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#58599 - 03/25/04 02:54 AM don't know how to help
umf Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/24/04
Posts: 2
Loc: NW England
A friend has told me that he has been raped.
I don't know where to start or how to help him.
He hasnt told anyone else including his family.
I believe he needs help, professional counselling.
Where do I start ?? How do I help ??

#58600 - 03/25/04 03:28 AM Re: don't know how to help
James_dup1 Offline

Registered: 04/13/02
Posts: 1332
Loc: Wyoming
You already have just by being here. Just let him know you belive him and that you will be there for him when he needs you. He may want to try to call a local rape crisis line and they can help him find someone.

I have more issues than Rolling Stone!

#58601 - 03/25/04 05:27 AM Re: don't know how to help
theo Offline

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
i concur. the greatest thing you can do for your friend is show that you believe him. rape is a vicious thing and the stigma it leaves on any victim is life long, though we do eventually overcome the worst of it if we are lucky. for men, this is especially difficult in its own way and it is more difficult to be accepted as a victim if we are male. there is just so much attached to this. the most difficult thing is to accept that it happened and that it was not one's fault. you can facilitate that by supporting him. don't rush it, just be there for him. take care.

journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

#58602 - 03/25/04 05:50 AM Re: don't know how to help
gryffindor Offline

Registered: 02/08/03
Posts: 131
Loc: St. Charles, Illinois

You came to the right place. Lloydy, one of the Moderators here lives in England. If you sent him a private message (PM) asking for help in finding a rape crisis center in your area or a rape hot line, he may be able to point you in the right direction.

Tell your friend about Male Survivor (MS). He will find lots of compassionate support here from fellow SA survivors and their friends and families.


"Where there's a will, there's a way." American Folk Saying

"Had I not fallen, I could not have arisen; had I not sat in darkness, I would not have recognized the light." Midrash Tehillim Ch. 22

#58603 - 03/25/04 09:45 AM Re: don't know how to help
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
hi umf

don't know if anyone else has had this experience but...

when I first started looking for info. on how to help my boyfriend, all I found by way of "partner" resources was a bunch of "do and don't's" that were primarily "don't's"... DON'T pressure, DON'T show your emotions, DON'T ask questions, DON'T try to fix things... it can leave you feeling that your hands are tied... I sort of thought that all of that was BS, because I was feeling exactly what you said. I wanted to know where DO I start, what DO I do, what DOES help. I think that in general this type of information for partners and friends is lacking. I think that both male and female supporters of SA survivors get cut out of the loop and made to feel helpless and unimportant. I wonder how many rape clinics deal with the husbands/ wives/ best friends of victims in any meaningful way. but I'll get off my soapbox and answer your question.

my boyfriend needed to know that I did not blame him, did not think he deserved any blame, I did not think he was disgusting or abnormal or forever altered by his experience. Mostly what he wanted was to be the same guy he'd always been--he wanted to know that we could do what we'd always done without a lot of pathologizing or nervous energy. But when he couldn't be that guy he needed me to understand and be okay with it.


#58604 - 03/26/04 01:36 PM Re: don't know how to help
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
You have already helped. You have already obviously been a person this friend feels he can trust. That is a HUGE thing.

The most important thing is to not push him to do anything he is not prepared for. As much as you think he needs to talk with a professional, or tell his family, or anything else, it will do more harm then good to push it. He will come to conclusions on his own, and will do things on his own. The most important thing you can do and be is the person you are right now, someone he trusts to talk with.

Please take care of yourself as well, as this will be very stressful, dealing with all this. And thank you for being a good friend to a fellow survivor.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#58605 - 03/27/04 12:45 AM Re: don't know how to help
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
A friend has told me that he has been raped.
That must be about the greatest level of trust a man can show towards a friend. The level of shame and guilt surrounding male rape is enormous, it's the sort of thing that flies against all the male - macho thinking. In our minds we can deal with 'anything' and fight off any agressor. The truth is somewhat different.

The most imprortant thing for you now must surely be "don't blow that trust"
He told you because he trusts you, and because he thinks you can help. Maybe he doesn't know what the 'help' is at the moment ? but when he does he's indicated that he wants you there with him.

If you drag him along kicking and scraming into therapy, then there's a big chance you could alienate him. Most of us start healing when we're ready, and no sooner.

"Be there" for him, suggest things by all means, but don't tell him what to do, just point out what's possible and available. What we thrive on is SUPPORT for what WE do.
You've shown already that you're willing to give that support just by coming here to find out what's going on in the world of a Survivor, and keep coming - we're pleased to help where we can.

What you're embarking on isn't going to be easy,but don't let that stop you. The rewards of recovery are worth every scrap of effort.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#58606 - 03/27/04 10:46 AM Re: don't know how to help
umf Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/24/04
Posts: 2
Loc: NW England
Thank You all for your kind words. I have no doubts that it will be a long and hard road to "recovery". I put the word in quotes because I am sure it is something that will never fully leave. I have managed to get my friend to speak to a counsellor and his doctor but I have been careful to make sure that its his decision. I feel a little better in myself now that there is more help available to him. I just felt completely out of my depth when told and needed somewhere to get help/advice myself.
Even now after your words I still wish to remain anonymous myself so I really don't fully understand what he must be going through.
It was really useful to be able to come to the website.
Thanks Again.


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

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