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#59355 - 04/24/04 06:27 PM Reflections
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
was cleaning out my Hotmail account box, because I saved every PM forwarded from here and it was taking up memory space (conceited, aren't I? ). And it got me to thinking about how much of my healing has come from here and how much of my support has come from men and women I've never met, save online.

So you'll forgive me for taking up some time and maybe heaping too much praise on you all as I think about this and thank everyone here, and some people specifically, for all they've done for me. And if I don't mention you by name, please forgive me. I know there are many more here, but there are a few that have meant the world to me and continue to do so. This is also going on Friends and Family, so please excuse that, too.

You know, it's funny. James (one of thsoe who I really need to thank) told me, during one of the recent times I was feeling low, to reread my old posts here and see how far I've come. Well, James, I don't feel I've come as far as you SAY I have, but I've come farther then I thought was possible. Certainly, when the worse of the memories were coming back, I didn't believe I could make it. I thought I was crazy and alone and all that garbage that my abuser and my rapist fed me. The truth is that I'm NOT crazy, just a little unwell (Matchbox 20, good group!), and while there will be bad days ahead, there will be more good days, too, if I have the courage to hang around long enough.

Oh, sure, there are times when I thought I'd have to leave. there were difficulties with the fakes (Thanks again to the liars out there! ), and other folks who were just plain mean or irritating, but truly more good people than bad people come here, and we're all here for one reason, to HEAL. To GET BETTER. To OFFER SUPPORT and LOVE one another. And that's what keeps me coming back.

So, for those of you who've kept this old boy going, thank you. Thank you for the support, love, and downright courage to keep going. Thank you for your wisdom and humor, and just plain listening when that's all I needed. Thank you for the validation I've gotten when I doubted myself. It'll certainly happen again, but I know that if I'm patient, I'll get through it. And I know it because of you.

There are those who mentored me when I first got here, namely Dan in NE and James, but the moderators, Bob, and Mike, and David, and Ken, kept reminding me that all of this was okay and I would survive. I did. Your support was well received and bloody well NECESSARY at times. Thank you.

There are friends I've made here who are constant sources of inspiration. Leosha, MikeNY, Sean (Survive75), Theo, MarkGreyBlue, too damn many. As much as you've said on occasion you've learned from me, well, I learned from you, too.

The inimitable Brian Z, well, he's an irritant. \:D But an irritant can make a pearl, if you let it, and he's meant a lot to me over the months, my challenging, irritating friend.

There are those who've drifted in and out that I've regretted losing touch with. Namely Danny2, Tribear, Jeff (WhyMe), Confused18, Unknownsoldier. I've learned much from you guys, too, and I miss that. I think I'll have to look you up to say, "hi" and "how are you doing?" Stuff I've should've done all along.

Off all the posts I read (and still kept), the ones from JayM hurt the most, because I saw much good in him and his death hurts still. I'm glad I've saved them, though, and they've gone into the hardcopy file I'm making. Jay, I know you're still out there and probably still reading this, so thank you, my dear brother. I pray things are truly better for you on the other side.

The sisters and other supporters. Well, my people, I've leaned on you a lot and LEARNED a lot from you guys, too. Everything I've said about the brothers goes for you. Especially Lynn (Pollyanna), Caro, (Caetel), Sammy (Wifey1, love your erudition! \:D Seriously!), PAS, SAR, J (Kolisha), Tabor, so many others. And to those who occasionally drop by (Marc's Friend, Orodo'ssister (sorry if I got the name wrong ), well, I haven't forgotten about you either and will either look you up or ask you to drop me a line.

So many blessings here, despite the sadness for being here. And the insanity of those who forget what this site is about.

And those who are new brothers and have become very dear to me, namely So-Cal Marc, SNAP Latino, LEarning2remember, others whose names aren't rolling off my mind at present , you keep giving me hope when there is none. You mean a great deal to me, too, and I can't wait to hear what you have to say.

So, to end a very long appreciation. Thank you. And keep reminding me of why we're here when I fall. I'll do the same for you because that's what we're all about after all, right?

Peace and love,


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#59357 - 04/24/04 07:37 PM Re: Reflections
kolisha54 Offline

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
Awwwww! Youze guys made this tough Brooklynite cry!!!

Thanks to YOU!!!!

It is always so hard for our own partners to convey this kind of gratefulness to us - we are just too much "in their face" for that even if they aren't even talking to us at a given moment. Our love can seem invasive: we know that, but we still love them anyway.

