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#58194 - 10/18/05 10:10 AM very confused
wantstohelp Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/17/05
Posts: 26
I'm not sure where to start. I visit the site pretty much daily, but I haven't written anything in a while. There are so many postings that I'd like to answer, but I don't feel like I have enough wisdom to give anyone else advice.

My boyfriend, well, I guess now he's my ex, still isn't talking to me after his disclosure. I forgave him for his cheating on me, but we had a terrible fight, and he ended our relationship in the middle of it. What's hardest for me is that he seems to flip on what he wants so quickly. That night that he ended things, the morning of he was at my house, happy, telling me he loved me and that he wanted to go away with me for the weekend. And then a fight, and he's gone. He said it was just too much for him to take, that he loved me, and that he wanted to be friends, but over the weeks and months he seems to be just pulling further and further away.

And I am doing everything wrong. I'm trying my best to be the most supportive that I can, and be there for him, but everything I do seems to make him more and more upset with me. He says he wants to be my friend, and then he changes his mind. Now he is accusing me of walking all over him in arguments, even though he acknowledges that I'd never do it intentionally. I'm trying so hard to just give him space, while letting him know how much I care about him, but I don't seem to be finding a very good balance.

I just don't know what to do anymore. It's so hard. I feel like I'm stabbing in the dark, never knowing if what I will say or do will be comforting for him (which 1/2 of the time it is) or will make him feel cramped. I don't know whether to write periodically to tell him I'm here if he needs me, and that it's ok that he needs space, or to just not write at all because even writing might upset him.

I just want to do whatever is best, but he changes what he says he wants a lot, and so it's really hard for me to know what I am supposed to do. And, on top of that, he perceives everything i do as having ulterior motives, when they don't. Like if I apologize for something, or if I tell him that I care, he thinks I'm trying to get something out of him.. or trying to get us back together.. and he keeps saying 'he isn't ready for that'. But I'm NOT. I apologize when I feel badly for upsetting him, and I tell him I care because I do and he is always expressing insecurities that I don't. I don't WANT anything from him. I'm just trying to do the best I can, and be good to him.

Does anyone have any advice? Is there something I can do or not do to make this less of a mess? I don't know whether to write and tell him that the ball is in his court, and he can contact me when he'd like, or just back away slowly. I'm so confused.

thanks so much for letting me rant.

#58195 - 10/18/05 06:39 PM Re: very confused
Trish4850 Offline
BoD Liaison Emeritus

Registered: 10/15/05
Posts: 3280
Loc: New Jersey

I have no answer for you because I'm afraid that I may find myself in the same position. Taking the advice of one of the survivors here, I will leave a letter for my b/f at his home tonight. I know he will read it and I know he will cry, but I don't know what he will do about it, if anything. I'm laying myself bare in the hope that he will believe that I love him and will support him in his recovery. I'm afraid, but he is worth the risk.

You sound like you want more than anything to do the right thing by your b/f and to be his safety anchor. Keep letting him know that. But if his rejection of himself, and in turn you, gets to the point where you are damaged, you must turn away. I know this in my head, but it's hard to do.

Good luck and be happy - for you.

"If you are in a relationship that is causing you more pain than happiness, get out. It's not true that love should never hurt but it is true that love should not ALWAYS hurt. Don't sacrifice your happiness in the name of love."

If you fall down 10 times, Stand up 11.

#58196 - 10/18/05 06:41 PM Re: very confused

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178

"And I am doing everything wrong. I'm trying my best to be the most supportive that I can, and be there for him, but everything I do seems to make him more and more upset with me".

I just wanted to say that I hope you can be gentle on yourself and believe that you are not "doing everything wrong" The fact that you are trying so hard is reason to believe that you are a good person and worth praise and thanks.

I'll give you that even if he can't just yet.

