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#60532 - 07/07/04 12:53 AM Alone time???

I have to give my boyfriend lots of alone time. LOTS AND LOTS of it, he like to be alone lots. Well, every long weekend, he says he hates when I ask to do something for the weekend, he states he needs lots of alone time. Then he says he will never change, (I dont wanna change him), and that this is him, if I dont want him, to find another boyfriend to give me tons and tons of attention (I dont want another boyfriend), and he blurts thesse things out, then as I was crying he states in a disappointed tone of himself, that while I pour out my feelings, he just plays computer games and fidgets (I mention I understand that its hard for him to deal with emotions), then ends it off with the "what do I want to TAKE from him speech", well, wholy cow. Always thinking I wanna take, so to compensate, I give give give to try to make him understand I dont wanna take. Anyways, we dont break up, I say I want him for him, and not to be so hard on himself, but WHY DOES HE DO THIS AT ODD TIMES, always telling me this is the way he is and if I need more to go. (he doesnt say this in a mean tone by the way). Almost seems very helpless and very sad. I dont want to change him, but I gotta admit, I do want to change how he feels sad lots, and I know that isnt up to me, I know that by reading all the posts, but can it ever get better and stronger???? How did a lot of you get past this in the beginning of relationships to progress in them. p.s. he is also scared of committment of course, clostrophobic to touch, and stuff too. How do I know whether he cares about me or not, when he doesnt talk feelings. p.s. I dont want to take from him. What should I do?

#60533 - 07/07/04 03:54 AM Re: Alone time???
guy Offline

Registered: 05/30/04
Posts: 236
Loc: nc

i am a male survivor with two ex-wives and three ex live in g/friends.

for me, i withdrew alot for no reason that i would admit. i also think and now know i was suffering from depression. lso, for me not loving myself and feeling dirty, naughty, or bad-no matter how good i did certain things.

i could be happy, sad, whatever.

i really don't know you two at all but i can share some of what transpired with me and what i think may be of help.

maybe he would go to a counseler with you for couples. if he throws up things at you, i think that is his natural inseucrity and fear and dis-trust related from his abuse.

i think he needs to know you love him, he is safe with you, you will not betray him, and you will stand by him through it all. i never had that or allowed myself to have that before.

i also think that some time being alone, withdrawing is what we do. for me, it was not them, it was me. i would embellish or be compulsive about some thoughts be it work, children, finances, or whatever. it did not mean i did not love my female partner. it was me.

finally i went to a doctor, got an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety medication. they have helped some. i also finally went to a therapist who specializes in adjustment dis-orders-fancy term for being "whacked out" after my last devastating to me break up. finally i admitted my abuse after hiding it for so long.

i am better at being honest but trust few. he has to have complete love and trust from you for him to be able to open up. maybe he will never do so like i did without going to therapy after a hurtful and devasting break up.

that is what occurred to me and my fine ex- partners, just some suggestions to try to help.

good luck, guy

#60534 - 07/09/04 12:03 PM Re: Alone time???

thanks for your helpful post!


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