The idea that I was happy and in love for so long, entirely ignorant of the suffering and fear and self-hate that the person I was supposed to care for the most was carrying around. I don't know if I will forgive myself for having peace for all that time.
I'm not at all mad at myself for not recognizing the fact that my husband was SA. As you said in another post about being "tested":
At the time I didn't even know he'd been sexually abused.
I asked him what the right answer would have been... all those times he'd been giving me bullshit answers, basically telling me that if I didn't blindly accept them I would be a bad friend and partner, what could I have said that would have made him understand that I cared about him? That stopped him short. He basically said that there was nothing I could have said, that there was no right answer. He was the one who used the word "test..." he said he'd been setting me up to let him down, putting me in a situation where I had to be like everyone else.
To love him, I did. To trust him I also did. I felt we had a great marriage, great communication and that ANYTHING
he had problems with we were open enough to talk about.
I do know I did EVERYTHING
as a wife I was capable of to make our marriage great. He and I were one of a kind . . then . . I was hit with the hell I face daily and sometimes feel the whole 14 years was nothing but a lie.
I hurt because sometimes I feel like I should have been something more. I should have been . . . then I learned I was doing nothing wrong. You helped teach me that SAR. I hope you practice what you preach. Sounds like you were a great partner, and are now. I realize more everyday his life and mine together then wasn't a lie at all. I have to keep in mind as others do that the SA is NOT OUR RELATIONSHIP
like you said, it's just a bump in the road. I can't ignore all the wonderful things we have shared. The 14 years of passion and love that he and I knew, it wasn't ever a lie. I was his love, his support and the one person he held himself up on.
Think of it like this I tell myself: If he didn't have my love, my support wouldn't that 14 years of hell he faced daily alone be more painful. I showed him what love was all about.
I look at this as my old marriage is dead but we are working at a new improved marriage where we communicate better, are less judgemental, respect each other more, try to meet each others needs and be there for each other through all of this
I will not accept that the marriage was dead because as I said, the SA is NOT all our marriage was about. To accept there was a "reason" for any adultry is hard but, if you are going to give it a "reason" you have to chalk it up to that completely.
What I am saying is the marriage was never the cause of the adultry. I am saying in my case; SA as the cause therefore, it was never about the marriage at all. The same goes for all the other problems I face; it wasn't a problem in the marriage that caused the 14 years of never knowing, it was the programming that my husband had that kept the secret. Nothing I did would have helped, it was all on his time and when he was willing to talk.
The peace I want is understanding, to see the affair the same as my husband. As I said to him, the lies led me to feel he was covering something up, something more. He said he never had feelings for the girl . . but give me 2 months of bullshit to think about and the confusion sets in, I can't see lies from truth at times.
I see my pain, my heart ache and then the guilt of not understanding tears at my heart as well . . mental warefare . . no peace. I want all the doubt, thoughts, images . . I wan't it gone.
I told my husband that he searches for WHY all the time. This is because he can't understand how in his case his brother . . aunt . . uncle . . could do these things without considering him . .
Tell me why then can't I ask WHY at times. I was also hurt but by the one person who gave me his life. The "why" I can't understand is the same . . how did you do those things without considering me?
ON GOOD DAYS I REALIZE IT WAS NEVER ABOUT ME AT ALL!!!