I doubt my ability to give sound advise, there are plenty of others on this site better qualified to do that, but I can give you my experience that couples councelling helped me enormously to feel less desperate (and I really did feel desperate) about my failure to say or do a single thing that seemed helpful to the situation I and my partner were/are in.
It helped us both to communicate with each other.

Good luck



#58197 - 10/19/05 02:37 PM Re: very confused
wantstohelp Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 08/17/05
Posts: 26
Thank you both very much for your answers. Trish, I think you are right. It has gotten to the point where I have been damaged by the situation, but I'm having trouble turning away. He lashes out verbally when I try to approach him or tell him that I care for him, and I know in my head that it isn't ok, but I do so much want to help that every few weeks I try to send him an email or something telling him that no matter what, I'm still not angry with him. That I do care. And that I will be here if he ever needs me - for anything.

Tracyuk, thank you for my advice. I'm sure couples counselling would be an amazing step for us, even just as friends. Unfortunately, he won't talk to me or see me right now, so I don't think as of yet I could suggest anything like that to him. The trouble is that my b/f is still at the stage where he has disclosed the incidents to me, partially, but he insists repetitively, without me even bringing up the topic, that he doesn't consider himself a victim. It's like preemptive defensiveness. He is so quick to defend himself against things that aren't even there that I end up having to calm him down quite a bit and tell him that I wasn't asking for any of the things he's afraid of. For instance, I have been engaged in the past, and my current bf, or ex, and I had a very nice relationship, but frequently he would get very upset with me that I was trying to 'trap' him into marriage, when that wasn't my intention, and when I had said nothing of the kind. He kept accusing me of expecting that from him, when, in reality, I didn't think we were at that stage yet. It's just very hard to handle.

I sent him an email to show him this sight, telling him it was just in case he ever wanted to look at it, and he said thank you but no thanks type of thing.

I'm just not sure what to do. He has no one that he is close to in the world, and I feel in a way that he is testing me to see if I really care for him enough not to hate him and give up. I get that impression because when he pushes away really hard, or does horrible things like cheat on me or if he says something mean, if I am kind to him right after he seems so relieved and thankful.

I just think that he's had so little kindness in his life that he doesn't know how to accept it when it's offered, and in a way it seems to scare him. Perhaps that's because kindness in his past was always connected with people trying to take advantage of him. I was just thinking.. if I consistently every few weeks send an email telling him I will stand by him.. while still giving him space otherwise.. and therefore show him that I will be here, and support him, and don't expect anything back.. that eventually.. he will come to see that kindness CAN be just kindness.

I don't know. It's just a thought. I would appreciate feedback if anyone has any. I just love him so much. It's surprising sometimes, even to myself. But I really do believe he is an amazing man who is capable of so many things. And I really do want to do whatever I can in this situation.

Thanks to all of you for listening.

#58198 - 10/24/05 09:29 PM Re: very confused

Registered: 09/23/05
Posts: 178
Wants to help,

I think most of your own suggestions sound great. Also keep asking him if there is anything you can do to help. He might one day say yes. I was lucky in that my partner chose to organise the couples couselling although we weren't together at the time having split up.

Also just a thought but if he's not ready to actually come back to you and believe that you love him and can be there for him as a trusted ally then maybe thats an indication that being together would prove to be more heartache than its worth??? A very amature observation by the way.

When and if he comes back is the time there is something to work on????

Good luck, thinking of you


#58199 - 10/25/05 03:11 AM Re: very confused
beautifuldisaster Offline

Registered: 01/03/05
Posts: 85
Loc: usa
Hi there,
You should go back into the archives of discussions similar to these over the past year. Especially looking in this forum, as there are lots of special others that have had many, many questions and things they inquired on.
This journey is long, ours is 3 yrs old...well, almost 30 yrs old for him.
I am still asking questions.
I think the best thing you can do is educate yourself on the subject, and dont get lost in it yourself.
Good luck, and ask away. Lots of great ones to help you in this part of the world.



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