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#58382 - 10/24/05 05:35 AM Rage against the abuser
Bluebird Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/12/05
Posts: 15
Okay, I think I am just having a moment of anger here and need to vent. But here goes...

I am a very happy go lucky, optimistic person. I am kind-hearted and compassionate. But sometimes the feeling of rage towards my husband's abuser overtakes me.

We know who my husband's abuser is. We know where he is. We know he is still a practicing priest and in what church. It is less than an hour from where we live.

We have hired a lawyer and are in the process of filing suit. According to this diocese's bylaws, the priest should be removed pending investigation. He has not been removed yet, and it has been over a month.

I am so angry sometimes that I want to go confront him myself. I think about punching his lights out and screaming at him. Screaming how could he try to destroy my husband's life? See how he thinks it feels to be overpowered and hurt. I also think about standing up in the middle of his mass and accusing him in front of the entire congregation. My husband's mother has that fantasy too. I think I might actually consider doing that if I didn't think it would hurt our court case.

I know this is not the way to go about resolving things. I think I am just worked up because I just watched a movie called "Enough" with Jennifer Lopez about a battered wife who fights back against her abuser. I try to turn the other cheek and be at peace and fight this fight the right way, the just way, but sometimes I think about knocking that old man to the ground. I guess we are fortunate in that we know who the abuser is and we can drag him through the courts and shame him in the public eye. Most of all, my husband and I want to make it so he can never harm any other children again.

Anyone else out there dealing with thoughts of rage? Anyone actually confront your abuser or your partner's abuser?

Thanks for letting me vent.

Love and peace (no irony intended)

#58383 - 10/24/05 05:49 AM Re: Rage against the abuser
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
Hi Bluebird

Rage? Yeah, I am sure you are not alone in this one.

It is hard NOT to be angry when you feel so powerless and frustrated. Personally I have found that's the key to my rage-- I find it easier to deal with the angry feelings when I have some power and when things are going well for me and my partner.

You must be feeling pretty overwhelmed and worried tonight. \:\( Hang in there, maybe you will find that the rage will subside as your husband gains some ground in his recovery. In the meantime, is there something physical you can do to get out some of the anger?

Keep venting, I think you will get more responses during the week.


#58384 - 10/24/05 06:13 AM Re: Rage against the abuser
Bluebird Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/12/05
Posts: 15

So young and yet so wise. You sound like such a great person. I really appreciate that you took the time to respond to me so quickly. Thank you.

I should stay focused on all the positive aspects of my husband's recovery. I always suggest he focus on the the positive--I must remind myself to do the same.

Thank you for being there once again. Take care.


#58385 - 10/24/05 02:16 PM Re: Rage against the abuser

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178

I don't think I've got the wisdom of Sar so I'll not offer any advise but I'll tell you how ugly it feels for me.

I actually have feelings of wanting to put the abuser in a position where he feels as much fear and humiliation as my partner did when he was nine. Then I feel sick at myself because the man has learning difficulties so it would probably be relatively easy?? Weirdly, that makes it feel unfair!!!! I kinda wish he was a big strong man because then the confrontation would be an equal one. This because I know how much bl**dy anger I have towards him. That sort of strength of 10 men anger.
I don't feel like this all the time, it just sort of creeps up every now and then.

We are so much up and down and in and out of what feels to me like a crisis thats its hard to pin down what provokes this feeling in me. We do have good days and maybe I get a feeling of power from those but it takes a couple of days to catch up with me by which time there might be a trough again??

I'm so pleased for you that you are able to take this to court. What a positive and human way to redress what happened. Knowing that you are doing it in this way reminds me that we live in a civilized world where CSA isn't tolerated by the good people, who make up the main in my view. Its good to feel at one with society.

All the very best in the longrun and in the meantime, hang on in there and remember how many people are thinking of you and your loved one.


#58386 - 10/25/05 01:24 AM Re: Rage against the abuser
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey
Hello ladies,

I've seen many of the men post about hitting the heavy bag, well I've got news for you, it works for us too. Make sure you wear gloves though 'cause the darn thing hurts and when you hit it hard enough it comes back at you. The nice thing though is that once you get into a rythum that bag can go flying!

I don't have the option of confronting my b/f's abuser because it was his mother and she's dead. She died about 2 years ago and I'm the one who told him because I read it in the paper. My b/f was not himself for weeks. Of course I knew it was because of her death, but I didn't know the half of it. My b/f was legally emancipated from his parents when he was only 15 because of the abuse, although I don't know if DYFS knew about the s/a, just the other stuff, which was bad enough.

