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#5802 - 09/10/01 06:18 AM advice?
Harry Offline

Registered: 04/09/01
Posts: 141
Loc: California
ok, so i met this girl, well, she's 21, I'm 20, and i like her a lot. a lot of fun, great sense of humor, good looking, and she really likes me. of course whatta ya know - all my relationships with women turn to shit within a week of getting serious. and i know this is because i am confused sexually and all. i mean, she is good looking but i dont know if i'm sexually attracted to her. don't know if i can be. hell, i'm probably gay after all. (or if you've read my other posts and know me better, it still sucks). but i really like her and didnt just want to go and get weird once it started getting heavy.
so i did it. i told another person face to face about me being abused. i wanted her to know, as an excuse for me, y'know? we shared a lot of stuff about our pasts, and when i told her about it she cared so much and i almost cried (well i did sorta). anyways now she knows and i told her that i wasnt sure i even wanted to take our relationship further - didnt know if i would be able to handle it. so she said ok (even though she is really wanting to go on with it). so now she really loves me and all and there's so much pressure to just try to go for it. i want to make her happy, and i wanna sleep with her too (20 year old virgin here). she loves me unconditionally but the fact that i know that she wants me more makes me thinking about liking her sexually and that just doesn't happen. it just makes me nervous around her now. and it sucks. ok. so what do i do? go all the way, even if it is horrible? just stay god friends and kinda torture her? or what?

by the way, my real name is John. I've been just goin by Harry, and people know me as that but i'm going more towards being honest, especially with you guys, so just wanted to throw that out. you can keep callin me Harry if ya want. I'm used to it. It was just like, for instance, Brian has always been a great help to me (supporter, role model-inspiration kinda guy for me) and i felt bad calling him his real name when he called me Harry. I have no problems with other people's anonymity, I just don't want to be anonymous myself anymore. (but call me Harry or John, i dont care).

oh yeah, and please give me some advice if ya have any. \:\)

oh and also, i have an appontment with a therapist at school here on tuesday. first one. bit nervous - hope i remember to make myself ask about about experience with male sexual victimization. all i know is i'm seeing someone names Joy. i might want a male therapist too, or do i? what's better? what do you guys have? more advice please.

[ September 10, 2001: Message edited by: Harry ]

In the name of the Anger, and of the Sadness, and of the Unholy Fear. Amen.

#5803 - 09/10/01 11:42 AM Re: advice?

John, I had a very similar experience at about your age with a woman. For me, if I shared the right things about myself, it helped me to be able to be sexual. I even shared that I was conflicted about my sexual identity. When someone accepts your 'demons' it sometimes makes it all ok. I agree with Urso tho that it is best to take it easy, and enjoy the process.

#5804 - 09/10/01 12:14 PM Re: advice?
getteddie Offline

Registered: 07/19/01
Posts: 226
Loc: Cub Hill, Md

Dear John,
I know that I have a different side to these discussions but that is just how fucked up I am. When my flashbacks started a year ago I picked up a deep hate for men....all men! This is how I ended up in a hospital for nut cases, trying to kick the shit out of any guy that would give me a try. I getting better about it...haven't tried to kill anyone for 10 months now but I'm still afraid to be around men for the fear of losing it. So my first therapist was a woman, which didn't work out becaused she just sat there in shock as I told the abuse story. It became a one sided thing with me talking and her trying not to freak out...I didn't get much help here! My wife looked long and far to find a therapist with experience in male SA. I picked a male because of my past experience of freaking out this lady. He has lots of experience and has been a great help to me....I'm still alive! I say give her a chance and if she freaks...drop her and try a male therapist with experience in male SA. With your new girl friend...this is the hard one!!! Most SA survivors have a very hard time with love and sex...thinking that love is sex and sex is love...they feel that they have to have sex right away to have love. This is where they fuck up!!! I agree with Mick on this one! "TRY" not to jump on the sex thing right away and try to be friends first and love will slowly come to life. Then sex will be more real to you and fun...not something that you force yourself to do for the relationship. This will work if she feels the same way and is not out for just sex. If she is and keeps pushing for may want to go for it just for the experience, I did when I was in your spot and it helped me find the right woman to love later in my life. Just don't be a jerk and confuss sex with love, if sex comes first! It could very well be true love but it may not and you don't need to be hurt any more. John, I wish you luck!!!! my real fucken name!!!!!

#5805 - 09/10/01 01:27 PM Re: advice?
SoCalJohn Offline

Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California

Great name by the way, hehe.

Dude, about the girl you met, well, the only thing i want to say is for you to try and remember that she is a grown up too and she is responsible for her half of your relationship, and its ok for you to just go with the flow and see where it takes you, who knows, you may just find out that your into the hetero thing, i hope your able to let yourself explore what its about for you to just have a girlfriend and see where it goes, its not like you have to make any concrete long term plans or anything right now, you know just someone to go to a movie or dinner with might not be too bad for you. I wish you the best, keep an open mind and let yourself just have the experiences that the relationship has to offer.

As for therapists, i have had both and had good luck with both men and women, i think your level of trust and the therapists ability to help you feel better and talk about your feelings is more important than the sex of the therapist, its all about how well your able to relate to each other, just go for it and see how it goes.

I am glad to see you post, your last one sounded like you were pretty depressed and i have been kinda worried about you.

Hugs to ya,


I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.

#5806 - 09/10/01 03:12 PM Re: advice?
michaelb Offline

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio
i feel so much angst for you john.....i totally understand your confusion, your trepidation......of couse, this is coming from a 42 year old "virgin".......i guess my advice to you is to follow your sounds like you have a very special person to a psychiatrist has even advised me to have a joint session with anybody i might have a relationship you think she would be willing to see a counselor with you?????? if so, that might be the ideal situation...........just be so very proud of yourself to face these issues now.....i've ran from them my entire life....always rationalizing that if the girl was just prettier, more understanding, etc....that i could have sex with her.....i was very in love with a girl and really wanted to please her.....i remember her crying because i could not go further......i just thought i must be gay....just like you feel about yourself....but i've had lots of gay guys approach me wanting to have sex, and that does not seem right for me either....I ADMIRE YOUR COURAGE AND INTESTINAL FORTITUDE TO FACE THESE PROBLEMS AT YOUR should be very proud of yourself.....i also envy you happy......if i can be of any help, you can e-mail me at


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