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#57337 - 08/12/05 04:41 AM SAR, & Guize "those nightmares"
Wifey1 Offline

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Hi SAR & Guize,
I have a question for you, for those of you who have the nightmares of partners repeating the behaviors, or even strange nightmares that are attached to the SA stuff...
Do you talk to your partners about your nightmares or keep them to yourselves?

I have after a few weeks told hubby that I have been having the nightmares. I told him it wasnt his "fault" that my brain is just fried, plus I have a sleep disorder that causes what are called "Hypnogogic Hallucinations" -- so Hubby's pretty used to me waking, unable to move - he physically has to move my body to release the cataplexy part....
BUT I have "blurted" the strangness of the nightmares.
RECENtly the I had a nightmare that I was trying to get 2 young teen boys out of a War Torn village. I hid them in a water buffalo cart (two wheeled cart) in some hay & ratty blankets. When the "Polcia! POLICIA!" showed up. Because I am "white" I kept showing thru the "cover up" - then gureullas (sp) showed up with machine guns shooting the Police into drainage ditches with stacked dead bodies in them - I tried to "convince" the border patrol these were my "sons" , attempting to Save their lives.**END OF POSSIBLE TRIGGER**
The dream or hypnogogic hallucination as it was sooooo real I awoke screaming, but could not move classic cataplexy. I thot also that I may have had a "stroke" as I could not move one side of my face trying to "talk" to hubby. Poor hubby was in his own fog from being woken by my screams, it took him some while to figure out to remove his CPAP & then come to my side of the bed to roll my body & reposition me, then I could speak...

Anyway, do you guys share your nightmares with your partners? I have been "choosey" in which ones I share -- but it seems as if the nightmares lessen & go away for me if I tell him.

Am I doing more harm than good?

Peace, Sammy

#57338 - 08/12/05 05:24 AM Re: SAR, & Guize "those nightmares"
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA

My worst nightmare I had to at least share what was going on because I was so angry at him when I woke up, and for several hours later. I know that's not exactly fair, to be angry at someone for what he did in a dream, but still I was so angry I was shaking.

The actual plot of the dream I did not share with him and it's too triggering to share here. It involves him trying to lie about something that he didn't know I saw.

I have dreams that I am cheating on the "new" him with the "old" him and that they both know about it. I also have ones where we are in some super dramatic situation like the one you describe, and halfway through it one of us just sits down and refuses to go on, and the other has to try and get them to keep going... these ones I have told him about.

Up until very recently he claimed to never remember his dreams and was not very sympathetic when I talked about mine. Lately he has been having nightmares but I think he feels sort of foolish asking me to listen to them.

#57339 - 08/14/05 12:36 PM Re: SAR, & Guize "those nightmares"
Wifey1 Offline

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380

I understand those dreams that keep the "anger" level going & then later having to explain the anger part & where it came from.

I had a "nap" this afternoon in which I was "watching him" in my dream have a conversation with the daughter than he had gotten into the S.O. of her so called "friend" with. It was very disturbing. Then the two of them woke me for dinner -- I was already in a pissy mood cuz I just have felt like crap physically from all the stuff that has been going on -- but during dinner then the 2 of them seemed to have a "correction" & or interupt every damn thing I said.

Ok so I ended up being a not so nice person, slammed my meal into the kitchen sink - with still the ugly dream feelings hanging over me I couldnt share & feeling like poo anyway and then to get treated like crap on top of it.

Later I got to talk to hubby , even tho it was near impossible to hold his attention tonight & explained that I am NOT any longer going to be the "punching bag / blame" for them not letting me finish sentences & for them NOT taking into account my the effects of my mini strokes = short term memory loss & speech difficulty (Proper word finding).

Maybe its like the 50th thrown a hissy fit like this, (in 17 yrs) but I told him for now on it was UP to THEM to start treating me better and I was damn tired and having to "explain" & defend myself when I was / am already a bit behind the 8 ball physically. THAT in the last 6 - 7 yrs since I got this stupid diagnosis NONE of them have made an effort to figure out HOW or WHY to HELP me thru these episodes and do it with RESPECT not to down play me or make fun of the situation. It down right HURTS to have them do this or TRY to speak for me. ENOUGH people who dont know my physical problems do this for me. Not uncommon to have uncontrolled emotional "fits" short lived due to the mini strokes.

