I wanted to take an opportunity to come back and let you know while I can an update as short, but complete as I can make it.
First I have a New Grandson - Born Jan. 28, 2005 @ 1:46 AM weighing in as a lightweight boxer of a whopping 4 LBS 15 Oz, and is 18 inches long. I also have a new son in law, as of Oct '05. Both are Beautiful and my son in law is a most sensitive sweet young man, committed with great respect and love to my youngest daughter & his new son. And yes, he and I have had our own "small boxing matches" (spats, hell i gotta b fightin' with my atttitude with someone! LOL! :p ) & still have kept respect for each other and are LEARNING
to love each other evenly.
The pregnancy was very difficult with many health problems, & potential severe birth defects, yet he has been born with just a slight case of elevated "B" virus -- and just under a month premature, yet a healthy set of lungs etc that he will THRIVE just fine, my daughter is healthy even tho the pregnancy was very difficult & Baby "Rushed" into this world with only 15 min. of Labor and 3 pushes!!
So since "The Wizard of Oz" has been my most favortie movie from my childhood, I have found that Miracles DO HAPPEN, and not often does it take a Great Wizard, but most generously should include a Great Creator or Higher Power.
My last posting thread & the responses
was one that gave me much COURAGE to fight for MYSELF, and go forward with the magic of my very own Ruby Red Slippers. (yes guize I DO REALLY have a pair of those slippers sometimes its good to be small in size I can wear kid shoes!
I wish I could tell you that I have moved out from Hubby, but winter and illness & long low income housing waiting list has not allowed me to move out. However, my daughter and her husband moved into their own place. ***Easing one hell of a lot of stress!***
But only after Hubby was chastised gently by his "T" to allow them to grow by feeling their own growing pains. (this is the daugh that was part of the misdemeanor sexual assault event). She & her Hubby are struggling as all newly wed young couples do, but are surviving very well. He is a very solid young man, and evens her out, by not allowing her to mismanage her $ -- he can face her down so gently in a disagreement & yet still allows her to keep her dignity in the process.
Since I began only concentrating upon "Myself", the world under this roof has changed with some rather dramatic changes in Hubby - yet I forge on for only Myself as if he were just my "landlord". To the best of my ability and I don't want to seem as if I am bragging, but it has seemed to have (hmmmm how do I word this?) "Forced hubby's hand? to make changes in himself".
Good changes for himself and I am happy to see how much he is growing for himself in leaps and bounds. I had my very 1st "T" tell me in the beginning of my own healing process that once I began my own dealing with my SA I would heal "faster" than the abuse lasted. I am happy to say I think that is exactly what happened for my OWN soul, and am seeing that happen in hubby now.
With in a couple of weeks AFTER his grad. from college (yes he still managed that 3.98 GPA LOL the anal retentive successful turd
) He called MY individual T and requested "marriage counseling". My T advised him exactly what my T had told him, that as my individual T he would be unfairly "more" committed to my healing than as a couple due to our long standing patient T relationship. However, he did refer him to a marriage counselor, as Hubby insisted with his OWN decision he wants our marriage to continue to heal (tho' I never in anyway promised or told him I would do the marriage counseling, I knew in MY heart he would need to do HIS own work 1st & the T IF he was any good would force hubby to face his own demons), that is exactly what this T is working with hubby about and was directly upfront and told him that needed to happen 1st.
For MYSELF I kept myself involved in my local politics and joined the board of a 501 C 3 dealing with housing issues, & 1/2 million $'s to be dispersed in my n'hood as exterior rehab & what is called New Shelter Solutions. I was made "vice chair" in 2 swift motions and am deeply committed very JOYFULLY fulfilling what I personally love to be involved in. Though this 7 yr old Non Profit was very stagnant, greatly needed changes have happened and I am finding out about myself with some very surprising characteristics. Not all good, but none the less just as satisfying.
My physical health is progressing as expected, and will be hopefully soon recieving a new aortic valve, pacemaker and AICD (have had to fight with the damn docs to get BELIEVED about my electrical problems) but the BEST news is that I have been accepted into a GENE THERAPY study to grow new collateral arteries. I pray I DONT get the stupid placebo!
My Pain specialist has become more compassionate and has developed a better cocktail of meds that allow me to do more physically, making me a much happier person, tho' I still struggle with the Not over doing becuz I just LOVE LIVING LIFE! Even IF the emotional roller coaster can be a bit too much at times.
