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#59820 - 01/20/06 05:49 PM Need Guidance! Please!
jayssa Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/19/05
Posts: 6
My boyfriend has recently started seeing a coucilor that I lead him to that is suppossed to be an expert"so he says", in treating survivors of sexual abuse.
He has seen him a total of 3 times. Well, the other day I come home and find all of his things gone from the house and with no note or explaination. I went to his mothers house to find out what had happened and try to get some answers. I was cry and pleading for him to please just open the door and tell me what was going on, to no avail.
Finally, later after his mother had left (she wouldn't let me speak to him either), he did open the door and we held eachother and cried and told each other how much we loved eachother.
I asked why he wouldn't open the door and he said "my coucilor told me not to talk to you until I was over the guilt of leaving". He said that earlier when I was there pleading for him to just speak to me that he had called his councilor (while I was still out here), and the coucilor told him "No, do not speak to her".
I could see if I was abusive or a danger or somthing but the only real problem was that my boyfirend needed time to work through some issues. We are staying together just not living together while we both go through therapy. We rushed in to moving in so now we are going to take a step back and fix ourselves first then try living together.
MY question is" Is it normal for a councilor to tell a person what to do". He told his coucilor,"she deserves and answer" She deserves to know what is going on and I love her". He says" No"? I thought that counciling was about giving choices and guidance not CONTROL???????
Am I way off on this? He has spoken to this man a total of three times, so clearly he doesn't know him that well and he is telling him to leave with no notice and no word?
That sounds sick and controling....kind of like the abusers he has had to deal with . What do you think?

#59821 - 01/20/06 08:21 PM Re: Need Guidance! Please!
EGL Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 06/19/04
Posts: 7821
I agree. That counsellor sounds like a nut. In my opinion, a therapist should NEVER, NEVER, NEVER tell a client what to do. They should guide them to see things for themselves, but NEVER tell them "do this." Otherwise, the client simply is being controlled again, as you pointed out. I hope you boyfriend can see that and find another counsellor.


#59822 - 01/20/06 08:49 PM Re: Need Guidance! Please!
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

If everything your b/f is telling you is true, then the counselor needs a slap upside the head and your b/f needs someone else. No doubts there.

All I ask though is that you take a step back and speak to your b/f in a situation that isn't so emotionally charged. The reason I say this is from personal experience. When my b/f first started to see his counselor, we were separated. He told her about me and that what happened between us was at least part of the reason he was there. She didn't know me from a hole in the wall and her only concern was my b/f, rightfully so. She told him he wasn't ready for a relationship with anyone and that he should leave me alone. He didn't call me based on that advice. We have gotten back together and we are working on us. His counselor knows this, but since I haven't met her, I don't know her feelings on the subject. I hope she is supportive of his decision and I've seen nothing in him to indicate otherwise.

Also, on one occasion, my b/f told me that his counselor told him he would never get better. I didn't freak because of things I had learned here. I told him that I think he misinterpreted what she said. We talked and yes, he heard what he believes, not what she said.

My point is that your b/f may not be really hearing what his counselor is saying. He may be twisting things, unintentionally, to what he thinks he hears.

You two really need to talk and you really need some answers to some pointed questions regarding your relationship.

All that being said, I go back to my first paragraph. If the counsellor is controling rather than helping your b/f, he needs someone else.

Hang in there Jayssa; it's a bumpy road. You care for this man so deeply and that makes it both harder and easier to wind your way through, but you will get through.

ROCK ON........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#59823 - 01/20/06 10:10 PM Re: Need Guidance! Please!
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

To be blunt, what the T is saying sounds like complete bullshit and I wonder what is going on. Here's why.

The FIRST task of a T, so far as I know it (and I have seen four of them), is to gain the confidence of the survivor and make him feel comfortable in therapy. That can take a long time, and for a T to start issuing emotionally trying "instructions" (!!??) in the third session seems extraordinary to me. Further, the AIM of therapy is to get the survivor through his issues with as little further pain and trauma as possible, not to expose him to new harm and stress. Therapy should feel challenging but safe, otherwise the survivor, sensing danger allover again, will close down and hesitate to trust the judgment of the T.

Your bf is getting none of this consideration, to judge from what you are saying. Trish has a good idea: is it possible to check to see if he has understood the T correctly? But assuming the T has actually SAID these things, I think anyone who refers to him is just plain out of his mind. This really is outrageous.