I told him it was fine that he found out so much about the physcial part of my heart but not the "other stuff" and I am not carrying that weight anymore nor am I gonna take the brunt of them not educating themselves for it.

I know my little out burst was fueled by the "dream" I had. BUT I just couldnt let that out, at least NOT with my daugh sitting there. She has her own role in the whole S.O. thing & is having a hard time just dealing with being able to forgive herself enough to talk to me like she used to. SHE wont go to therapy, but knows and I do repeat it on needed occassions I dont hate her and dont place blame on her -- she owns her "part", but she needs to work on her & dad's relationship first, AND he is doing his part VERY strongly now by not allowing her the simple every day shit she used to pull of "manipulating him".

I have dreams that I am cheating on the "new" him with the "old" him and that they both know about it. I also have ones where we are in some super dramatic situation like the one you describe, and halfway through it one of us just sits down and refuses to go on, and the other has to try and get them to keep going... these ones I have told him about.
Hmmm, I havent had the "cheating on him with him" dreams. BUT, then again I DID not hold back on dating when we were physically living apart. I think those few dates / short relationships perhaps helped my beaten self esteem some? AND showed me that there are a lot of guys out there a whole lot more messed up than my own Hubby.

The dreams of one of us "stopping" & sitting down during a 'crisis' happened a lot during his time active military. Even have a GF from military who describes same kind of dreams?? I wonder if it is brought on by a feeling of loneliness in our travels of life? For me I wondered if those dreams were fueled by feeling as if Hubby was NOT doing his part to heal or deal with what was happening in our personal relationship at the time.

I get a lot of frightening dreams now that he gets picked up by the cops and mistakenly charged with an S.O. that I and Others can prove he did NOT do - but the cops set him up & send him away anyway. These I think are probably fueled by 1) the feeling of abandonment from having worked with the cops so closely and how quickly they didnt tell me WHAT they knew he was doing without my knowledge re: the prostitutes & how they couldnt face me AFTER he got arrested on the S.O. misdemeanor thing. A form of abandoment in its
own right as I perceive it. The Very REAL "potential" that he may abandon me even after we do marriage counseling 3)feelings of abandonment now due to his "busy schedule" etc...

Up until very recently he claimed to never remember his dreams and was not very sympathetic when I talked about mine. Lately he has been having nightmares but I think he feels sort of foolish asking me to listen to them.
Hubby STILL claims no memory of his dreams or details only will tell me "I had a bad night of sleep, from bad dreams but cant remember the details.

At times his "voice" tells me he DOES remember the details but just cant bring himself to share them - and then at times I can tell in his "voice" he really doesnt remember the details - he normally reacts by being one crabby butt head after these dreams.

I dont want to sound like I am bragging here but I have gotten MUCh better about NOT internalizing his crabby behavior after him telling me he had a bad night of bad dreams.


I still get frustrated that he cant share a NO he doesnt want sex or tell me that he is too triggered to say no to sex as it still effects him when we have sexual contact.

He has been able in the past to share with me that during sex it is very hard for him to NOT go into "reliving the abuse" to reach orgasm. I understand that this really is not all that uncommon, and in fact have experienced/ s it my own self at times.
YET, I still feel a range of feelings from hurt to anger at him to anger at his perps, my perps to HUGE sadness etc. I then even feel more so like a "Perp" when he shares AFTERWARD that he "didnt really want to", or he did so as he felt he would "let me down" etc. I know its about TRUST, I believe that he TRUSTS me, with his SA info, but still has not learned to Trust Himself especially because he has not TRIED to say "NO" to me. I asked him if he was "afraid of my response" if he said no & he said no he wasnt afraid of me. BUT a lot of what he felt also was GUILT about his acting out with his sex addiction and "with holding sex" due to THAT guilt a the time.

