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#59621 - 01/06/06 10:01 AM Re: Oh God what have I done
johnsurvived Offline

Registered: 11/20/05
Posts: 332
Loc: Arlington, Virginia

I'm glad you're back to the site, calmer, and starting to see a bigger picture with lots more details. I heartily endorse all of the foregoing posts, but want to make one brief, blunt point:
I called him a faggot
You NEVER have a right, even in anger, to use such hateful words. I know you've said you're remorseful and have apologized, and I believe you. But please think of this: If you have ever cringed when you heard a man call a woman, perhaps even yourself, a "bitch," a "'ho," or most horribly, by a vulgar euphemism for the vagina, you might have some sense of what any man, gay or straight and however well adjusted, feels when that word is hurled at him as a put-down. You attacked his very maleness, and called him unworthy simply for having engaged in acts that did not, nor ever could, make him any less male, manly, or masculine. Yes, I was very shocked by what you wrote. I thank you for your honesty in expressing how angry you were. By having spoken as you did, however, you demeaned yourself more than you meant to demean your partner. In addition to all of the above wisdom, I'd suggest that you spend some time reviewing your own notions about maleness and masculinity. You have made a good step in the right direction; keep working on it.


Take for us the foxes, the little foxes that spoil the vineyards; for our vines have tender grapes. Song of Solomon 2:15

But let justice roll down as waters, and righteousness as a mighty stream. Amos 5:24

#59622 - 01/06/06 10:16 AM Re: Oh God what have I done
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
fi \:\) I am glad your parents are there for you and that you and your partner were able to talk without the baby for a while.

I am not much older than you, my partner and I are also unmarried with kids. I know what it is like to be busy, angry, overwhelmed and to have to deal with some pretty shocking disclosures from a partner in the middle of everything.

You say:
its the fact someone else was fufilling a need in the man I love in a way I never could
This is a LIE. Abuse is NEVER about the needs of the victim. Abusers "groom" their victims by learning, or sensing, just enough of what the child needs so that they can turn around and tell the child-- "I know about you; this thing that I am giving you IS the thing you need--" and the child wants his needs filled so badly that he accepts that lie. The child's needs are never met-- the burden of the abuser's need, the guilt, shame, secrecy are piled on top of them until he's so confused that he can't separate the lies about himself from the truth.

You mention "other issues"-- adult survivors can bring a lot of troubling, destructive behaviors to a relationship. When my partner disclosed his sexual abuse to me, I had one foot out the door already-- and to be honest, I didn't choose to stay with him because of his abuse history. I stayed with him because once he began recognizing the impact of the abuse on his life, and getting help, his behavior and our whole relationship changed for the better. Two and a half years after his disclosure we are stronger than we've ever been.

Whatever has happened between the two of you-- not what's in his past but in your shared past-- will need to be addressed at some point, and if his actions have damaged the relationship he needs to be responsible for that and make changes-- but give it some time-- and give him some time to rebuild trust in himself, and in you. Keep coming here and talking it out when you feel impatient or upset.


#59623 - 01/06/06 10:42 AM Re: Oh God what have I done
shadowkid Offline
WARNING from ModTeam, September 2013: user "Shadowkid" was exposed as a hoaxer. His entire online persona and stories of sexual abuse were fiction. We encourage you not to become emotionally concerned by anything you see in any of his posts. Thank you

Registered: 11/18/05
Posts: 2437
would it be any eaiser to take if he had been 5 years old ? if he had been beaten ,threatened ,or forced to do things ?i don't think your reaction was in any way wrong ,but i can tell you that he has the exact same questions about it that you do .he feels the same disgust and revulsion that you feel ,he hates what happened to him even more than you do , he hates himself and has ever since it happened please understand i'm not trying to say you did anything wrong there is no wrong or right here but when we experience negetive reactions to our abuse it just proves that we are right about ourselves ,we are disgusting we are somehow soiled or dirty ,we don't deserve to be happy we don't deserve anything ,this is how he must be feeling now ,he is not angry with you he is angry with himself because he thinks the abuse was his fault ,he couldn't be more wrong ,in my case i fought and fought untill he offered me something i needed so bad ,safety ,i realized if i did what he said ,i didn't get beaten uncouncious ,or locked in the closet ,i got food and a chance to heal from the last beating ,i also discovered that if i was very good at what he wanted it would be over much quicker ,so i became very good at whatever he wanted .while my case is different ,i was held captive i had no chioce to go back or not the effects are the same we sold our souls for whatever we needed to survive ,in my case it was safety in your husbands case it may have just been for the attention from an older man ,maybe he didn';t get it from his dad ,to him it was just as important as surviving and staying alive was to me .i hope this might help you see what he is feeling a little better ,and please believe i'm not saying you did anything wrong ok?
you would be amazed what a young boy will do to be loved and made to feel special if he is not getting these things from a parent ,it's not the sex that made him feel good it is the feeling of mattering ,of being something to somebody ,the sex is just the currency of crazy people. maybe you should show him this site the people here can help both of you .i truly belive that sex had nothing to do with what he was getting form the abuse .it was what the abuser wanted but not that boy .also if every boy who gets abused becomes gay then there should be millions more gay guys out there,it's like saying every boy who gets abused becomes an abuser ,it just don't work that way . adam

