as well. Sometimes, I was just so full of guilt about what I'd thought about earlier in the day that I felt unloveable by her.

So my advice is to talk to him. Slowly over time. Be candid with him. Ask him to open upand share his real thoughts and feelings with you. That is if you're not afraid to hear what he may tell you. But be caring and don't judeg him. Just listen and love.

He also needs to see a therapist now. Beleive me, it only gets worse the longer you wait.

Good luck! My prayers go out to you both.

#60905 - 10/12/00 07:14 PM Re: need advise
miel000 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/12/00
Posts: 2
Hello Dawn--

I can completely relate to your situation, in fact, it is why I have landed upon this website.

I am 23 years old and have been dating a wonderful man for over a year. It is, most definately, the most important and loving relationship I have ever been in.

About six months ago my boyfriend began to remembere that he was sexually abused by his brother when he was young. Before remembering this, he was unable to have sexual intercourse, but did not realize why. He was also uncomfortable with his sexuality; expecially his body, but that has lessened as we have grown closer and more comfortable. After he began remembering the abuse, he realized that these sexual issues were related, and he began seeing a therapist.

The problem is, the therapist did not specialize in sexual abuse, but in Jungian philosophy, and my boyfriend has since stopped seeing him after only a month or so. At first he said that he stopped because he intented to join a therapy group, apparently at the urgings of his therapist, but he never has.

I firmly believe that my boyfriend needs to see a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse, and I have told him this several times. Whenever we discuss this issue he says that he feels that he does not need it because he is reading books, or he is thinking about it, or some other excuse. I have explained to him that I am concerned not only because it is dramatically affecting our sexual life, but also because I believe that it is absolutely necessary for him, period. I feel that he thinks I am concerned only because we are not having sex.

About two months ago we got caught up in the heat of passion and attempted to have sexual intercourse. The result was very traumatizing for both of us, and we have not attempted since, althogh we have discussed what happened.

The last time we discussed these issues, which was over a month ago, I explained to him that I was frustrated that he was not actively seeking any help. He said that he understood that I needed to be satisfied sexually, and that since it was going to take him a long time to get over this, he would understand if I broke up with him. I told him that I would not accept the easy out, that he had to get help.

The problem is that since this conversation I have found myself increasingly more angry at him. Angry because he is not willing to find a therapist when to not do so will obviously kill our relationship. Angry that this situation has become a major controlling factor in our sexual relationship. And angry that while I have been, in the past, willing to wait--he is more willing to give up and take the easy road. I just don't know what to do about this.

So I'm sorry Dawn, I don't have any advise for you, but perhaps my situation will help in a little way.

If anyone has any comment or advise for my situation, please help. I have no idea what I am supposed to do.


#60906 - 10/16/00 07:56 PM Re: need advise
Carl123 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/11/00
Posts: 25
Loc: PA, USA
Dear Miel;

I'm am 40 years old and have been married for over 12 years. I come from the exact same background your boyfriend does. My brother sexually abused me and all the symptoms you explained pertain to me as well. Although I never had too much of a problem performing sexually with girls/women, I have always beed uncomforatable about my body, my sexuality and all the related issues. Luckily my wife is very understanding and has helped me a great deal simply by listenting to me and accepting me for who I am without judging me.

If you love your boyfreind, then encourage him to open up to you. Listen to him without judging him and let him know you support him. The biggest problem we suffer from is isolation; feeling that we are wierd and strange and no one will understand our secrets. Encourage him to open up and be honest about what he's thinking and feeling but don't be shocked by what you hear. If he's worth keeping (and it sounds like he is), then you have to be prepared for many years of work.

As far as therapy goes, he is right to claim he needs to see a sexual abuse specialist. They are not, however, easy to find. Please don't get down on him because he seems to be taking the easy road out. I can speakfrom experience.It's very, very traumatic to open up all those wounds. He'sprobably scared or in denial. Please, please, please encourage him gently to try again. or research therpaists and other groups that can help him and nudge him in that direction. Trust me, reading the books help, but sometimes the books make the hurt so bad it's tough to go on.

Good luck!


#60907 - 10/19/00 01:09 PM Re: need advise

I have recently found out that my boyfriend was sexually and phisically abuse from a very young age for a number of years. He won't talk much about it but he was very annoyed when I found out, I'm not sure if he was annoyed at me or himself. He has no problems making love but he is very closed off afterwards and will not stay in the same room. He works long hours and doesn't sleep much. He said he will only sleep if I am and he is always awake when I wake up, is this related to the abuse?

The man who abused him is his father and died a few years ago, I have also found out that his brothers were all abused aswell, one of his brothers is living with us and I fear that he has not told his girlfriend and he is also showing the same signs as my boyfriend but I don't know if I should be trying to help him aswell, he is practically a stranger as we have only know each other a short while.

If some one could answer my questions and possibly contribute a little extra information i would be eternally gratefull.

#60908 - 10/21/00 04:49 PM Re: need advise
miel000 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/12/00
Posts: 2

thanks for the encouragement. I did not mean to sound as if I was not supporting my boyfriend, or trying to understand his pain. Believe me, we talk about this a lot. My last post was written out of extreme frustration, and actually was quite theraputic for me--so thanks for providing the forum for me to think things through. And thanks for responding.
Truth is, I was also abused as a child, so a part of me can at least relate to his situation. One thing I'd like to point out is that I am the one who believes that he needs to see a therapist that specializes in sexual abuse, not him. He is the one who went to see a Jungian therapist and then stopped.

Since my last post my boyfriend and I have discussed the issue of therapy again, and he is considering group therapy. I do understand that I need to be as supportive as I possibly can with him--but it is so frustrating, especially since it is only recently that he has absolutely refused to seek any professional help. I understand that this is a big step. Cordie, I do not have any answers to your question, but I understand how difficult it is to be sexual with someone who has been abused--my boyfriend and I are still not having sexual intercourse and we have been together for a year. Encourage him to seek counseling.
My question for everyone is, does anyone here know of a good group or therapist in New York City? I do not even know where to start looking. Thanks, miel

#60909 - 10/21/00 11:03 PM Re: need advise
waters Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/21/00
Posts: 4
Just a suggestion for dawn and miel. Focus on yourself more. Get counseling for yourself so you can take the pressure off your relationship. Also, there may be issues that you need to deal with concerning your own sexuality. Miel, there must be a ton of
good support groups and therapists in N.Y.C.
You could use the computer to get some listings. Good luck!


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