I came here talking about trying to find my abuser but the moment of clarity that produced that quest was fleeting. It doesn't change anything but I'm not sure if I know everything that she has done, nor if she was the only one. I don't think I'm prepared to learn the truth from her. Recent problems of my brother's have suggested that he may have been abused too and possibly hurt more deeply.
I'm here reading things I wrote in the months after wondering what I was trying to say, trying to fill in the gaps. I've been having the sort of dreams of the kind to make me wonder whether I'm about to find out the much talked about recovered memory way. Its strange, I've always remembered enought to know it was bad, to make it illegal, so I never really worried about the parts I forgot. Its likely they're the worst parts though: The biggest gap is from the early time when I was too well groomed to realize anything was wrong, to my next memories as a terrified trashing kid afraid for her to come near me. What did she do in between? I'm scared to find out in the way I've heard about that sounds so horrible.