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#60660 - 07/11/04 01:51 AM Re: Question for the F&F
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA

I knew my boyfriend for 11 years and lived with him for 7 before he told me about his SA.

Even before he told me, I knew a lot about his childhood, we grew up in the same town. So I could tell that things weren't always right with him but I had always chalked it up to the problems I already knew about.

Honestly, even with all the stress of dealing with the SA and flashbacks and the discovery of his acting out, I think things are easier for us now than they were before he disclosed. He doesn't have to be vigilant with his secrets and that makes everything easier. I don't have to feel guilty and responsible anymore about his acting out and issues with sex. I love him more for trusting me and I think he loves me more for being there for him and not judging him.

****POSSIBLE TRIGGER*************

But he also chose me to tell; when you say "I am going to have to tell my sister" I wonder if she's someone you want to tell. My boyfriend hasn't told any of his family members and I think it would be a mistake if he did; they are so self-centered and ridiculous that they'd take it as an excuse to absolve themselves of anything they ever did wrong: "It's not OUR fault that he has these problems it's the abusers..." without wondering about their own role first in making him vulnerable and then in having him in an environment where no one noticed and he was afraid to tell.

#60661 - 07/11/04 04:14 PM Re: Question for the F&F
jaywho Offline

Registered: 06/29/04
Posts: 39
Loc: WV
Hey, I've known my husband since I was 14, and he 16. That is 14 years 1/2 my life. I just got told like 4 months ago. I had a situation that caused him to tell. . He didn't on his own. He said that he wished he gave in years ago. He isn't alone and can talk about issues that bothered him now. I give him strength and courage. He sees it differently.

I think you should remember when telling anyone that it is "your life". If this is something you want to do to "claim" your freedom. . Who cares what she does or feels about it?

Being a sister and supporting you is all she really needs to be concerned with. If you don't feel she will be then maybe either keep it to yourself *or* get it off your back and know she may not understand but it isn't really important. . YOU ARE. If this is something you need to heal. . Go for it!

In four months my husband has went from crying to me; to sitting at the dinner table talking about it openly. He spoke to his brother yesterday his PERP and confronted him. I am so proud of the way he is handling it and if your sister loves you . . . she will be too.

My husband hasnít told his sister or his other brother because he wasnít sure how they would react. Since he has told me, a story about his older brother being raped by their ancle has surfaced. What I am saying is if your brother was by the teacher; you by his father; what about the sister? Maybe not one that she would like to talk about and you may help her bring it out. She may also remember more than you if she is older and give you some insight.

As for your reaction to this be aware. I think it took like 3 weeks for my husband to feel comfortable with me knowing. Sometimes I still wonder? He said it is hard kind of letting it out after 25 years and knowing someone else knows! He out of the blue looks at me and says, "I love ya Jay". But the tone is almost like scared but appreciative.

I think you should reclaim your life and make it your own. What I mean by that is like I told my husband. . Stop pretending, youíre not an actor and you have nothing to hide! You'll I think be happier when you don't have to step on the stage every time you see her!

Love and peace, hope it goes well! Jay who


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