That's one of the reasons why it's so moving to get these messages from you.

But perhaps even more importantly, - WE have met some of the bravest, most articulate, funniest, humblest, most affectionate, spiritual men - right here on MS.

And as "someone" keeps pointing out: there are no strings! :p

Finally, I have an odd thing I'd like to say to y'all.... have lately been involved with the Off Topic threads here at MS: the level of conversation there is amazing! It's amazing not only because of the incredible knowledge that's been ammassed by so many of "us," but also because so many of "us" clearly have such passions and deep loves in our lives - DESPITE the crap that has happened to us!!! And that only makes our accomplishments here at the other threads even more remarkable: because we are willing to make our super-competent selves vulnerable enough to make some room in our busy lives for our own healing & for the comforting of our brothers & sisters!

Yeah - we are all pret-ty amazing folks!!!

Love to you all!


If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

#59358 - 04/25/04 01:49 AM Re: Reflections
Caetel Offline

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
Thank you Scot !
Much love and hugs. I am with you brother ! We are healing together \:\) I have complete faith in your recovery.
You've done so much already !!!!!!!!!!

Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

#59359 - 04/27/04 04:59 AM Re: Reflections
gryffindor Offline

Registered: 02/08/03
Posts: 131
Loc: St. Charles, Illinois
Dear Scot and SoCalMark,

Thank you for your beautiful and kind posts. You are very special people. I truly believe your wounds will completely heal with good therapy and the warmth and support of your friends. I don't mean that it will be as though it never happened, because it happened. What I mean is that it will recede back into the past where it belongs, and no longer intrude into your present life. It will become what it is -- history neither remembered nor forgotten, like ancient newspaper clippings left in a file cabinet.

I have always thought that the people here are the most intelligent and interesting people I've ever met. In that sense I count myself lucky; although I wish that none of us ever had a reason for being here.

Blessings to you both,

"Where there's a will, there's a way." American Folk Saying

"Had I not fallen, I could not have arisen; had I not sat in darkness, I would not have recognized the light." Midrash Tehillim Ch. 22

#59360 - 04/27/04 06:41 PM Re: Reflections
Wifey1 Offline

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Dear Scot & Guize,
Thank you for your Support! -- It is so wonderful that we have a place that we can come and share & learn so freely from each other.
Without having the ability to come here to learn, share, etc- ultimately I am pretty sure hubby & I would not have made the strides that we have made in our relationship.
Each of you being so kind in sharing your growth, struggles, wins & losses equals a betterment for not only this community but for individual selves and relationships.
It takes tons of guts to share what has been held back for so long.
Tho hubby isnt in a place directly self confident that he can come here to this site by himself we come together -- HUBBY and I benefit from each of you having the courage to share.
Our relationship benefits because everyone somehow has this magically way of touching upon yet another topic that we can explore together.
May our Days be Peaceful, Sammy

#59361 - 04/27/04 07:57 PM Re: Reflections
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
This is a great thread.. thanks for being so thankful. I'm in need of some mega support on the whole issue at the moment .. when stuff like my current crisis (see thread "what the phuck") happens this is the FIRST place I head to write and wait.. and wait.. with baited breath, for some words of wisdom to calm my frazzled nerves and my boiling blood....

I too feel grateful for this site and the regulars on here. I dont know how I'd have been able to pull apart the threads of pain and anguish that this whole issue has brought to my own relationship, how I could have managed to figure out "my stuff" and "his stuff" in the whole mess of being part of a double survivor relationship.

So, a big fat thanks for being my reality checks, for allowing me to vent, for allowing me to talk about the things that I was not always proud of, to allow me to talk about the things that horrified me about my partner's past. I have found few places where I have felt comfortable discussing details about his and my past, the thought of actually telling them to someone in real life just made me want to vomit. More thanks for sticking with me through the past few years and not telling me to just "get over it" as I tried to get some more sanity in my life, and most of all thanks for your brutal honesty about the things that you have experienced and done in response to your abuse experiences.. they are no doubt incredibly painful to tell but the honesty that you have presented has made me feel that maybe me, my partner and our relationship are not so odd and "abnormal" and freaky after all... that we're all just "acting out" and really are good, decent, NORMAL people inside, we're just reacting to some highly abnormal experiences.

Looking forward to some wisdom and comfort re: my current crisis...




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