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#58364 - 03/17/04 11:55 PM New to this -
lovingwife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/17/04
Posts: 4
Loc: Boring
Just found this site - seems like others may be going through what we are in my family. After 16 years of marriage - not always perfect - found out my husband was abused as a child. I've done a lot of reasearch the past couple weeks on the situation and he has every classic symptom - if thats what they are called. I need some help - how do I approach him on counceling (sp) - I want to be there for him but he has to want to do it for himself. Any suggestions? I've printed out a ton of web pages and highlighted the conditions. There are many things that he is afraid of - I just want him to know I'm here to listen, not judge. Anyone?

#58365 - 03/18/04 03:56 AM Re: New to this -
Bill_1965 Offline
Chat Mod Emeritus

Registered: 06/29/03
Posts: 1986
Loc: Flint, Michigan

Talk to him openingly and honestly. Let him know what you think is going on, and let him speak his peice. Whatever you do, this is not the time to interupt. This is the time to sit at the ready to listen and take in each and every word he says and breath he takes, to give a hug if indicated by him or hand him a tissue or seventy.

You can invite him to visit the boards, to read some to the treads. If he is half as moved as I was when I came here, he'll be posting in no time. But the reading is the important part. To give him the sense that he is not alone, that these feelings that he has been struggling with throughout his life are not his alone. To see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and he has a good conductor there to hold his hand when needed.

Onward to the therapist question. This is always something the person has to want for it to do anygood whatsoever, plus it needs to be a therapist that he trusts. Therapy is not just needed for him, but for you too. His working through these issues will place a lot of stress upon you. What will you do with these stresses? Can't very well toss them back to him when you are trying to help him through this, definately can't let them build up inside you until you burst. That's why I also recommend therapy for you, to work out the issues it has with you, and then you can always come here to post and vent. (One word of warning, we survivors aren't into being malebashed) Feel free to vent but please don't bash us survivors.

Take care,

Pain is Temporary; Quitting lasts Forever. - Lance Armstrong

#58366 - 03/18/04 07:33 AM Re: New to this -
Wifey1 Offline

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Indeed your name fits you well --- it will take tremendous amounts of love to be with your survivor along his healing journey. Whether he chooses therapy or not.
I know how deeply it is to want to fix and repair and make all the bad shit go away when you find out the person who you have loved, married said the vows to honor respect and til death do us part has been so injured and carried such a heavy burden all the while presenting someone the world has no idea of the boy inside.
I geuss what I have found out that this partnership deal is pretty much a crap shoot for what works and what doesnt. The one thing I know that DOES work is support from many others and many different sources. This site is wonderful as well as a few others, therapist, live support groups in your area, your physicians, pastors etc.... and select friends.
Since it is only recent that you found out about his abuse, give him a bit of time to digest what he has disclosed. Most likely he is feeling very vulnerable and raw right now. and perhaps not feeling as if he can trust not only himself but even you and his closest friends and family.
The power of holding the most horrific of secrets for anyone is a huge one -- and it will be a huge process to let go of the after effects just physically, before the emotional releases may come. and a whole new emotional maturation process along the way.
I too encourage you to know that only your hubby can heal himself, his choice, his pace ALL his -- during this you will need much support as you very well may become the safe target for his expressions real and imagined -- build your own support group just for you. Be selective of who you disclose his long held secret with, .... he has entrusted you, if you feel comfortable with asking him to allow you a support person during this time, let him know who it is you would like permission to share with -- or choose a therapist all of your own...
Its a rough journey but as the guys have said -- the hubby you get on the other side of this journey is improved and worth every tear and painful ache along the way...
Many hugs and share as you need to -- its a great bunch here, Peace, Sammy

#58367 - 03/23/04 04:48 PM Re: New to this -
lovingwife Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 03/17/04
Posts: 4
Loc: Boring
Thank you so much to all of you. Your comments and support are greatly appreciated - I was able to discuss therapy with the hubby - he is all for it. I did tell him that I would take the time to find him one that he would hopefully be able to work with - and keep trying if he did like one -

I'm feeling strong and ready for this road - and I really love the comments made about the better person in the end of this - I know he'll never be able to forget but moving forward is the jouney - I like to see him be able to release the inner child in him and slowly he is being able to do that with me. I'm not rushing - I've got many years with this man and I've learned to be patient. I hold true the 5 A's of our relationship: Allowance, Attention, Affermation, Attitude, and Acceptance - Thank you all - I'll keep you posted - God Bless.


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