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#58401 - 03/18/04 09:36 PM New here...need advice...(tirgger maybe)
JadeNSC Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/18/04
Posts: 1
Loc: Maine
I'm not sure how much detail I can go into so I'll just give a short and brief statement.

I'm 23, my fiancÚ is 22 and we are the proud parents of a beautiful six week old boy. For reasons I don't wish to go into at this moment, my fiancÚ opened up to me this morning about his past. He admitted to me that his older brother abused him sexually when he was 7 (his brother was 12). The abuse went on for about a year he said.

I'm still digesting what was revealed to me and my fiancÚ is starting to "connect the dots" so to speak about his past and his sexuality. So many things that didn't make sense before are making sense to me now. This explains a lot.

However, my fiancÚ is accepting what happened to him as a "normal part of growing up." While he's starting to see how what happned to him has had an effect on him, he doesn't feel anger towards his brother and doesn't wish to confront him about it.

He had already agreed to see a therapist before revealing this to me (both of us suffer from depression) but now I'm not sure what I can expect. I don't know if he'll talk about this with a therapist and while I want him to, I don't want to push him too hard. I don't think he realizes how much of an affect this has had on him (even though he says he's starting to realize a few things). I don't want him to just pass it off and I'm so angry with his brother (fighting the urge to go and yell at him now).

I know we'll be talking about this when he comes home from work this evening.

Just sort of wondering where to go from here.


#58402 - 03/18/04 11:34 PM Re: New here...need advice...(tirgger maybe)
theo Offline

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
welcome to the community. you have come to the right place. in response to your general question: each survivor is different. i lived all my life with a kind of knowledge that my childhood was not so good, but i did not recall the sa till two years ago. i was an angry man growing up and going through my early adulthood, but i never understood why. i hardly ever raged at others, it was all kept within. when i finally felt safe enough the memories started coming back. for those that did not suppress the memories of the abuse there will still be the suppression of the emotion of it. this is not across the board, but it is fairly common. memories, as bits removed from the emotional context, can be easily managed consciously, but when the emotions finally kick in that is when the chaos starts to roll within the soul. there are many things that can be supressed or repressed (thoughts, memories, emotions, etc) and each on own can be perceived as manageable, but put them together and you have the start of a very new experience. let him go at his own pace. his sub-conscious knows when it is time to release what needs to be released. just be there for him, and yourself and your precious son. if you have any other questions, feel free to contact me via pm. take care, jade. by the way, maine is a beautiful state. i fell in love with its coastline several years ago.

journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

#58403 - 03/19/04 12:07 AM Re: New here...need advice...(tirgger maybe)
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Here's a quick list before I go to bed

1. Love him
2. support him
3. love him
4. don't judge him
5. love him
6. believe him
7. love him
8. listen to him
9. love him
10. see odd numbers.

Dave ;\)

PS. Ask ANYTHING you want here, there's some wonderful support and help. And feel free to read the other forums as well, there's so much good stuff outn there. Take care, and maybe both of you will come along next time ?

Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#58404 - 03/19/04 04:37 AM Re: New here...need advice...(tirgger maybe)
Wifey1 Offline

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
welcome to a wonderful site for support and knowledge. Your hubby will probably need some time to defrag from sharing this information with you. Just as much as you will need some time to digest it all and process it also.
For me there was a sense of urgency to find out as much information as I possibly could to prepare not only myself but to help my hubby also.
I can only repeat the mantra that is here on this site and holds true. Your hubby must heal in his own time and in his own way, ... I would encourage you to seek professional help, for him , for yourself and perhaps also as a couple to gain coping tools.
It may not ever be a big deal for him -- he may have developed a sense of "acceptance" for his experience a long time ago. Each person is different -- but I would just reaffirm counseling with a professional for support ---
Ask any questions you need there is many folks here who contain a wealth of information and support.
Peace, Sammy

#58405 - 03/19/04 03:37 PM Re: New here...need advice...(tirgger maybe)
darp123 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/25/03
Posts: 15
Loc: Maryland
My H was also Sezually abused by his brother at about the same age for 7 yrs. He did not tell anyone including me till he was 45 yrs old. He has been going to therapy now for about one yr and it does seem to be helping. It is great that he trusts you enough to tell you this, I'm sure it was very difficult for him. The most important thing for you to do is to love him and believe him. It is great that he is willing to go to therapy, my h did not realize how much this SA has affected his life and his relationship with me and everyone else until he was in therapy. PM me anytime if you have any questions. Congratutlations on your beautiful baby. They are such a gift.


#58406 - 03/19/04 06:09 PM Re: New here...need advice...(tirgger maybe)
breakinfree Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/05/04
Posts: 28
Loc: MA
Welcome to our site. As much as I wish you didn't need to be here I am very glad you found it. This place has been so helpful. My story is very much the same as your H. Same SA, same same same. And I never knew the impact it had until I trusted someone and now I am blown away. It is true that he needs to go at his pace, and his innerself will determine it. You should feel blessed and so special that he trusted you enough to tell you. It is a huge step for him, he got the ball rolling and he has at least started down the road we are all on. Just listen and love him. That is the very best you can do...We are here whenever you want..take care of yourself, and him too \:\)

"I have a simple philosophy. Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches."

Alice Lee Longworth

#58407 - 03/19/04 10:24 PM Re: New here...need advice...(tirgger maybe)
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Welcome Jade--

Sammy is right, your husband probably just feels overwhelmed right now about telling you. He will probably need some time to process how he feels--a mixture of relief and extreme anxiety about what you might think of him now. He might worry that you think he's disgusting or abnormal, or not capable of being a father to your new son.

Some of his "passing it off" is probably coming from a fear that you won't think of him the same way anymore, or that your relationship will be changed forever now. My boyfriend was like this--at first he had an attitude of "good, now I've told you, it's over with, let's just move on from here and forget the whole thing--" and that didn't change until he had some time to see that our life together wasn't shattered by my knowledge of his abuse. It's important for you not to dwell on his issues right now or treat him like he's sick.

There will be time for him to answer your questions and hear your concerns. He's probably not ready for the kind of talk you'd like to have. That's why you need some support of your own. Reading and posting here was helpful for me because it helped me to get my questions and concerns out there and away from my boyfriend.

Jade I know how hard it is to be depressed and caring for a new baby. If you have always suffered from depression it may get worse during this time. After the birth of my second child I felt isolated and stagnant. I also felt guilty and worried because I loved my children and couldn't imagine that they were the cause of my depression. I spent almost all of my time alone or with the kids and I know it was hard for my boyfriend to see me that way (and hard for him to come in the door from work and have me talking his ear off because I'd spent all day with children too young to talk!). The first year with a child is emotionally and physically challenging enough even without SA issues coming up. Please take good care of yourself and your family. You can PM me if you need to talk about anything.



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