I am no professional in this area and a good idea would be to PM Ken Singer on this site. He is a social worker and a T with many years of experience. He is working on a few things at the moment and might not see your post, but I bet he would happy to receive a PM from you. Another option is Scotty Todd here, who is also an experienced and respected therapist. Try him with a PM as well. My bet is they will both question the judgment of the T advising your bf.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#59824 - 01/20/06 10:31 PM Re: Need Guidance! Please!
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
I agree with Trish; keep in mind all that you are hearing about this therapist is what your boyfriend is telling you, which may not be 100% accurate-- and all he knows about you is what your boyfriend has said, which may not be 100% accurate-- and the therapist's first priority is your boyfriend, not the relationship.

If your boyfriend had no concerns about living with you or the relationship at all, and after three meetings with the therapist, decided to disappear, that's different from him expressing a desire for space (even if he didn't mean that he wanted to break up), the therapist encouraging him in that, and then your boyfriend choosing to move out. In the first case, the therapist is controlling and out of line-- in the second, he is doing what we all do and making decisions based on the info. he has.

Please take this as gently as possible-- but I am wondering how long you stood on that doorstep making a scene, after being asked to leave by a resident of the house. I'm not a therapist, but if a friend of mine called me and said that his partner was doing that, my advice might be to stay inside and talk the next day when things calmed down. And to be honest, if a separated husband or boyfriend did this to a female partner, he'd probably be arrested.

I know you care about this guy and want to do what it takes to get the relationship back on track. Do you have a therapist of your own?


#59825 - 01/20/06 11:24 PM Re: Need Guidance! Please!
jayssa Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/19/05
Posts: 6
Thank you for the advice, and in response to SAR, yes, actually, I am going to counciling now as well, along with my boyfriend. We have agreed that we both need to work on ourselves individually and as acouple. This is why we are going to live seperatley so that we do not take the attention we need for ourselves and give it the other.
It'sd time to fix our own isssues, and we all have htem, before setting ourselves up for failure and pain.
I have confirmed with my boyfriend that he in fact did instuct him not to speak to me until he "didn't have feelings og guilt about leaving". Not to even let me know what had happened And as I cried for him to come out he spoke to the Therapist on the phone and was "asking permission" from the therapist, to speak to me and he said no.

Needless to say, he will be looking else where. He needs his contol back not to give it to another person or worse yet have it taken from him.
Thank you again for your responses. I hope to see more to get a clear view of your thoughts.

#59826 - 01/21/06 09:52 AM Re: Need Guidance! Please!
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
i know it would be one hell of a lot eaiser for me if i had someone like you to help me .you were the most important key to his sucks trying to do this alone believe me . i think the t needs therapy ,but it does seem strange your bf would listen to something so crazy from the t. his t caused this problem he should fix it . i would pay him a visit shadow

its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

#59827 - 01/21/06 10:06 AM Re: Need Guidance! Please!
jayssa Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 11/19/05
Posts: 6
I spoke to two highly experienced councilors with my boyfriend today and they both were very concerned about the T. One said "that is very irresponsible of him to TELL his patient what to do", the other was rather angry and disgusted and said to cut all ties with this T and carfeully shop around for another one. Of course both recommended themselves so we'll see. Thank you for the help. Get you input helps me and my BF. SOmetimes we don't always trust our own opinions and it's good to hear from people that know more then we do.
Shadowkid- It does suck doing things alone but you're really not alone. You have this forum and most importantly you have you. And you are the key to your recovery. Believe inyourself, I don't know you but based on the fact that you are brave enough to seek help, I believe in you too.
If you ever need me to listen or help in anyway, feel free to let me know.


#59828 - 01/21/06 11:43 AM Re: Need Guidance! Please!
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA

I am glad to hear that you are getting support of your own. Whether or not you feel that your own issues demand it (and sure, we all have issues), being a partner of a survivor has a lot of emotional ups and downs that can be hard to share with family and friends. Since your boyfriend is telling you that he needs space, it is even more important that you have your own support, so that you can get what you need while still respecting the decision that the two of you made.

The best "fix" for my relationship was definitely the individual healing that happened to both my partner and myself. I think you two are making a wise decision to work on this from the ground up. There can be some anxiety about stepping back, I know-- my partner and I were in the same house and I was still anxious about giving him all the space he wanted sometimes \:\) -- but it was worth it in the long run.

Of course both recommended themselves so we'll see.
\:D \:D


#59829 - 01/23/06 06:03 AM Re: Need Guidance! Please!
Caetel Offline

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Dear Jayssa
As a survivor who has gone to therapy and as a therapist myself it is highly dysfunctional for a T to tell his patient what to do.
My therapist (a survivors expert) has always refused to tell me what to do even when I was lost and asking her for her opinion. It often made me angry but that was very healthy 'cos it made me look deeper into myself for answers.
On a more psychological level, I think this T has a problem with couter transference and I can notice a trace of hatred towards women. Has he got unresolved issues with women and relationships ?
I hope your boyfriend is going to run away fast and search for another T.
Warmest regards

Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !


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