its not hard to fall
when you float like a cannonball - damien rice

#59624 - 01/06/06 11:46 AM Re: Oh God what have I done
Grunty1967b Offline

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 861
Loc: Australia

Firstly welcome to all of us here at this site. Iím also a survivor of male childhood sexual abuse. Mine was in the family environment and therefore referred to as incest. That brings its own unique (but probably not worse) effects than anybody else. Iíve only come face to face with my abuse and my very much needed recovery these last 6 months. It was been a very emotional and turbulent time for me.

Fi, Iíd also like to tell you that I normally donít read many posts in this Family & Friends section. Iíve got so many issues myself to work through that I often donít feel I have anything more to give to the other people in the lives of abuse victims, however something drew me to your post.

I want you to know that I donít judge nor condemn you in your initial response and actions to your husband when he gave you more detailed information about his abuse. Everybody will respond in a different way and there is no text book style of perfect responses. As Larry (Roadrunner) said Ė our society doesnít prepare us for how to deal with these revelations. Heck, it mostly tries to pretend this type of thing doesnít even exist, or if it does then surely all ďvictimsĒ must have asked for it anyway. Wrong. Please, donít crush yourself over your initial response. As Iíve read your replies, already youíve seen your husbandsí return so all is not lost.

Iím 38 and my wife knows about my abuse but of course doesnít really understand fully what goes on inside my head. For that fact, I donít think I do half of the time either. I have started seeing a Therapist (never thought I would) and that has been SO very helpful to me and therefore my relationship with my wife.

I think I recall somewhere in your posts Fi that ďyouĒ also felt abused. Certainly this does affect you as it affects him, but in different ways. Just this week my therapist pointed out that as one person in a relationship enters therapy, the other partner does too, even if they never attend. Thatís because they are a part of the abused victims life and their recovery. You are both on this journey together and there will be pain as you already know. There will also be joy as you see your hubby getting better and your marriage will also get better and more fulfilling.

Fi, like anybody I guess who has not been abused themselves, itís so hard to understand whatís going on now, how it has affected the victim and even how it can happen in the first place. There are no doubt many questions you have. Some your husband may not be able to tell you, maybe not yet, maybe never, or maybe never in a way that you can fully understand. This is all good though Ė amazingly. You have the ability and resources to help get answers to many of those questions without having to get those from your husband.

There are many excellent books recommended in this site. Iíve bought 4 already and they have helped me incredibly and I know (when my wife reads them) they will help her understand me also. These will be great for you to read if you can. You will gain a very good understanding about childhood abuse. It can only help. The site has menu links at the top of each page. Click on ďBookstoreĒ and youíll find them there.

Many partners of survivors also see a therapist themselves. That sounds like good stuff to do but I would say make sure that itís someone who specialises in male child sexual abuse (and yes he was still a child at 16).

Fi, keep posting, reading, sharing and being a part of this community. I wish you both an awesome recovery journey.

#59625 - 01/06/06 04:33 PM Re: Oh God what have I done
learning2remember Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 403
Loc: Europe
Hey Fi,

You've hit on something with the honesty of your posts. I'm glad you've found this resource and hope you use it. I am a survivor, and I sought advice here before disclosing. Friends here can be a great sounding board when your trying to sort out thoughts about painful and complex issues.

In one post you seem to berate yourself for acting like you were a victim. Don't beat yourself up for those feelings. I think it is fair for you to feel victimized.

I understand that issues intertwine, and arguments can be intense, but I'd like to put in a plea for caution.

Yes, survivors bring a lot of issues into a relationship. But so do people with no history of abuse. Survivor issues have to be explored, but they might not necessarily be behind all difficulties.

As to your word choice. For me to read your intitial post about calling your husband "faggot" was very scary to me and hurt deeply.

As I read that first post, I found myself really thinking you need therapy together. I don't blame you for your feelings, but unless you can express them more constructively, you will both experience unnesecary pain. Healing can be painful enough, let's not hurt more than we need to.

I'm glad you've had a chance to apologize in person. It sounds like things are heading on teh right track.

