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#58231 - 10/20/05 12:42 AM boyfriend of a male survivor needing help
jagerelf Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/19/05
Posts: 2
Loc: Philadelphia
I have been dating the most wonderful man during the past year. He is caring, honest and loyal. It took a few months of dating for us to come to the discussion about him being molested as a child. The conversation came up in a healthy discussion about our own intimacy. The discussion was initiated by myself because I thought he was losing interest in me sexually. he had previously explained that the longer we were together, the better things would become for us, but it wasn't the case. The intervals of our intimacy became longer. I had suspected that there was an issue with sex, that was deeper than a low libido and I ws correct. He only explained that there was something in his childhood that was very inappropriate. He didn't get into anything specific, but explained that was part of the reason his past relationships ended because of his disinterest in sex. He even explained that he hasn't been more comfortable about sex since he he's been with me. He feels as though he has come along way since his past. Following that discussion, our intimacy has become more frequent.

I am still concerned about some of the issues that we face with our intimacy. It sometimes seems one-sided. There is plenty of attention on me and my body, and he does let me reciprocate some of the actions. But there are some parts of his body that he doesnt want me to touch and certain acts that he absolutely refuses me to return to him.

Last night we spoke about his harsh reaction to me wanting to try certain things. None of it is out of the ordinary, perverse or extreme - but it makes me feel bad that I even brought it up. He can see my point of view about how his reaction can be harsh, and he sweetly explained that these are his boundaries. He attributes these boundaries to "the situations of the past"

Today he is upset and worried that this has come up as a problem in a relationship, something that he thought he was so far past, but with each new person that he dates it comes up again. Unfortuneatly he sees this problem as the demise of all his relationships. I love him soo much and would never want him to do anything he didn't enjoy. And I understand that there are boundaries with everyone, including myself.

Now I feel terrible for bringing the conversation up. I explained that this doesn't change my love for him and that trying anything else for us sexually was not a priority.

Will these attitudes towards sex evolve over time? I wish I knew how to handle this the right way and would love any feedback.

partner of a male survivor

#58232 - 10/20/05 01:46 AM Re: boyfriend of a male survivor needing help
Born to Resist Offline

Registered: 09/30/05
Posts: 269
Loc: Southern California, USA
Hi Jagerelf,

Take this for what its worth ... just one survivor's perspective. He obviously cares for you deeply to even hint at his childhood experience(s). At least he can make the connection to his early childhood and his current actions or non-actions. Hopefully he is seeing a therapist. If so you could mention that you're open to seeing the therapist with him. His attitudes towards sex will evolve very slowly over time (at his own pace), but will also have periods of regression to old patterns. Will his attitudes and behaviors match your expectations ... perhaps his behaviors along as he actively deals with his CSA ... as for his attitudes ... there is a good chance he will always have mixed sexual attitudes, but could reach periods of positive sexual attitudes. One thing that began changing my mindset about sexual attitudes was a relationship with someone who kept talking about how she enjoyed sex because it felt like she was close to me, she enjoyed looking into my eyes and feeling me love her ... "until I went somwhere else." One idea I wanted to try with her was tantric sex because it was more about a spiritiual connection with your partner rather than emphasizing the physical connection

.... just my rambling thoughts

#58233 - 10/21/05 02:45 AM Re: boyfriend of a male survivor needing help
RockyMtJoe Offline

Registered: 08/11/04
Posts: 97
Loc: East of Pueblo, Colorado
Brother jagerelf:

I read and again read the post.

I went over and over and out in gay relationships
due to my CSA. At the time I had no idea that it was due to my CSA.

I had so many rules and such: "don't touch there",
I cannot do that" tec.

A few guys were willing to listen and help; I
just went "asexual".

I fared I guess poorly as I gave up but that was decades ago. Now folks talk about such.

Think of the olde Joni Mitchel or Tom Rush song "Tin Angel"

Try and put another heart in him. That is so much of a demand upon you.

Good luck, things work out......


#58234 - 10/21/05 03:44 AM Re: boyfriend of a male survivor needing help
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
I hope you are able to encourage him to seek a therapist. His struggles with intimacy are suggestive that he needs some support. Good luck. Peace, Andrew

there is no courage without anxiety

#58235 - 10/21/05 07:12 AM Re: boyfriend of a male survivor needing help
jagerelf Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 10/19/05
Posts: 2
Loc: Philadelphia
You guys are amazing.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. My boyfriend is currently seeing a therapist and has been for quite awhile. I know therapy continues to help and I am all the more hopeful that you mentioned it's importance.

I am fully confident that the love I have for him and that the love we share will help us through these issues. I mentioned to him that I joined this site, because it was important for me to sound some of these things off on others and relate more to the issue at hand. I can't even describe how happy he was. He was grateful for our conversation and so happy that I take this so seriously. He agrees we have something amazing between the two of us, which also makes me realize that there will be stronger better days ahead.

Back to the first reply, I am aware that progress may revert and that there maybe more issues, new issues and hopefully less issues for the future. Bottom line, I am happy and so is he. We are strong, but I always welcome youre advice and stories. They have definitely helped alot.

partner of a male survivor


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