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#60101 - 06/06/04 06:20 PM an introduction
Melanie Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/06/04
Posts: 1
Loc: England

The true meaning of life is to plant trees, under whose shade you do not expect to sit.
~Nelson Henderson

#60102 - 06/06/04 07:06 PM Re: an introduction
MikeNY Offline

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Hi Melanie. Welcome. I'm sort of involved with someone who went through CSA. One thing that I have noticed is that it is important for the person to have places to go for help other than just me. I have been reinforcing this for a while. It takes some of the additional pressures off. With your stuff just being over the internet, you can do that easier.

"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

#60103 - 06/06/04 08:59 PM Re: an introduction
James_dup1 Offline

Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
I think it's very cool you want to help this man. Just keep in mind that it's not your job to "fix" him. If he's not ready to face the issues from his past you are anyone else will be able to push him to do it. You said he doesnt have anyone but may help if you tell him about this web site. I know till I found it I felt as if I was the only person on earth who felt like this. And this place helped me see there is hope. Good luck.


I have more issues than Rolling Stone!

#60104 - 06/07/04 03:06 AM Re: an introduction
martin Offline

Registered: 06/08/03
Posts: 229
Loc: The Good Earth

Guess a good place to start is to say that I'm the man Mel is referring to. I've been here before but not for quite sometime. And I should also say that she deleted this post to protect me and my feelings although she didn't need to (and I didn't ask her too). She has as much right to be here as anyone.

I will also say just what an incredible person she is; intelligent, kind, thoughtful, caring, and a thousand other things. As well as being a true survivor in the finest sense of the word. More than a survivor in fact, a great success. It has been my great privelege to get to know her and call her a friend (and even more for a short time, altough I'm not sure that I ever deserved that).

She would surely be an asset here, if ever she wishes to post again.

Perhaps the rest of this should be posted in a different forum as its more about me but anyway....

....The story is that I've fallen back to more of my old patterns, perfectionism, self-loathing, and compulsive sexual behavior. A lot of it has to do with stress related to a....tongue in cheek....somewhat less than perfect work environment.

Basically its been a f**king nightmare. I took a new job as the first and only accountant for a rapidly growing construction company, that would be stressful enough but a few months into it I found that my boss (the owner) had taken a considerable amount of money of the books. There were other things like the involvement of his son in the company, him pressureing me to commit unethical acts(all of which I refused), being made to answer for all this having only been there a few months, confront my boss on a number of occasions, and being abandoned by the only other professional that I could relate this too (him being so completely neglitiant that its probably a good thing).

On top of that my boss would and just the nature of the business in general would pile up so much extra work I'd be completely buried. My work means a lot too me as does doing a good job, needless to say in the position I found myself in that was nearly impossible.

A lot of stressssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. Became quite depressed and slipped into my old pattern of blaming myself, hating myself, and seeking escape from it by using porn. Even went as far as to start talking to men in gay chat rooms to meet for anonymous sex, however I dever went through with any.

Mel and I had been talking all during this time and considered ourselves more than friends even know we lived so far apart. Knowing what I was doing on the side made me hate myself even more. I was betraying her. ACTING OUT feeling helpless, alone, and trapped; more self-hatred for the fact that I knew better or should know better. Weak for being unable to accept my weakness and ask for help.

I speak in the past tense as if its in the past but thats where I am now. I do need help.

Sorry this was so long but I'll stop now as I'm feeling worn out.



Mel I can never do justice in words what your kindness has meant me. I wish I'd been more deserving.

Its times like these we learn to live again,
Its times like these we give & give again,
Its times like these we learn to love again,
Its times like these time & time again.
-The Foo Fighters

#60105 - 06/07/04 04:06 AM Re: an introduction
MikeNY Offline

Registered: 03/07/04
Posts: 927
Loc: NY
Martin, you are welcome here anytime you decide that you want to talk about things.

"Every child asks the questions which hold the answers to the secrets of the universe, WHAT?, and WHY?". --Me

#60106 - 06/07/04 01:53 PM Re: an introduction
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

I saw an old post of yours when I was looking around this past week, and I wondered at not seeing you for so long.

I hope we hear more from you now. FWIW, I do better when I spend time here. Something about the crowd I hang with, I guess.



"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#60107 - 06/07/04 09:04 PM Re: an introduction
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA

Don't underestimate or feel weak because of your job related stress. So much of our lives are wrapped up in and defined by our work, especially when we do work we like and are proud of. When suddenly you have mixed feelings about defining yourself in a way that previously made you feel intelligent, contributing, honest, whatever... of course it's going to bother you. And GOOD FOR YOU for sticking by your principles and refusing to do what your boss was asking.

I am having ethical issues with my job right now too. I feel like I'm in a no-win situation, because I think of myself as a person with a good work ethic, integrity, and a fair sense of what I'm worth. So right now-- if I stay in my job, I'm not as honest and able to stand up for myself and my beliefs as I'd thought I was, but if I leave my job, I'm not a good worker, plus I'm letting my family down financially and inviting NEW stress, plus, even though I KNOW that it's a legal and organizational nightmare over there, I can't help feeling that maybe if I were somehow a better person, I could be making it work.

I'm not trying to hijack your thread, I'm just letting you know that I understand where you're coming from. I think that it's natural to freak out/need help with this kind of problem, especially if you already have problems with perfectionism and self-esteem.

take care

#60108 - 06/09/04 09:01 PM Re: an introduction
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Yah I started to notice there are two major areas of life where our past trauma triggers us:

1) intimate relationships
2) work

Both of them mirror and tug at the areas where we are most vulnerable. Intimate relationships are all about baring our soul, sharing our inner selves which is downright terrifying for many people especially those of us dealing with trauma.

Work is the other area where our insecurities come bubbling up to the top, where there is a competitive environment, it also can take on kind of a "parental" surrogate - this is where we have to deal with authority figures in our adult lives. For men especially this is the arena that men have been socialized to go out and "conquer", there's a lot of "fail and succeed" type of language, a lot of people really define themselves by their work and if its not going well then naturally it affects our whole life. I am totally guilty of this - my work was really driving me around the bend for the better part of the past year (really it was a few individuals who were out of control) and it really had a bad effect on my personal life with my partner. Work is such a defining influence on people, especially men (have you ever introduced yourself to someone and the next question they ask is "what do you do"???) its no wonder work is such a loaded place, especially for male survivors and its bound to create a lot of stress that, without awareness and an ability to deal with it, will spill over into our personal lives.

So dont be surprised pr angry or self-blamey that your work stress IS spiling over into your personal life - it happens to all of us!! I am VERY guilty of taking out my work stress out on my partner - my own traumatic background has created a major difficulty for me to actually identify what the "real problems" in my life are and where they are. Growing up in an abusive environment I have learned to mask, clothe, deny, and avoid problems in order to survive. Those skills, although useful at that time, are now hindering me in the progression of my adult life and have had a bad effect on my relationship. I guess now the responsibility is up to me to learn how to take care of THAT stress on my own and leave my partner out of it!



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