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#60883 - 07/19/04 02:22 PM Re: Is my husband repeating the cycle?
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
>>>I honestly have been trying to minimize what happened, especially since he did not hit me or anything, it just seemed so out of character for him.

Dont do that. The psychological consequences for you (feeling crazy, depression) are too serious. Stuffing this inside and "making it all ok" on the surface has a way of pickling your brain. Been there, done that.

>>>He did apologize later on that day for losing his temper,

Ppl with an anger problem usually do - you should look up the typical "anger cycle" on the internet somewhere - I'm sure there is a diagram out there. Usually the anger-problem person somewhere is triggered, the anger builds and builds, they blow up, then there is a phase of remorse where the abuser feels really bad, then a "honeymoon phase" where things are never better, its all wine and roses and romance, and at that point you are lulled into a false sense of confidence where everything is ok, then the cycle restarts again. The only thing that can break that cycle is for the person with the abusive/anger problem to get some education on what they are doing, some insight on when it starts to happen in them and to work on those "anger-inducing" inner beliefs, and then also to learn some new skills to deal with anger once it starts to build again.

>>>His excuse has been that he is dealing with it, or he tries not to think about it.

Excuses wont work. This situation WONT clear up on its own. It wont work to try not to think about it, it wont work to try and sweep it under the rug, it wont work to say one is dealing with it but then not to do anything about it. It will only be fixed by him learning a bit more about himself, him getting him to feel better about himself (people act in anger when they feel bad about themself and/or they are so afraid of their environment that they have to control it by any means necessary) he also has to clearly understanding that it is unacceptable to threaten physical harm or to actually act on violent urges, and for him to learn new ways of behaving when he is angry. He does not have to learn them necessarily by therapy, but that is the best way to learn them. Better to learn by therapy than by loosing his cool and actually hitting you and being convicted of assault. Some people learn their lessons the easy way (therapy) and some learn the hard way (being left, dumped, or charged for assault).


#60884 - 07/19/04 02:25 PM Re: Is my husband repeating the cycle?
Aden Offline

Registered: 07/05/04
Posts: 499

Dave/lloydy got it right. Protect your self first. Help your husband if you can, but under no circumstances allow your self to be abused in any way.

A little pinch on the elbow today can be a broken bone tomarrow. Many men who were abused become abusive. But then a strong caring person who loves us can put a stop to that. Sometimes. Look after yourself first.

My ex-wife beat me once. She hit me 40 times before I stopped her. We need to be understanding with the people we love. Sometimes we need to know when to duck. Other times we have got to strike back. And then there are the times that calling my wife the "EX" is the only solution left to me.


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