I had a good therapist with whom I could talk about a lot of things and who was supportive. Even so, I had a hard time making eye contact with her. I realized I was ashamed of what she knew about me.

Shame might influence how your partner communicates with you now. That came to my mind when you talked about a look in his eye.

If he said "sex" in one disclosure and talked about masturbation in another, he did not necessarily change his story. As for changing the age, that can be confusing,too, but what does that matter. Do you feel like his story is less credible now, that he's hiding something? Do you really want to know everything? Think about it.

I'm rambling. Fi, I really think you're to be commended. We'll all make mistakes in relationships and on journeys to healing. Let's try to stick up for ourselves and each other at the same time.

Peace, L2R

"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

#59626 - 01/08/06 09:20 AM Re: Oh God what have I done
applefish Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/31/05
Posts: 7
Loc: Vancouver B.C. Canada
One thing that I didn't read in the discussion was that of male nurturing. I myself was a victim of sexual abuse at a very early age and one of the things that happens to survivors is they can become cut off from anykind of nurturing or ability to be vulnerable. I would think it hard enough in this aspect for any man living in this day and age let alone one who is sexually abused. I think in that moment your husband really needed you to love him and understand him. He opened to you his most vulnerable self and you rejected him. Please don't think I'm lashing out at you, I just think that it may help you to be aware of this possibility. It is incredibly hard in this day and age for a man to be that open and society in general frowns upon men showing anykind of weakness or vulnerability. I wonder if your anger around him was your thinking that he wasn't living up to your expectation of what a man SHOULD be? Maybe you could think about what your ideas are around men, and what role you think they fulfill in your life. Is it possible that he is not the knight in shining armour you thought he was? No man is but beleive me a man who can be vulnerable is really a stronger man.
Please don't get me wrong because I genuinely feel that you are trying your utmost to remedy this situation and I truly commend you on your effort. This is what people need to do in these situations. It is also okay that you have these feelings they should be aknowledged.
I hope my words have helped you in some way.

#59627 - 01/10/06 06:09 AM Re: Oh God what have I done

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178

6-7 Months ago I was pretty much where you are. It does get better. The very fact that you looked for and found this site says a lot about your committment to understanding and loving this man.

From experience its quite a journey you guys are on. Good luck,learn all you can and get support for you.


#59628 - 01/10/06 10:34 AM Re: Oh God what have I done
Dominic Offline

Registered: 02/27/05
Posts: 43
Loc: Dallas
Hi Fi,

You have definitely had some strong feelings about recent occurrences. It is good that you have found this board to help you. The guys here are very supportive and understanding. It sounds like you are progressing nicely.

When I hear of or see someone react with such strong emotions, I usually think to myself what is that really about? Usually in my experience with myself and other people I find that there is something beneath those strong feelings that is really the true issue. You hit on this briefly in one of your posts, when you said

" its the fact someone else was fufilling a need in the man I love in a way I never could. Warped I know."

You need some healing as wells as your partner. If you want to continue with processing your feelings this is one area that may help for you to review. The idea being what were you really feeling beneath all of that.

If I was in your situation, I would ask myself the following questions:

How would I feel if it was a woman instead of a man?
Do I have the same feelings regarding any of his other past sexual relations? If so, what does that mean?
What am I really feeling insecure about that provoked such a reaction?

My guess is that you were scared, did not know what this all meant about you, him etc, and confused. All normal feelings to have.

It sounds to me like you did the best you could in the moment and now you are doing it differently and things are working out better. As long as you continue to remain open and willing to be supportive things will be fine and you both will continue to grow, build a beautiful life together and heal together.

Take care of you, your baby and your partner.

Love and Light


#146040 - 03/19/07 05:53 AM Re: Oh God what have I done [Re: Dominic]
GWsurvives Offline

Registered: 01/10/07
Posts: 251
Loc: Atlanta, and here, among othe...
I was searching through old threads.. this one struck home..

"Some times there just aren't enough rocks" Forrest Gump

#146065 - 03/19/07 01:15 PM Re: Oh God what have I done [Re: Trish4850]
Jarrad Offline

Registered: 10/27/06
Posts: 1071
Loc: arizona
hey. i was abused from 14-17 and i always struggle with "its not abuse." "i was old enough to know and make choices" which i think thats what you think as well. he was old enough to know what he was doing. and yeah he did. and i did. but as wrong as it seems, i wanted it. this man showed me affection and attention that i wanted and made me feel special. it wasnt just about "sex." it was about all the other stuff that came with going to this man. but on the subject of sex. even if you aren't gay, you will respond to stimulation and will probably enjoy it because thats how our bodies are wired. our bodies dont know if we are being touched by a male or female. so i would cut him some slack on that part. you can't help being turned on by it.

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