I have a very STRONG support group of friends, and my Sibs and I have become closer due to my mentally handicapped bro having an ER heart bypass. He survived, but struggles more than the average heart disease patient & I keep the Docs informed (my docs took him as a patient due to my our long relationship)of his childhood abuse/s issues so they treat him with much MORE respect and I really appreciate that of the Docs.
Hubby took upon himself to find a new T, and has been consistently going to therapy and this T has been "holding his feet to the fire" about his treatment of me in the past and how even now he must be MORE than just respectful, but to do some much needed healing --- event though it is VERY clear that our so called marriage is in no way expected to be anything more than a peaceful ending. I geuss in simpler terms, that our relationship will end up being nothing more than a sense of peace when it ends legally.
Hubby WITH his T has "contracted" to keep me in a state of which I can leave this world with out being forced to live at a lower level of which I had assisted him in becoming carreer successful. In other words, he will keep me financially comfortable, a nice safe place to live, health insurance and even if needed will be providing me rides FROM HIM to and from Dr. Appts. His T has told him that he owes me that just out of pure respect for how much I have given to support his life long desires and dreams.
Needless to say I think I really LOVE this T he is seeing because the guy really nails hubby when he screws up, yet is kind to him all the same.
Hubby has begun to stand up and fight for HIMSELF in his relationship with his daughters, which means they no longer can manipulate him into jumping at their every little cry for "help". My oldest daughter is much too much like me, and far too independant at times by not asking for help when she IS entitled to it and deserves it. So Hubby is now putting himself IN her life appropriately even if she gets stubborn about it.
I like seeing the changes in both daughters relationships with Hubby, as it brings a GREAT sense of peace to me knowing that if I should pass on before him, they will go on in life with healthy relationships.
Hubby has changed his work schedule so he has Mondays off Just to see his T religiously, and has NOT taken on ANY evening activities that involve work so that he can attend more sex addicts support mtgs.
Hubby's T has been making him do "homework" which basically is focused on Hubby asking me questions about ME and MY life etc. I am still simply "mirroring" responses, until his T asks for me to come in for joint sessions. I may or may not attend those? It will simply depend upon MY choice at the time, and IF I will receive some sense of closure or peace at the time.
I DO still ask of hubby to assist me with my health situations that are true challenges for me that I need help in. For example going to the pharmacy & doing ALL the grocery shopping as I cannot do these things, I CHOOSE to spend my physical energy to ONLY do things I ENJOY.
Hubby NOW asks 1st IF we can take some time to talk about issues or the "homework" his T assigns him. Hubby also is making a concentrated effort to make this house more handicap accessible AND even asks IF we can discuss $ matters. I.E. he asked IF he should continue a contract with a bill paying service or IF he & I should do this on our own. In the past before we split I had managed the budget begging for his input. When he chose to turn this stressful situation over to professionals, it relieved one hell of a lot of stress not just for him as he never had time to actually manage his budget, but it relieved the stress for me. I agreed to the discussion telling him I was not willing to add this stress to my life and he must choose for himself. He wisely chose to resign a contract again with them. He also finalized his Living Will and Will to assure his non biological daughters received his belongings and investments & $ etc. He told me after his experience with his sisters after his mothers death, he realized they were much like he had spent most of his life being a "mine mine mine" mindset and he wanted to assure that his biological family legally could not take from his daughters.
I watched and listened to him during this very emotionally challenging situation and LEARNED that he truly DOES Love his girls even more than their own bio dad does.
Since his Graduation from this latest college I have heard and seen behavior in him that he is recognizing his own value, and more importantly the price "I" paid of supporting his often selfish choices. He has been offered 2 new positions, has consulted with me and has contracted not only with his T , but with me that if it would mean effecting my much needed health care and my life style he would refuse the job.
What I am most surprised at is his genuine understanding and consideration of how much he is VALUED, not only family invested, but his FINANACIAL worth!!
The job harrassment has stopped due to his COURAGE he is developing in therapy, by going to his superiors and not just requesting but commanding & demanding a peaceful work enviroment. Even though he did "blow up" at a co worker one day who had been verbally giving him shit all day.... the response from the co worker "surprised him" when he received a genuine apology. Later Hubby apologized to the same co worker for "blowing up & cursing at him" he explained to the co worker "a little teasing and joking is fine, but when I am busy making snotty remarks and calling me childish names hurt my feelings and distracts me from my work". His co worker then apparently apologized yet again and he now is working yet again in peace.
I am most surprised even MORE that he took his T's advice and now he and I have a contract that he no longer can work over time or take on "side jobs" without 1st discussing it with me to assure that I am "physically well enough" to handle being alone or have no other needs.
