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#59984 - 02/01/06 08:27 AM Boyfriend was abused ******TRIGGERS******
sillygirl49 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/01/06
Posts: 6
My boyfriend is much older than me (I'm 51) and I am the first person he has ever told that he was abused by a young woman about 19 yrs. old when he was 10 yrs. old for a period of about three years. I have known him practically all my life and started dating him after my divorce. He is the most wonderful and caring person I have ever known and it seems because of the abuse, he has an affinity for women unlike any man I have ever known. He seems to have handled his life well considering, but never married and although he has had many, many girlfriends over the years, it seems it was always someone he would "have" to give up for one reason or another. So I feel so special and want us to be close. It's almost three years and we've never had intercourse.

**********BEGIN TRIGGERS*************

He will do everything but that with me, so I feel satisfied. I really don't miss it because my ex-husband literally raped me any time he wanted sex, so to have this man respect me so much is thrilling. But I do want it to go further. He says he has nothing but good feelings towards the woman who did this to him. She wouldn't let him take his pants off or ever show his penis to her. One time she even dressed him as a little girl in a slip and makeup then told him his hair didn't look right cause it was too short.

**************END TRIGGERS*******************

He claims he went through a period of mourning when the relationship ended saying he cried for her all the time, but that she had never lied to him that the time would come when she would go away and he says he loved her.

What do you make of this and do you think we will ever go "all the way" or should I plan on being celibate if I want to stay with him?

[edited by moderator for trigger warnings and sexually suggestive graphic content-- SAR]

#59985 - 02/02/06 05:39 PM Re: Boyfriend was abused ******TRIGGERS******
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi not so silly, under the labels at the top of the page you can find links to articles, here is one of them. Male Sexual Abuse Victims of Female Perpetrators:

Also here is another web page on rape. Online Articles about Rape

Also Pandora\'s Aquarium A place where you can talk about what your exhusband did to you.

A book that you may find of interest is Male Sexuality by Bernie Zilbergeld, PH.D., it is a old book so look in the used book stores for it.

Take care,

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#59986 - 02/02/06 07:49 PM Re: Boyfriend was abused ******TRIGGERS******
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

As Lost Cowboy says, not so silly! It's great to see you and your boyfriend have a caring and loving relationship, but I imagine that only you and he can answer the question you pose at the end of your post.

It isn't unusual for an abused boy to feel sad or mourn when the abuse stops. He may have appreciated the attention for all sorts of reasons, or the abuser may have succeeded in isolating him from other sources of love and validation. Many boys cope with what is happening by convincing themselves that what is happening is okay, and the abuser of course encourages this.

My guess (and that's all it is) is that as a boy your boyfriend came to connect his sexuality with feelings of confusion, danger, loss and instablity. Perhaps he ends relationships because he feels that if they become sexual they are doomed - I really don't know.

I guess the real point here is how important a sexual dimension to your relationship is to you. It's a pretty big thing to just give up!

You might want to suggest that the two of you see someone about this, but tread carefully. This sounds like it is a huge issue for him, and myself, well, I doubt that he is handling the problem as well as he thinks. A lot of the guys here would tell you that they thought they were "handling it", only to have everything eventually fall apart in a really big way.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)


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