I wish I could say that "my heart breaks for him" in this situation. BUt I cant because I know that ONLY thru HIS healing can he move beyond that internalized talk he gives himself. I know he would "feel better" with a few more successful sexual contacts, but "I" cant do HIS work. Of course it will take both of us setting up the new & improved ground rules for sexual contact when he & I are ready to deal with that portion of our life.
Until then it really does not take ANY stretch of my imagination to KNOW what his dreams & nightmares probably consists of in detail as he has shared WHAT his "Perps" did to him.

I also wanted to add this: He has seems to not be as unsettled or disturbed by the first SA experience
That experience he was about 4 or 5 & a neighbor kid was molesting him. An adult neighbor or SOMEONE notified his Dad who came out and "rescued him in the act" & then beat this older boys ass all the way back to the "boys house" - he doesnt remember his "mom" ever attemting to soothe him. Neither does he remember or know if his Dad attempted to contact this kids parents his dad is very racist & this "kid" who wasnt much older than he was at the time was of a differnt race.

However his DAd was very very kind and gentle and told him it was HIS body and not to let any one else touch him like "that" again. That he was to come tell "DAD" immediately if anyone tried that stuff again.

Maybe it wasn't exactly "pefect wording" but he holds no animosity toward his DAD like he did his mom.... his dad was out of the picture of his daily life when the 2nd older teen violently raped him repeatedly & his "Mom" who I swear to this day had a verifiable mental illness or at least was narcccisstic (sp) as hell did not make it "safe" for him to "TELL" - plus she was a down right mean parent denying visitation to DAD until at 18 he RAN to live with his "dad".

Hubby has shared enough details of his abuse I dont "need" much more to fill in the dots -- I do know for a while last yr he "discussed" possibly making contact with a female that the 2 of them did act out sexually with each other -- he knows in his heart SOMEONE molested her as she "instigated" much of their sexually acting out. I told him IF he chose to approach her I would be supportive of ANY choice he made as long as he was active in one on one therapy at the time --- maybe that was wrong on my part? BUT just from my own experience of what happened with my sister & I , I wanted HIM safe emotionally and HER safe emotionally also.

Altho he tells me he does not feel any guilt about the two of them sexually acting out -- I have a hard time believing that totally in my heart as that is one area of my "own" abuse I still struggle with something awful --- I KNOW in my head its our abusers FAULT, but the adult scarring that happened as in my sister & I have NO relationship because of it.... just hurts so deeply ... I cant imagine how deeply HE must hurt with the results of the end of their relationship. He carried her picture in his wallet even after we were married. UNKNOWINGLY I told him to remove her picture it hurt my feelings that he still carried what he called "his first girlfriend" --- How I wish I could "undo" those words and that request now knowing the FULL details and understand WHY he carried her picture....

Dreams, can really suck sometimes SAR -- but then again, the dreams he had as a child of never believing he would live past 18 due to drug & alcohol use and now he has filled his deepest dream just as I did my own ... A REAL family, yea we may be broken in spots -- BUT we are still a far better family than either of us had growing up.

Peace, and Sweet Dreams for US ALL

#57340 - 08/14/05 04:43 PM Re: SAR, & Guize "those nightmares"
kolisha54 Offline

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
As I said before, Sammy, your growth over the past year is humbling & inspiring! One hissy fit does not indicate a pattern & from what you've written, it's been long over-due anyway.


If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel

#57341 - 08/15/05 08:16 AM Re: SAR, & Guize "those nightmares"
Wifey1 Offline

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
I thank you so much for the kind words of encouragement!!! I know they are heart felt and it is so nice to "hear" others who have seen what I often have not felt myself.

Coming here the 1st time was very scarey & intimdating for me. Once I began to "tell" my story & parts of Hubby -- the support here has been such a "GIFT".

As you know I felt I was in such a tough spot considering that Hubby had been convicted of a mideameanor S.O. -- I do daily now find easily things that he HAS grown about. AND it makes me much calmer and not on edge.

I hope that he knows in his heart how much HIS changes have helped ME to change too.

Without this support board out here where I live in lost land of little to no "active partner" support groups I think I would have thrown in the towel a long time ago.

So MANY thanks to those who are able to share, to those who support "behind the scenes" - and to our own survivor selves!

Much Peace for All of US!


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