He also has begun to take his T's advice and begun to "try" to share in my hobbies and interest, which include long conversations with him asking me questions to educate himself about WHAT I do, including asking questions to explain in length some very intricate policies, procedures & legal ramifications etc. This came about AFTER his T questioned him why I can understand his many talents & mechanical detail, yet the T held his feet to the fire telling him he needed to do this in return to help me feel "valuable" in my own right.
His T explained to him just as Ken described that often his behavior & words "bully" me. While we had some rather big "fights", his T also explained to him that "fighting fairly" did not mean either one of us valued the other less, but it CAN be healthy at times to argue. This in turn helped ME to feel much less like I was always having to not only defend myself, but much less like I was always carrying the "heavy load alone" , and that I was NOT his mother. That in essence not only does he have a partner, but I also have a partner.
To wrap this up, I suppose it is simpler to say we are becoming at least "friends" on some level. I was happy to hear him say that his T asked him "How do you think Sammy feels
when you told her you have no desire to ever have sexual contact with her again?" This prompted hubby to go see his physician and is now going thru his own series of testing for years of bouts of tachycardia and a serious conditon of bradycardia (Lord almighty I begged years ago for him to seek care for this) -- he also schedules his own appointments, asks me to go WITH him IF I feel well enough to go, AND he is scheduling an appointment to have blood work done to test his Testosterone (sp) level, he has often considered that PART of his low sex drive is due to a low testosterone level.
I have learned that I myself have MORE physical energy to do the things I enjoy, am able to balance my volunteering much better (as he is better at saying the word NO to others), AND I am not feeling as if I am living ON a razors edge constantly from fearing his inactions or actions.
I also have learned that I AM a good listener, that I have been his "soft place to land" more often than not. I have learned that he has been so frightend of me dying it has either had him over working, or stagnated. I learned that he was so frightened of showing how SCARED he was during so many countless health crisis, even tho he remained calm appearing on the outside, he has nightmares of those events -- when all too often he told me his nightmares were more about his abuse events.
I have learned that even though he is now receiving a job offer that could possibly DOUBLE his yearly income, he would stay here in this local area just because he knows I am frightened to death to lose my "TEAM" of Docs. This feeling of complete fear of losing my "TEAM" surprised even ME when I actually burst into tears at the prospect of losing them to a move due to a job change. I learned HOW MUCH I have come to depend upon my Docs to take such good care of me, and my support group of friends who also are here for me.
Just his honesty in keeping to his promise to seek therapy consistently after his graduation, and his potential promise to stay here locally IF a job would entail a physical move has helped so MUCH in gaining a little bit of trust in him -- has helped me to sleep better and not have as many serious physical ailments.
So, I have learned that I have been so emotionally dependant and physically dependant upon him it has played a tremendous role in my physical health. I also have learned that I have deeply wanted him to protect me and defend me not just from others, but from my own bad behaviors that are self injuring.
I have learned that I am much more of a "traditional thinking woman" than what I have often portrayed, and I am learning to like that part of me. I have learned that not recognizing that part of myself, I have denied myself of my very OWN feelings far too often.
I have learned that I have felt very inferior in my intelligence compared to him and have harbored a lot of unwarranted jealousy of what I complained so much about, his physical & mental ability to be an over achiever and his being held high upon a pedestal compared to his peer group.
I have learned that I held my own self back out of inner fears that someone may perceive me as weak and useless. And yet just last week I learned that my own peers care so much about me staying alive that they would come and take away what was causing me severe stress as I too expect perfection of everything I do. An expectation of either being perfectly good or perfectly bad.
I have learned most importantly that my daughters, one who moved so far away didn't move away because she thinks "we" are a bunch of "hicks", but because she is emotionally afraid of being directly here to see me go through physical pain. I learned that the daughter that stayed here with me , stayed not because she was expecting a "free ride", but because she RESPECTS me as a WOMAN , and individual strong in my own rights and wrongs.
I learned that no matter how much therapy I still am afraid to RISK to completely be human and VULNERABLE and to LOVE unconditionally.
I learned more importantly about my own self, that my FEARS drive me to do so much, both good and bad.
I also learned that I carry SHAME about still having LOVE for Hubby who has hurt me so deeply, and I don't want anyone to know how much I do Love and Depend upon him. A man who admittedly committed an act that hurt not just our family, but another young female.
Sorry this has been so long, I hope that I can still come here and become a better human being, and kinder to myself, other people and to Hubby.
May Peace fill us All,