Newest Members
Life-is77, chairdesklamp, Bill Ohio USA, jez, Long Way Home
13596 Registered Users
Today's Birthdays
bellator (60), dj (52), Edinson (50), honorableman (60), TNuss (46), toddpop (57), Troy1987 (49)
Who's Online
2 registered (BDD, 1 invisible), 26 Guests and 4 Spiders online.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Forum Stats
13,596 Registered Members
75 Forums
70,720 Topics
493,893 Posts

Most users ever online: 418 @ 07/02/12 11:29 AM
Topic Options
#59465 - 12/30/05 02:27 PM Sibling's Denial of Impact
JAAY Offline

Registered: 04/14/04
Posts: 115
Loc: NYC
Does anyone have any insight into the behavior of my siblings? The last few weeks have been stressful in terms of my siblings contributing money to help my mother pay her real estate taxes. I have six siblings and each of us agreed to contibute 1400.00 to pay off mom's debt.

I think that gesture is really nice but some have left me holding the bag. My oldest sister has called me to see who has contibuted to the cause. Additionally, a few of my siblings suggested that I made the choice to rent the childhood home but should have moved out long ago.

The way I see I am luckly that I did not become an addict or a hustler. I worked hard to make good choices and completed college and earned a few degrees. I know that revealing my abuse will subject me to more "put downs" but I am growing tired of their judgemental attitudes towards me.

They seem to think that we should all outgrow and just dump the effects of abuse. What really bugs is the fact that they have issues but do not address them.

At times I feel like I should just relocate to a new town. The only thing that is holding me back is my aging mother. She has a significant short term memory loss and requires support and understanding. My siblings ovelook this and the fact that she was sent oveseas as a child and emotionally, physically and sexually abused (raped) as an adult. I am sure that her childhood included some kind of abuse. She often starts to spill the beans and then shuts up.

Any suggestions? I know that I will never change the behavior of my siblings. I guess I should just tune them out and avoid any deep conversations with my siblings?


#59466 - 12/30/05 04:22 PM Re: Sibling's Denial of Impact
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

I think you nail it in your closing sentence. They don't want to deal with their abuse issues and don't see the importance of doing so. Fine. That is their choice and it does look like you would be beating on a brick wall if you make any further effort. I guess the bottom line is you can't help someone who refuses to be helped.

I would try to maintain civil contacts with them so long as that is possible, but your real focus ought to be your own recovery. Certainly I would not move away just to get away from them. These days modern communications puts us all "just around the corner" anyway.

I admire you for your loyalty to your aging mother. It shows a lot of character that you are willing to give her the care and support she needs when others don't do their part as well.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#59467 - 12/30/05 09:40 PM Re: Sibling's Denial of Impact
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

You're wonderful for caring for your mother. That's a hard task under the best of circumstances and you don't have the best of circumstances. You deserve a pat on the back and much more for that.

As for your siblings, I don't know what is the right thing for you to do. My b/f has 1 brother and 4 sisters, none of whom he has any association with whatsoever. His oldest sister was told of the abuse, many years later, and not only disbelieved it, she said he was a liar. I don't know about the other 4. I suspect, although I don't know for sure, that at least his younger brother was also abused.

His siblings continued to have a relationship with their parents, his abusers. The only thing he could do to survive was cut off all contact with all of them. He doesn't regret that decision, even though it was made when he was only 15. He's now 45. Contact with them would mean problems for him and he has enough to deal with.

I think the only thing you can do is what you yourself have said. Keep contact to a minimum and worry about you and your mother. Saying it and doing it are two different things, for sure, but keeping yourself emotionally safe from them is paramount.

ROCK ON..........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#59468 - 12/31/05 05:56 AM Re: Sibling's Denial of Impact
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
You're the good son and you'll never regret that.
Peace, Andrew

there is no courage without anxiety

#59469 - 12/31/05 09:34 PM Re: Sibling's Denial of Impact
promnwtn Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/30/05
Posts: 12
Loc: US -TN
When disclosing that an Uncle had "assaulted" me to my mother and sister, granted with the courage that intoxication provided at the moment, their reponse was "I did not know about it" from Mom and "I knew something was going on" from sister. Well, of coarse my mother would not have known. It was hiden from her by the perps threats and manipulation. Sisters response was as if she was saying there was some volitional action on my part. So, yes, it did seem that they denied the impact my implying lack of knowledge or so willfulness on my part in the abuse.

#59470 - 01/01/06 06:51 AM Re: Sibling's Denial of Impact
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
this hits close to my heart, my mother also suffer from dementia and we made the decision to place her in a care home a few days before christmas.
It wasn't easy, and she still has enough marbles left to know what's going on at times, but then minutes later she hasn't got a clue what's going on.
It's a horrible thing Jaay and my heart goes out to you.

As for you siblings? well, I've been lucky in that my only brother disrupted his christmas plans, and his wifes surgery, to come over from Canada through christmas to help us with my mother. I know 100% that without his efforts I would have struggled or even failed.
I learned a huge lesson in how families can pull together and achieve the best results. I sense that your family isn't exactly doing that, which must be soul destroying when you ARE making huge efforts.

I also know how hard it is to cut yourself off from your siblings because my wife has done this with her once much loved younger brother. He cheated her and and his other brother out of the family inheritance and told them both that he "hated" them, so in a way it was easier to say "f**k you" and distance themselves from him, but I also know that my wife lies awake some nights and cries over the loss of her younger brother.

How we deal with families is complex and difficult, and I don't have any answers for you.
All I can say is "think hard about what they do for you, and what they do for themselves" Then make your judgement.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#59471 - 01/04/06 10:55 AM Re: Sibling's Denial of Impact
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA

Just before you posted this, you said in another thread that you felt you were doing much better in terms of finding joy in everyday life, developing your skills and interests, not needing others to validate you, etc. All of which is GREAT.

I would guess that as long as you keep making decisions which are healthy for you and allow you to experience happiness and self-worth, and as long as your siblings continue to deny their own issues and abuse, it will be more about THEM reacting to YOU-- it is your self-determined actions that set the tone for interaction with them-- and what they do next probably says more about where they are than where you are.

You have a right to be proud of your hard work and the good choices you have made.



Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

I agree that my access and use of the MaleSurvivor discussion forums and chat room is subject to the terms of this Agreement. AND the sole discretion of MaleSurvivor.
I agree that my use of MaleSurvivor resources are AT-WILL, and that my posting privileges may be terminated at any time, and for any reason by MaleSurvivor.