Guess a good place to start is to say that I'm the man Mel is referring to. I've been here before but not for quite sometime. And I should also say that she deleted this post to protect me and my feelings although she didn't need to (and I didn't ask her too). She has as much right to be here as anyone.
I will also say just what an incredible person she is; intelligent, kind, thoughtful, caring, and a thousand other things. As well as being a true survivor in the finest sense of the word. More than a survivor in fact, a great success. It has been my great privelege to get to know her and call her a friend (and even more for a short time, altough I'm not sure that I ever deserved that).
She would surely be an asset here, if ever she wishes to post again.
Perhaps the rest of this should be posted in a different forum as its more about me but anyway....
....The story is that I've fallen back to more of my old patterns, perfectionism, self-loathing, and compulsive sexual behavior. A lot of it has to do with stress related to a....tongue in cheek....somewhat less than perfect work environment.
Basically its been a f**king nightmare. I took a new job as the first and only accountant for a rapidly growing construction company, that would be stressful enough but a few months into it I found that my boss (the owner) had taken a considerable amount of money of the books. There were other things like the involvement of his son in the company, him pressureing me to commit unethical acts(all of which I refused), being made to answer for all this having only been there a few months, confront my boss on a number of occasions, and being abandoned by the only other professional that I could relate this too (him being so completely neglitiant that its probably a good thing).
On top of that my boss would and just the nature of the business in general would pile up so much extra work I'd be completely buried. My work means a lot too me as does doing a good job, needless to say in the position I found myself in that was nearly impossible.
A lot of stressssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss. Became quite depressed and slipped into my old pattern of blaming myself, hating myself, and seeking escape from it by using porn. Even went as far as to start talking to men in gay chat rooms to meet for anonymous sex, however I dever went through with any.
Mel and I had been talking all during this time and considered ourselves more than friends even know we lived so far apart. Knowing what I was doing on the side made me hate myself even more. I was betraying her. ACTING OUT
feeling helpless, alone, and trapped; more self-hatred for the fact that I knew better or should know better. Weak for being unable to accept my weakness and ask for help.
I speak in the past tense as if its in the past but thats where I am now. I do need help.
Sorry this was so long but I'll stop now as I'm feeling worn out.
Mel I can never do justice in words what your kindness has meant me. I wish I'd been more deserving.