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#59520 - 05/05/04 02:41 AM How do you leave without abandoning?
doctorfrau Offline

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
Hi all,

Been stewing again about my issues with "G". Those of you who've been around for a year or so may remember me from last year.

You may remember my making the stuffed animal for G as a peace offering, which was returned unopened; and last August my getting the unequivocal "GO AWAY, I wish I'd never told you".

Well, 8 months have passed, and not one day of that time has gone by without my thinking of him. He still shows up in my dreams. I still pray for him. Obviously I haven't been able to let go yet. Even though I was angry and incredibly hurt, my heart is still with him.

I know that the choice is his. I cannot force him to accept either friendship or love. I cannot teach him how to trust. I cannot DO anything, and it is incredibly frustrating.

I don't know how to express that I may be honoring his request to go away, but that I am not abandoning him. All he ever needs to do is reach out. I am still here, and I would forgive him in milliseconds - if only he could trust me.

Sorry, I guess I'm just venting. I can't tell "him", so I need to tell " somebody".

Thanks for listening.


"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."

#59521 - 05/05/04 02:45 AM Re: How do you leave without abandoning?
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1984
Loc: Flint, Michigan

That is all you can do.


P.S. If I recall correctly, that was a wonderful stuffed wolf.

Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

#59522 - 05/05/04 05:37 AM Re: How do you leave without abandoning?
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA

I don't know you from last year, but I'm going to give you advice from my favorite book.

abandon--1a: to give up to the control or influence of another person or agent b: to give up with the intent of never again claiming a right or interest in 2: to withdraw from often in the face of danger or encroachment 3: to withdraw protection, support, or help from....

Between your post and Merriam-Webster, it doesn't seem to me that you've abandoned him. So if the fear that you've done so is what keeps you from letting go, fear not.


#59523 - 05/05/04 06:43 AM Re: How do you leave without abandoning?
wrangler Offline

Registered: 09/06/03
Posts: 84
Loc: Northern Virginia
Kathy... I don't think I ever responded to your posts, but I do remember you. I was just getting here as your situation was unfolding last summer, so I was a little more of a lurker back then.

But I did follow the story with some interest because I envied "G" that he had such a concerned friend (ah that word again). Of all the words I might use to describe how you have treated him, I don't think I would pick abandon. How about love, worry about, reach out to, hurt by, confused regarding, wishing for better days, patient, sincere, open, willing...

But you must eventually accept that, for whatever reason (which we may never know), your help was not welcome, or at least not welcome right now. That is no fault of yours, and I personally don't believe you could do anything to change it... the help you offered him was exactly the sort of help I want for myself (on my healthy days).

One last note, and I suppose it is bitter sweet: though he has not done anything to show you appretiation or even that what you have done meant anything the least bit positive to him, it might be a mistake to conclude that your effort to help him failed.

Sometimes it is the smallest grain of love that becomes the seed from which recovery sprouts. And of all the words I would use, I think you gave him love... the purest of love.


"Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes you're behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with yourself." -Mary Schmich

#59524 - 05/05/04 02:56 PM Re: How do you leave without abandoning?
AB Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/15/03
Posts: 11
Loc: N. America
Hi there-
I wasn't around last year either when your story was unfolding, but i can relate in a very strong way to everything you have said. It sounds as if you have done everything possible to help in this situation. It has got to be his decision to do this (I know that is hard for those of us on the 'outside") and if he can't cope with you going through it with him then you just have to let go. I know how incredibly hard this is. My partner of 4 years gradually pushed me out of his life between last Sept. until I finally had to leave (due to infidelity) in March. We still speak by e-mail but I have not heard I love you, thank-you, or any kind of compliment for months. This was a man who told me he loved me everyday of our relationship up until then.It is a bloody hard road to hoe.
I feel for you, I really do-because I know the pain you are going through, have gone through, and will continue to suffer because of this. But please try and let go...pray for a time that he will get to a place where he remembers your friendship and love with a great deal of respect for what you did for him. That will only come after he does the work on himself.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.


#59525 - 05/05/04 10:24 PM Re: How do you leave without abandoning?
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
I agree with the other posters - I dont think you abandoned him at all. It is hard to get that feeling out of one's head though. I have been through similar experiences where I have had to do the same thing with friends and family members who could not have a healthy relaitonship with me due to substance abuse. My choice was to have a crappy relationship that pulled me down or to not have a relationship with them - and I chose the latter. I too have had to wrestle with feelings that I abandoned these people. But I had to come to terms with the fact that I could not singlehandedly hold a relationship togther ESPECIALLY if there were extenuating circumstances such as substance abuse or other distancing behaviour (like in your case). TWO people have to be actively engaged in order to make a relationship work. I held up my end of the bargain, and those people did not. So I should NOT feel any guilt or blame, maybe some sadness and grief over the loss, but definitely not guilt because I did EVERYTHING I could. And in my sane days I can sit with that knowledge and be OK with it, but on my less sane days, I still wrestle with the guilt and the feelings that I abandoned them... despite INTELLECTUALLY knowing I didnt do that, but in my heart.. sometimes the longest road to travel in life is that one between the head and the heart.

You didnt abandon him. But you did lose a friend. And even that requires some kind of a grief process... and is not fun.


#59526 - 05/06/04 04:34 AM Re: How do you leave without abandoning?
doctorfrau Offline

Registered: 04/11/03
Posts: 60
Loc: West Virginia (NOT western Vir...
"Grief process"
Yeah, I think that is a pretty accurate de>
"...your choice, is what to DO with the time that you are given."


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