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#58412 - 03/19/04 02:54 AM Getting stuff out of my system
momdequatro Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/18/04
Posts: 3
Loc: Maine, USA
Hello Friends and Family
I am the mother of not one, but two victims of sexual assault. One a girl and the other a boy. They were both victimized by their male cousins who live right next door to us. We found out about this a little over a year ago. The abuse happened when our daughter was 12 (now 17) and our son was 9 (now 14). It has been a horrific experience to say the least. Because the perpetrators were also minors (12 and 13 at the time), their punishments weren't all that we had hoped or expected. These boys also victimized several other little boys. It has been just too awful to believe. Anyway, I'm hoping that other folks on this message board may have some words of wisdom for me and our kids' father, in order to help them. Our daugher started counseling in August, and I hope to have our son with a counselor soon (new insurance). We also have a website that we are hoping to get out to people who may be financially able to help us. If you would, you could pass the URL along.
Thank you for any support or encouragement you can give. Our lives have been changed so drastically. We want so much to give our kids a more normal life, away from the people who hurt them. We also have two other children, an older boy and a younger girl. For some reason, the two middle children were the ones who were abused. Looking forward to hearing from anyone who wants to write me.


#58413 - 03/19/04 02:04 PM Re: Getting stuff out of my system
AB Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/15/03
Posts: 11
Loc: N. America
Just wanted to say that you are doing the right thing by getting your children into counselling right away and by believing them and supporting them. I am the second wife of a 35 year old man who was sexually abused. The pain and suffering he has gone through and will continue to go through in his life because of what happened is incredible. His parents ignored the situation and due to their ignorance he is incredibly dysfunctional. The fact that you and your husband are facing this situation head on is a testament to your commitment, compassion and parenting skills.Just listen to them, believe them and continue to support them through their counselling. There is no doubt a long road ahead-be patient and flexible in your approach. I have done an incredible amount of reading to educate myself as well-if you know where some of their emotions are coming from then sometimes it is easier to deal with! I wish my husband had had parents like you-maybe then we would still be together and he wouldn't be facing his second divorce.Be strong!


#58414 - 03/19/04 09:38 PM Re: Getting stuff out of my system
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA

I am sorry for everything that has happened to your children and your family. I'm glad that you want to give them a life away from their pain.

I wonder what you mean when you say that the punishment for the other boys wasn't all you'd hoped for. As angry and hateful as you may be towards these boys (and rightfully so), I hope you take some time to read some of the threads about anger at perps--your children may not share all of your feelings and that's okay-- also children have a hard time with the strong emotions of their parents whether or not the feelings are justified.

Of course your children want to feel that you are on their side and that you will protect them but if you are angry or out for vengeance that's just going to scare them. It's been very helpful for me to read more about this topic--I've changed my way of thinking about some of the people in my boyfriend's life--some of them I hate less now and some of them I hate more, but I don't ask him to carry that hate for me.

It must have been hard for all of you to speak out against family members and neighbors. By intervening when you did, not only did you save your own children from years of denial and pain but you probably kept other children from being hurt by these same boys.


#58415 - 03/19/04 11:43 PM Re: Getting stuff out of my system
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
I think that you have one great advantage over many of the people who come to MS - TIME.

There are so many of us here who hang onto our secrets for far too long, I was 46 before I told anyone. That was 31 years too long.

With love and care, and the right therapy if they feel it's needed, your kids should bounce back.
I work for a charity here in the UK that deals with, and provides therapy for Survivors. And the way young adults sort themselves out is just amazing. I've seen them come for their first therapy session in bits - absolutely shattered. Then a few months or even weeks later they say "have I got to come next week, all my mates are going clubbing ?"
young people have a resiliance we can only remember in our dreams.

It's not going to be easy, but be thankful you're dealing with it now and not thirty years down the line when serious problems occur.

There's some great support and advice to be gained here, I just hope it helps.

Take care

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#58416 - 03/21/04 12:12 AM Re: Getting stuff out of my system
momdequatro Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/18/04
Posts: 3
Loc: Maine, USA
I want to thank everyone who has replied to my message, for their words of wisdom, advice and encouragement. I feel so blessed to be able to share my thoughts and feelings here, where I don't feel I'm being judged. This site is a Godsend, that's all I can say. I intend to take all of the replies and use their words as I can to apply them to our situation. Thank you again, and God bless you all.



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