this is a what the 'Dictionary of Psychology' says about acting out and acting in -
A rather irrational, impulsive display.
This meaning is usually reserved for uncontrollable outbursts in problem children.
The display of feeling and emotion which has previously been inhibited. Here the term is used with a neutral or even positive connotation in that such self expression is regarded as healthy and therapeutic.A coping style in which the individual deals with conflict or stress by actions rather than reflections or feelings"
There is, oddly, no entry for 'acting in' but it is generally accepted that it is more or less opposite and the individual deals with conflict or stress USING reflections or feelings"
The important part regarding survivors is the last bit, we act out using ACTIONS, and these can be anything, not just sexual. Drink, drugs, violence, porn and anything that is an 'action' is acting out.
This is also thought of as a predominantly male behaviour, and women tend to act in and deal with stressors and conflicts in a much more emotional way than men do.
Obviously none of this is cast in stone, but it does seem to be the way it is, men display the effects of their trauma with 'actions', and women do it in their 'heads'.
I'm ok, my brand new 3 ton company van had hand brake failure and ran away down a busy street, wrecking a new BMW before going down a pavement and lodging itself in a pub doorway, I was stood in a cake shop watching it go past the window! Thankfully nobody was hurt at all, but it was close.
Hey, you're a Northerner, you should know Ronnie Barker's 'Arkwright' from the sitcom 'Open All Hours' He had the best stammer I've ever heard.
Here is another thought: is it possible to abuse your significant other so much that at some point they do understand because at some point they become a survivor?
I would say "yes"
Thankfully, I don't think I've done this myself, but I freely admit that over the years I've given my wife a lot of unneccessary hard time.
Obviously different people have different tolerances, and I think I'm extremely fortunate that my wife is very tolerant of both my needs and me pushing the limits of our relationship.
But I can see that there must be limits and boundaries that we ( especially me ) must accept and adhere to.
I 'know' when I'm pushing my luck now, but it hasn't always been that way, and boundaries that we've agreed have been broken by me. And she's let me know when I do!
Having said that, it's what I want her to do. How else am I going to learn? If she just kept adjusting her levels of tolerance and allowed me to ride over our boundaries then I'd be back where I was 10 or 15 years ago.
I'm always saying that survivors "have to do it our way, and in our time" - and I stick by that, because what I mean by that statement is that other people cannot possible do our recovery for us.
So my view is, that we have to be allowed to do our own recovery, but NOT at the expense of those around us who love us, support us, and do their level best to understand us.
Why should you put up with crap from us? you shouldn't, and that's a major part of our learning and recovery; understanding that just because we suffered 'crap' as kids it doesn't give us the right to inflict crap on others.
Yes, it's going to happen because we're learning, and like a baby falls over when learning to walk, we 'fall over' sometimes.
When that happens though we should also have the balls to stand up and deal with our fall, WITH our partners.
For those of us that are in a relationship we do have advantages and disadvantages. ( BIG genaralisations following )
Obviously we have the advantage of love and support, someone to share our feelings with, and the prospect of the relationship growing.
But we do have all this as an extra area of thought alongside our own very personal recovery.
Single people are possibly more likely to be the opposite of that.
But I know that for all my falling down, the times my wife has said "come here, I want a word" I would personally not change a thing.
I don't really know what to say about a situation where this doesn't happen though, but I can see your point that if the survivors does, constantly, break the boundaries and behaves with disregard for their partner than eventually the partner could become victimised in much the same way the CSA victim / survivor is or was.
Maybe it's a case of the partner being dragged down to the ( struggling ? ) survivors levels of behaviours and thinking rather than the survivor moving forward and attaining the partners levels, assuming the partner is somewhat 'in front' of the survivor.
I'm a firm believer in the ethic that nobody should suffer at another persons expense.
That's something every survivor who has a partner, family or close friends that are willing to support and love us should strive to live by.
PS. If this reply make no sense it's because AOL threw me offline at the exact moment I pressed 'add reply' and I lost the complete post.
You have no idea how much I hate that BITCH that says "goodbye" in such a smartarse voice !