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#60189 - 02/13/06 08:42 AM Searching for answers
1234 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/13/06
Posts: 2
Reading these entries truly brings tears to my eyes because I am dealing with many of these issues daily. I am the wife of a male survivor (and a survivor myself). My husband just recently told me that he had three extra martial affairs with men over the last eight years of our marriage (we have been married for 13). (This inforamtion was disclosed to me after I found his personal ad with pictures on a gay website). He and I had been previously discussing his "curiousity" to men and if it related to his abuse (but at the time I did not know about the affairs). We have been in therapy for several months and we both desire to create a relationship that isn't dominated by our past abuse. I have yet to deal with the betrayal of the affairs because I have such an intense fear that his "sexual confusion" will lead to him telling me that he's gay. I'm not sure what to do next...every book, website, and therapist has said to be patient. But as I sit in therapy and read these books and talk to my husband about the issues I wonder....Is it all in vain? Will he tell me he's gay in a month? a year? 10 Years? Then where will I be emotionally????

#60190 - 02/13/06 09:51 AM Re: Searching for answers
endlessjourney Offline

Registered: 11/01/05
Posts: 518
Loc: Cincinnati Ohio
The word gay is over used and overrated. Gay is an extreme word that means someone loves men and only men. Your husband obviously has loved you. This issue is for him to resolve and he is the only one that can solve this problem. I would concur on the idea of being patient but before you decide to do so, I would look at the whole picture and make sure your doing whats right for you. You can't justify his actions because of his abuse but you can try to be understanding. All CSA go through sexual identity issues, and some take longer than others. Remember that his problems are not your fault, and whether or not he comes to you claiming homosexuality, you have no control over that. You can only control yourself. Take care of yourself.

Good luck

Truth is the very reason we strive to live. It surrounds and resides within us. Accepting the truths we already know and seeking out those we do not is a direct path to inner balance and joy. For life is not a means to an end, but a journey. Life comes and goes but the truth will always live on.

#60191 - 02/13/06 09:25 PM Re: Searching for answers
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

Many abused boys later have enormous difficulties with confusion over their sexuality when they begin to deal with their abuse. I of course can't speak for your case, but I certainly would not give up on your husband. From my own experience I can tell you that it is very traumatic when you begin to recover memories. You wonder are you crazy, are you gay, what? You just don't know who or what to trust, and trusting yourself just doesn't seem to be such a great idea.

Your husband has acted out his confusion and many men do that not because they are gay, but because they have an urge to regain control of the situation by replaying it in a way in which they think they are in charge of what happens. It's difficult to explain and even more diufficult to understand, but as a survivor yourself you may have experienced many of the same feelings.

I know this isn't what you want (and need!) to hear right now, but yes, try to put your best effort into therapy and see where it goes. All this mess didn't develop in a few weeks, and I'm afraid it doesn't go away that quickly either.

But at the same time, also take care of YOU. You have your own issues and needs, so please don't neglect them.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#60192 - 02/15/06 02:35 AM Re: Searching for answers

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178

My heart goes out to you. My partner also thought he must be gay he didn't understnad why the compulsion to have sex acts with men. It seems so simple but does and can this man say wholeheartedly that we wants to be with you?

Before you can committ to him can you have confidence in that and believe him? If not could you believe any man that said he wanted to spend his life with you?

It took me quite a long time (and a good T) to let go of the fear of his being gay and to believe in his desire to be with me.

Very peaceful I can tell you

All the very best


#60193 - 02/24/06 01:01 AM Re: Searching for answers
Rayne Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 01/25/06
Posts: 23
Wow 1234,

You don’t know how much I feel for you. I say that because not too long ago I found out almost the same thing about my husband of 2 years (right after our anniversary) that he had been posting on some website and “acting out” with different men during his lunch hour at work. It hit me like a Mack truck. I too kept asking myself the same question, “is he gay”? After it came out, he himself could not categorize himself as being homo or hetero. That made me mad. I mean, I just could not get it.

I am in the same category with you – I have not even come to terms with the betrayal because I am afraid that he will tell me that he is gay. I even told him that he should just leave me now, because I think we have all seen in the media what happens to men who repress their sexuality. Even though they have the house, the beautiful wife, the lovely family, they end up leaving anyway. I am still scared that one day he will open the door and say “honey, I’m leaving you for a man”. I know I have to be patient, but I just can’t help those thoughts.

I try to understand my husband’s point of view when he told me that even though the abuse was awful and horrific, there still was some type of sick pleasure that was derived from the act. So I guess who else can recreate that but another man. I don’t know, that was his simple explanation. He still loves me, he is still free with his hugs and kisses,etc. So outwardly, he seems to be a man much in love, but since I can’t get into his head, I don’t know what he is thinking or feeling inwardly.

I don’t know if I am good for too much advice, as I am so very new to all this and am trying to make sense of what this all means. But I suggest you take the advice of these great guys on this board. They helped me so much that I don’t think they will ever realize how much I appreciated their support when I thought the world was going to end. Also, know that there are others who are going through the same thing you are that are great for a listening “ear”. I am here for you.



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