Kolisha: re: getting hooked on drama - Interesting thought - I have had that thought myself a lot. My thoughts are that because of our background we just have a much higher tolerance for crap and drama, and just stay in situations where others who have not had that kind of background would have left a long time before.. hence increasing our tolerance for crap and drama.
Also for me, I have a hard time identifying when people are crossing the line and when I am crossing the line - its like i am 5 years old and asking a million people for their advice on what I should do.. but literaly, I dont know what to do, if someone is out of line, if someone is not out of line and I am over reacting, my whole perception of that is really poorly developed and poorly grounded.
Re: breaking ties: That is tough. I can completely identify with that situation.. however since my last relationsihp that ended where I felt I was the only one in it, I realized that I just didnt have the energy anymore to be in that kind of a relationship and even attempt to have any kind of a life for myself out of it. It took too much of my energy just to try and keep something patched up that wasn't ever gonna work. Trying ot keep your own life together - job, personal life, is hard enough let alone trying to singlehandedly hold a failing relationship together. I realised then that a relationship that will work out will have ot be one where the other person is drawn to me - that puts energy and effort into the relatioship, and with every new relationship to sit and see how "engaged' this person is going ot be with me before I get too deeply involved. I have had to let a few "potentials" walk since that time.. but better to know early then I will only boo-hoo for a few weeks rather than months or years if it breaks up!!!
For whatever problems I may have in my current relationship at least my partner is giving it his 100% - i may not always like what is going on but he just does not quit. He does not spend too much time in denial but has been very quick to gather resources to help - he was the first one of us to call a couples counsellor a few years ago, he is usually the one to make the first move after a big fight, he has been active in his counselling and therapy, he is committed and I cant ask for more in that department.
Its just the nature of our interactions that are particularly thorny and abusive sometimes. I know he does not want to leave.. which is something.
What you are going through is a normal grief reaction to any kind of a loss. Hell - I am planning on buying a house and moving over the next few months - sounds like a great move upwards right? Something to be happy about?
However this move will require me to leave my current beautiful neighbourhood which I have lived in for about 4 years (apartment rentals are affordable in this 'hood but houses to purchase are about 1/2 mil.. yikes) and I am grieving the loss of my lifestyle and neighbourhood.... and very blue about it today... if that is bumming me out then a breakup is even higher on that scale! Be kind to yourself.
Regarding questions on "why did I stay in that relationship so long" - if you have done any studying on grief (I think there is a book by Elizabeth Kubler Ross??), you will be aware that two big parts of the grief process are a) "denial" and b) "bargaining". We are doing both of those when we hang on to things and people and situations that are no good for us.. because even though it was no good for us, it is PART of us and letting go involves a loss. By hanging on, and denying, and putting up with stuff that we shouldnt we are protecting ourselves from the pain. And I dont know about you but for me, grief is really really painful. FOr some of us, unfortuantely, we feel things so deeply and so strongly that we would do anyting to protect us from that pain -even put up with crap and abuse (which we have a high tolerance for - as per a previous paragraph in this post
However, unfortunately, the only way through the pain of loss and grief, is, right through it. You gotta feel it, process it, sit in it, cry through it, it sucks bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad... but you gotta go there.......
The only advice I can give is to eat well, try to sleep, exercise, take care of the physical and spiritual health, surround yourself with comfort, caring people, and healthy things and do what you gotta do.
Ok i'm gonna get Catholic on ya here on how I try to perservere through these tough times - I know you are Jewish but hey we can all learn from other faiths.... I dont know where I'd be today without my own faith to fall back on i tell ya.
So... a few years ago I had a hell of a run of bad luck - as I have mentioned - I was unemployed, dumped by my live-in boyfriend (hence homeless and jobless) and had to move back in with my seriusly dysfunctional parents (dad was very hooked on tranquilizers which were causing serious health problems and had fallen off the alcoholism wagon, was back into his suicidal phases, attempted suicide by OD on drugs/alcohol) in 2000-2001. I had also just experienced the traumatic death of a friend in a plane crash in late 1998, had a bad accident falling down stairs and was badly injured (severe tissue injury/pelvic/spinal bruises) and wound up hooked on pain killers as well as the fact that I had to watch my beloved pet cat waste away from cancer during 1998 and was put down Easter 1999.
I had no choice but to look to the higher powers for support.. there was nothing, absolutley nothing that ayone could do to soothe me. It was awful. I was alone, homeless, jobless, about 50 lbs overweight, completely dependent on my parents again at age 30, how awful.
So after about 2 months of being completely incapacitated, I got all spiritual.. what the he** else could I do?
I dove into my own faith, and started to see a parallel between these major challenges to the story about Jesus when he realized that God's master plan for us was for him to die a really painful death for the "greater good".
At one point this whole master plan was laid out Jesus by God and he knew he had to do it but he didn't want to.. who the he** would want to be voluntarily killed? Painfully? For anyone? Forget that nonsense!
So Jesus went out into the desert to wrestle with the fact that he was about to be captured and painfully crucified, and here he was, God's son, put on earth to do "His will" and that will was to die, painfully and publicly, and there was NOTHING he could do but fulfil God's will. He had to die, in the exact way that God laid out for him.
Because he was a human - God in Human form if you will, he grieved, cried, denied, challenged, bargained, experienced the normal range of emotions that any human would have knowing he had to sacrifice in the extreme. But in the end, he did what he had to do, what he was put on earth to do.. and so we see that in our faith as the ultimate act of love and liberation - that he was sacrificed and allowed that to happen so that we could all live eternally with God after WE die.
I liken my "bad years" to this - when went through these experinces of great loss I called it my "great desert"... and realized that we as humans must, from time to time, all go through these throughout our lives for the greater good.
When we go through these personal deserts - we are going through to the eternal good of improving our own life, relationships and the welfare of ourselves and those around us. We go through these to learn, and to grow in love and faith as Jesus demonstrated and as God dictated.
Some of us have more pain and others less.. (that too is similar to another bible story - the parable of the "talents" but I'll get into that in another post) and both the desert story and the parable of the talents give me great comfort when I get into my "why, why why why me? Why did I have to go through what I went through? Why did my partner have to be sexually abused? Why Us?" modes.
Sometimes there is no rationale or reason, sometimes I believe that God calls to us gently and other times it is painful but it is all a lesson for us to learn to trust Him. That we are not really in control of our lives, but God, (or whatever name you give him - Buddah, Allah, Great Spirit, Righteous Dude
- that God is in control and we have to live according to God's rules, not ours.
Apologies if I have offended those of another faith by my sharing.... but again... I am just sharing my own experiences here, hopefully its helpful. I dont think I'd be able to have handled all I have handled, as well as being able to try and help my partner through his issues, keep a job and all of that crap going if I didnt have some kind of faith that there is a master plan at work behind all of this shite. I dont know yet what that master plan IS but such is the nature of faith.........
Catholic PAS over and out.