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#59306 - 12/23/05 11:26 PM New Member with a Question
Rachel Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/23/05
Posts: 2
Hi Everyone,

I'm totally new to this and I'm so glad I've found this place. I've been in a relationship with a survivor for almost 8 months now. Although he is willing to tell me about the abuse he endured, he is not willing to see it as such and believes that it was either his fault, his choice, or not a big deal. But it's obvious that the incidents have had a huge impact on his life and relationships. He has problems with internalizing his emotions. He's very distant and, as some might say, "gamey." The abuse he suffered has caused a great deal of problems for him, but he seems unwilling to deal with these problems or the root cause. I love this man more than I have ever loved anyone before. There has to be a way I can help. If anyone has any suggestions, I am completely open to them.


#59307 - 12/24/05 12:22 AM Re: New Member with a Question
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hi Rachel,

That's a tough place to be, I should know, I'm there right now and it's been part of the subject of a couple of very recent threads.

I'm actually on my way out the door, so I can't properly respond to you directly, but take a look at I'm losing this one and the Tough Love threads. Hopefully they will give you a little insight.

Other's will respond to you, I'm sure. No one who reaches out is left alone.

We'll talk soon.

ROCK ON..........Trish

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#59308 - 12/24/05 12:34 AM Re: New Member with a Question
Kirk Wayne Offline

Registered: 05/31/05
Posts: 499
Loc: Shrewsbury UK
Hello Rachel

"Although he is willing to tell me about the abuse he endured, he is not willing to see it as such and believes that it was either his fault, his choice, or not a big deal".

I can only speak for myself but that is exactly how I viewed my abuse, mind you that was aided by large amounts of booze and pills, we are brainwashed into thinking that it was our fault by our abusers, they are incredebly manipulating thats how they used to hold power over us for so long.

Internalizing ..... know about that one too. I pushed all my anger (and a whole load of other stuff) down inside of me and turn it in on myself and occasionally, unfortuanetly others, whereupon I would explode and the consequencies damaging to others and evemntually myself.

There is a way to help him Rachel just be there for him, it took me a hell of a long time to start trusting again but it came, keep close to these boards there is a lot of wisdom here especially from other partners.

I wish you all you wish for yourself and your survivor.


#59309 - 12/24/05 12:45 AM Re: New Member with a Question
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA

When a new guy shows up here our first priority is to tell him that he isn't alone. He isn't a lunatic or a loser because he doesn't understand how his issues as an abuse survivor are affecting him.

But we also recognize that partners of survivors are also deeply affected by abuse issues. This is an issue for you as well. I hope you will see the sincerity of our concern, express yourself openly and let us know how survivor issues affect you as well.

Much love,

Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

#59310 - 12/24/05 02:12 AM Re: New Member with a Question
Rachel Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/23/05
Posts: 2
Thank you everyone for responding with so much love and concern. I can't begin to tell you how much it means to me.

My boyfriend used drugs and alcohol to, as he put it, "numb" himself. He doesn't use either now. But now that he doesn't have these things to cover the pain, it seems that it is slowly rising to the surface. I just want to make sure I can do everything within my power to make this easier for him.

His abusers were female relatives. I believe this is the major reason he does not see it as abuse. I know he also loves these family members very much and thinking of them as his abusers would be very painful. The most painful part of this experience is the helplessness I feel. The inability to protect him from what already happened and the idea of living near the people that hurt him is very difficult.

Again, I just want to say thank you. Hearing from others that are in the same position gives me a lot of strength.


#59311 - 12/24/05 04:12 AM Re: New Member with a Question
Born to Resist Offline

Registered: 09/30/05
Posts: 269
Loc: Southern California, USA
Hi Rachel,

Your boyfriend probably isn't ready to directly deal with everything just yet right now. However, he may be willing to indrectly deal with it ... are there issues between the two of you that need to be dealt with? Consider couples counseling. Obviously tact will be needed to bring up the topic. If he agrees at least he will begin to deal with the symptons of the abuse.

Others on the board have made the following recomendation. Buy a copy of "Victims No Longer" by Mike Lew (buy it through this website so Malesurvivor receives a percentage of the purchase) for your own understanding and casually leave it lying around for him to pick whenever or if ever he soo chooses. You could even just mention how you found this website and discussion board useful ... or the emotions you felt.



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