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#59987 - 02/03/06 12:38 AM Someone else needs help now(plz pitch in with advice and support) Long again
BlueBoys_Mama Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/01/06
Posts: 10
Loc: Winnipeg
Something happend last night and now I'm on a crusade. I need everyones help on this. I was getting my future husband (who I'll refure to as Andy) to read some post and stuff around the site Theres a story called "my story to the judiciary hearing committe" by UNION1012 in one of the forums. After Blue went to sleep Andy who by all di>

#59988 - 02/03/06 12:58 AM Re: Someone else needs help now(plz pitch in with advice and support) Long again
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I'll just make a few basic comments here. The first is that there is no such thing as a "scale" of abuse. A kid reacts to what happened to him, not to what happened to him as compared to others. His own pain and hurt are unique and important.

Another is that abuse isn't about sex, it's about one person's misuse of their power over another for the sake of their own gratification. This can lead to all sorts of problems in both the short and long term, and pretending that "it doesn't matter" is usually not a helpful way to view things.

It is also a VERY common fear among survivors that they will not be believed. We carry that over from childhood and still think we shouldn't get anyone into trouble.

What Andy does about his cousin isn't something I can comment on, but I would think that seeing a professional therapist would help him to face some of these issues. We often balk at this because we don't want to face the fact that we need help, but recovery from abuse just isn't a do-it-yourself project.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#59989 - 02/03/06 05:02 AM Re: Someone else needs help now(plz pitch in with advice and support) Long again
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
All of what Larry's saying is correct, but if I can chime in with something slightly different--

Many men struggle with identifying what happened to them as sexual abuse. Sometimes it can be hard to acknowledge that you were a victim when the label is at odds with your ideas of yourself. It doesn't mean that people who've been abused all need to label themselves or be labelled as victims-- but that label is frightening enough to many that they try to cover up or minimize the abuse.

Andy may need time, and space, to come to terms with this. I agree with you that all sexual abuse is a problem-- but the sexual abuse that happened to Andy, should be handled in the way that Andy feels is best for him at the moment.

It is good that he was able to talk to you about this, but it is the first step in a process that may take a long time. My boyfriend didn't seek therapy for many months after he disclosed to me, and he didn't disclose to anyone else until long after that.


#59990 - 02/03/06 07:32 AM Re: Someone else needs help now(plz pitch in with advice and support) Long again
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi BBM, on that web page I gave you there is a link to a page on male rape, that Andy needs to read. Even if he thinks it wasn't as bad a rape, it was SA and he will have most if not all of the symptoms of a rape victim. I know you are on a crusade, but you need to take it slow.
Step 1. Get Andy to continue to read posts on the site, but not from the survivor stories forum until he is ready.
Step 2. When he has come to realize that some of the guys here are just like him, Encourage him to sign up so he can talk to us.
Step 3. Encourage him to see a sexual abuse therapist.
Most of the guys on here are doing steps two and three at the same time. Right now, I am at step 2, not ready to go to step 3., each person can only go at his own speed.

Take care,

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#59991 - 02/06/06 03:35 PM Re: Someone else needs help now(plz pitch in with advice and support) Long again
BJH Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/05/06
Posts: 6
Loc: Washington
It does take time. YEARS. As a woman, rape isn't as stigmatized as it is for men- it was actually easy for me to get counselling and help. I supressed for 4 years... The school counsellors caught the behavior change when I started having nightmares (4.0 to drop-out in two weeks...). Nothing came of it- no tangible evidence, but the detective here was very good and careful about working with me and the counsellor.

It's not something to be done alone. Counselling is a must. And take it slow.
"Progress, not perfection"

Love what you do
- My Great Uncle Benny


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