I didn't know that the mother was the worst of the abusers and that she had sexually assaulted him from the time he was 4 until after she died. Here death was the event that caused my b/f to tell me about it. I had a great Mom, I like to think I'm a good Mom and I've known nothing but good Moms so the idea that a mother could do something so horrid and vile to her own child made my head explode.

Even though she's gone, I want to go to the house, yes, I know exactly where they live, and scream at the old man and put him in his grave right next to his evil wife. My b/f hasn't told me directly, but he's said some things that lead me to believe that the father was part of the abuse as well. I hate them.

There are 5 siblings, an older sister, 1 younger brother and 3 younger sisters. The girls were treated better than the boys but I don't know if any of them were victimized by the parents. I do know that they maintained a relationship with the parents and ostrasized my b/f so he has no relationship with them either. Regardless of that, he feels guilty for leaving them. He got out and they didn't. He did the right and only thing he could do to survive and he's made more of himself than anyone, including himself, could have hoped, yet he feels guilty.

I fantasize about connecting with even one of them and telling them how truly horrible the parents were to my b/f. How they hurt the little boy and damaged the grown man. I want them to see - to know. And then, when they know, I want them to hurt for what happened to him and I want them to feel guilty for turning away from him and believing the lies their parents told. Then I want to just walk away and leave them broken and shattered.

None of this will happen of course. I'd never connect with his family unless he wanted to, which he doesn't. And even if he did, I could never hope for the end of my fantasy to come true because this isn't a Disney movie and the people who are bad don't turn into good guys.

I have hate in my heart and I hate that! They, who I never met, have done this. They have harmed my b/f in more ways than I can imagine. My big, strong, smart, sensitive, funny, wonderful man is hurt and I want to hurt the people responsible.

My b/f and I are on a rocky road. We are awkward with each other sometimes and that makes me sad. But in our quietest moments, we speak softly to each other and tell each other that we'll keep talking and we'll keep loving and we'll work through it all - together. He's been my rock for 4 years, now it's my turn. When I feel like I need to turn to mush, I'll talk to the people here, I'll talk to my sister and I'll cry quietly. Then, I will put a smile on my face and I will give my b/f a big hug and a kiss and we'll talk quietly again until we make it right.

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#58387 - 10/25/05 11:52 AM Re: Rage against the abuser

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178

Thats such a lovely post its made me cry. in a good way. You sound so gorgeous together.

The bag sounds a good idea. I got carried away beating a dusty rug against the side of the house and bashed my bare knuckle into the stonework. ouch!

I think theres a class near me called boxersize. I might give it a go.



#58388 - 10/26/05 02:00 AM Re: Rage against the abuser
Grunty1967b Offline

Registered: 07/28/05
Posts: 861
Loc: Australia
Bluebird, I'm an abuse victim myself, so I make no apologies nor do I condone what any perpetrator does.

How I (and my wife) deal, partly at least with my still living abuser (family member thankyou very much) is that we see he was and still is a very sick and disturbed person to do these things and not own up to what he has done and try to make ammends (as impossible as that probably is anyway).

It certainly helps us release the perp a little from taking up too much of our energies and anger.

#58389 - 10/26/05 04:31 AM Re: Rage against the abuser
gnidgnod Offline

Registered: 10/01/05
Posts: 14
Loc: Rhode Island
A survivor of CSA has to deal with an incredible amount of anger and pain. But along with that will come increasing clarity and joy at being alive, as his recovery progresses.

If you are the partner of the person in recovery, remember that it is primarily your partner's task to deal with it along with his support/recovery team, and not yours.

It is not heartless or cold, to avoid taking on the full weight of anger that the other is feeling; it is a way to make sure that at least one of you can think straight most of the time.

There is a difference between being supportive and being sucked in. You will be stronger as a team if at least one of you has their feet on more or less solid ground.

Do I sound like 'Dear Abby'? I am a survivor of CSA and was married to a woman who also is a survivor. For nine years, we did our best to watch over each other as the abuse issues came to the fore in first one, then the other...but the marriage failed.

#58390 - 10/26/05 12:24 PM Re: Rage against the abuser

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178

I'm so sorry that that happened to you. I'm also so sorry that your marriage didn't work out.

Your words are a salutory reminder to me of the importance of this site, talking to others who understand and even bashing a boxing bag if it helps because whether I like it or not the feelings are there, real and sometimes overwhealming.

I thank my lucky stars that I've "met" good people here who care enough to respond when I've needed to talk because it calms me, focuses me, teaches me and ultimatly aids me to be there for my partner rather than needing him to be there for me.

Theres so many lessons to be learnt and I think you are right to say that one person cannot take the full weight of the feelings that abound in a situation like this.

Peace and joy to you



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