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#59972 - 02/02/06 01:45 AM I'm a mess- rantish - once again long
BlueBoys_Mama Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 02/01/06
Posts: 10
Loc: Winnipeg
ok so I know i'm new but I need to get these things out to people that wont just pat my hand and say " it will be ok dear" my family and friends love me but there to close to all this and dont really understand all they can do is react emotional or tell me that getting sick over everything wont help ( i know it won't but its hard to stop whats already started). So here are the things that have got me so worked up tomorow is the day the courts will tell me if my ex Husband is going to go for coustody of our son Blue or if he would just leave us alone. He tried to take coustody a while back but it dident work because i would have had to drop my restraining order for him to do so ( Blues on there to) ...I out right refused and he dropped it. this time around he might be able to get visitations if he tries so far so good that he hasent but tomorow is the cut off date for him to try something...otherwise he defaults and I get full coustody. I've talked to Lawyers, Coucelers, socials services The Police anyone that would listen about what he did to my son. They all said they were very sorry for my plight but many young mothers when seperating from there childs father will make aligation that there was molestion and that i have nothing but my word and the word of a 3 year old. So Because some people lie out of spite and juvinial behavior. My son might have to have court orderd visit with a man that molested him . Me and Blue have been healing and doing well for a long time now our lives had moved on and we now have a safe place to call home. Then this came up I new it was coming but i wanted to ignore it. for the past week all I've done is pace the house I can't sleep I can't keep food down and when ever i'm alone i break into tears. I'm trying to hold this togther for Blue but i just dont know what to tell him.

I was talking to some friends about all this recently and they all got into the topic that my Ex husband might have been molested him self by his mother ( she was investgated for it when he was very young) he denys it and nothing ever came of it but how do they see this as an excuse for whats going on . if he was molested that doesnt mean that he should get away with what he did to my son. one told me i should let him see blue and feel sorry for him. ITS NOT SAFE FOR BLUE!!! Blue is who i have to protect and be concernd for. If my Ex was molested thats a very sad thing but I couldent just send blue off to spend the weekend with a man who hurt him. A man who show no remorse for what he's done to eather of us.

the breaking point for me was when a now ex friend of mine suggested that Blue might become gay or a child molester himself. I couldent beleave someone would say something like that about a 3 year old boy. I'm doing everything in my power to make sure Blue gets everything he needs and the help he need so that he can heal as much as possable. I dont beleave that being molested makes you a child molester but I do see the conection between it in some rare cases.

I've gone on way to long already thank you for listening to me. It helps just to get it out

and just as a closing note I'll be the proud mother of the groom if theres a bride and a groom or if theres 2 grooms.I'll love my son no matter what but i'm going to do the best i can to make sure that its not what happend to him that makes that choice for him .

Much love

#59973 - 02/02/06 06:43 AM Re: I'm a mess- rantish - once again long
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Oh my goodness Mama,

I am sorry for the insensitive comments made by your friends.

The truth is that most people don't want to see/believe the ugliness of child abuse, so there is a lot of fear and misinformation out there. This board is full of men who have not become abusers despite what happened to them.

It may be that some of these people will need to fade out of your life (like the ex-friend you mention), but for your closer friends and family, do you think they would be willing to read some *factual* information about survivors and secondary survivors? You might not want to tell anyone about this website for now (let it be a safe place for you), but if it will help, I can post some links to other resources that might enlighten them.

It may not be an either/or situation-- maybe even if your ex gets some visitation rights you can ask that they be supervised?

Keep us posted.

#59974 - 02/02/06 11:34 AM Re: I'm a mess- rantish - once again long
lostcowboy Offline

Registered: 11/10/04
Posts: 798
Loc: Rhode Island
Hi Blue's Mom, I agree with SAR, I think the best thing you can do is give them some correct info.
Facts about Men and Rape

Also about you, you need a place where you can go to talk about what happened to you. I have been on Pandora\'s Aquarium for about six months and can say that you will get a lot of support there.

Take care,

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Just walk beside me and be my friend." - Albert Camus
Pretty much my life as I have posted so far. Triggers!

#59975 - 02/02/06 11:13 PM Re: I'm a mess- rantish - once again long
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I am so sorry to see you under such terrible pressure. On the issue of visitation rights for your ex, it seems to me that you ought to be able to make a convincing case for supervised visits only. Child welfare officials DO have ways of talking to even young children and discovering whether they were abused or not. They may not be able to draw conclusions secure enough for a conviction, but I think they can make recommendations concerning the security of the child.

On the ideas that an abused boy can become gay or an abuser himself, those are basically grossly distorted fears but very common in society and also among survivors themselves. On being gay, a boy's sexuality is a part of his personality and self and, to call a spade a spade, it's just silly for anyone to thing that "gayness" can be introduced into a boy by the brutality of abuse as a child. That is just a myth so far as I know. On abusers, yes, many perpetrators were abused as children, but the abused boys who go down that road are usually the ones who are left alone in their confusion and shame and never given the proper support and love they need to recover.

I wish you all the best in this difficult task you have, but it sure looks like Blue is going to have all the maternal care he will need to get past this.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#59976 - 02/03/06 06:52 AM Re: I'm a mess- rantish - once again long
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

First - you're fighting for what's right and protecting your son. That is the most important thing in this world that a parent can and should do. It is going to be a hard, terrifying fight against your ex. I wish I could tell you that your word is enough as to what Blue has told you to keep your ex away from him - it's not. Even when faced with indisputable proof, the courts somehow believe that maintaining parent rights and contact is always best. In the real world this is very far from the truth, but the antiquated thinking of the law that sitting Judges must abide by is a train wreck.

That being said, you can insist on supervised visitation. If for no other reason than that your ex has proved his violent nature by what he's done to you. Your son is entirely too young to defend himself against your ex if, because youíre not there to be his punching bag, Blue is the one who will be on the receiving end of his anger. If you don't have lawyer, get one. If you can't afford one, apply for legal aid. Whatever lawyer you get must be made to understand that you are not making false allegations to get back at your husband. He HAS ALREADY hurt Blue and you will not give him the opportunity to do it again. If the court wants to give him visitation, fine, let it be supervised until heís been evaluated by a competent psychiatrist. Supervision can take place at the court house, at your local church, with a trusted family member, etc. There are options. You also want someone appointed by the court to evaluate Blue. As Howard said in response to one of your previous posts, there are psychologists/counselors out there who are trained to deal with very young children and who will be able to understand exactly what a little one is telling them, even if all of the words arenít there. They will also want to evaluate you and your fiance. Welcome it.

Keep a diary - a very specific one. You can start it tonight, tracing both your history with your ex and everything youíve learned and how you learned it regarding how heís hurt Blue. Make sure that past history is noted as such, you are recreating things youíve learned. You donít want to present such a document as ongoing if it isnít. Once thatís done, keep your journal as things happen or words are said, by anyone, at anytime. The memory fails us constantly and we canít always remember day to day exactly what date or time or exact words or actions actually happened. Your memory cannot be challenged if youíve got the facts at your finger tips.

This is the hard part. For as emotional as you are, and believe me itís 100% understandable and justified, you cannot lose control before those that hold Blueís safety and well-being in their hands. If a Judge or your exís lawyer, or your lawyer for that matter, sees only a hysterical woman, they will write you off as little more than a nut or a woman scorned.

Be strong Mama. Youíve got a fight on your hands but that little boy of yours is worth all of it and you can prevail. Youíve already got the truth on your side, but you have to be smarter than they are and you have to convince everyone around you of that truth so you can all protect Blue.

ROCK ON........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.


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