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#57295 - 01/07/04 06:55 PM Peace and reconciliation (also on Male Survivors and Off Topic)
crisispoint Offline

Registered: 09/24/03
Posts: 2154
Loc: Massachusetts
Brothers and sisters,

With all that's gone on in the "Bounderies" thread in "Friends & Family," a lot of us got hurt and many of us said things that were unkind, not well thought out, or hostile. I am guilty of that as well.

In the interest of getting everyone back on track, I'd like to say a few things.

It's time to bury that. We are all here to heal and help each other, not tear people down or make them feel uncomfortable or attacked. We are all people with much to share and things to work through. Please, let's try to forget what happened, but let's learn from it as well.

There is so much good that has been done here. Why should we act so to each other? We have helped each other, and we can do it again.

I've learned some ugly truths about myself, and I've made apologies. I've also promised myself that next time, I will choose my words more carefully. Thoughts and feelings are valid, but there are ways of expressing them that are not careless or hurtful.

To all of you, publically, I'm sorry for what I've done. I want to go beck to what I started doing here, helping and healing. I want us to go back to that. I want brothers and sisters who have been hurt and no longer feel safe to come back and be safe.

We can be better. We will be better, Leosha, Theo, LadyTheo, Emiwe (sp? Sorry!), Lynn, Andrew, everyone. Come back. We need you and we want you here.

Don't forgive if you don't want to. We understand that. But don't turn away people either because you disagree with them. Others may not agree with you. Does that make your or their ideas less valid?

I love you all. I want you here. I've learned so much and I want to continue with everyone.

Let's all lay down our hostility and become a team, a family, a unit again.

Peace and love to you all.


There are reasons I'm taking medication. They're called "other people." - Me, displaying my anti-social tendancies

#57296 - 01/07/04 07:33 PM Re: Peace and reconciliation (also on Male Survivors and Off Topic)
theo Offline

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
my friend, i never wanted to leave. i too have learned some things about myself that i do not like and have regretted some words i wrote, hence, the editing i did. the reason i left and still feel uncomfortable was the hostility that was so easily generated here. it was not just the boundaries thread that influenced my decision it was also things from the immediate past. i do understand that as survivors, no matter the gender, things are said in anger that are not menat. to my eternal regret, i have said things that were very hurtful to lady theo in the last two years, but somehow she remains at my side still loving me. i don't know how i deserve that love, but i rejoice in it and strive to one day be worthy of it in ways i can accept. i know hurtful and spiteful things are said in the midst of pain, but that was not the reason i recoiled from the hostility here. hostility is sourced in malice, intentional behavior to hurt another human being...the same kind of malice i personally grew up with. i saw some of that here in the last few weeks and i could not tolerate it. others have been hurt by this and i know others still can be hurt by the abscence of those of us who felt the need to leave. i know this, and i regret it with all my heart, but i have to watch out for my own peace of mind. i came here and stayed because i was able to see that not all "families" were like the one i was forced to grow up with. i saw genuine mothers here who seemed to imbody the virtues of the Virgin herself (something i do not say lightly). i have seen brothers here who i am honored to call as such, again, something i don't do lightly. i saw significant others here going out of their way to learn and apply what would be considered safe for their survivor partner, often at expense to themselves in the short term. it was this family that i saw destroying itself over something so insignificant as the tantrums of a child. i could not witness this anymore, i could not respond to the same thing i saw destroy my own blood.

i am not at all offended by your post, scott. i just wanted to state that clearly. your call for peace and healing gives me hope that it will happen. the move to bar the souce of the worst infringement has also helped, for it shows that things will be done to make the place safe again for those who seek its refuge. but the pain, scott, of seeing so many hurting because of one or two people who could not understand the real reason for this site and the quickness in more of forgetting why we come here in the first place was just too much for me to bear. i don't consider myself weak, and did not feel this was implied in any post here on the site, but i have to take care of myself before i can rise above the tantrums of isolated people. i did not have the strength to intervene when i saw this all hitting the fan a few weeeks ago. i tried, but it was not enough. now, i can only hope that this lesson is learned and internalized by all who call this site a refuge. we can never forget what drove us here in the first place, my friend, the hope for the integrity and compassion of the single human being in the midst of others. take care.

journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

#57297 - 01/07/04 07:59 PM Re: Peace and reconciliation (also on Male Survivors and Off Topic)
Andrew Offline
Moderator Emeritus

Registered: 07/25/03
Posts: 1192
Scot, I embrace your sentiments and also hope we can all move on.

Theo, I understand your concerns and apologize for the part I played in you getting 'caught' in the crossfire. Unfortunately, and this has borne true in the past, the issue of ladies participating in different forums and chat at MS is a very difficult one, especially for the male partners who have a wife or significant female participating in the forums and chat. Too often, and I am frequently found guilty of this, I (we) am quick to generalize and just blast away indiscriminately in anger, fear or frustration; particularly in protection of people or persons I care about and feel can't fight back effectively.

Fortunately, and I believe this strongly, we have a very good core of guys here who are focussed on healing and cooperatively working together. We are also blessed with a wise, albeit weary, group of moderators who make enough good decisions, and point us in generally the right direction.

We are lucky to have a really good cross section of people here at MS. Both ladies and gentlemen. This diversity is, I believe, our strength.

Peace, Andrew

there is no courage without anxiety

#57298 - 01/08/04 03:43 AM Re: Peace and reconciliation (also on Male Survivors and Off Topic)
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
It seems that we go through a crisis or meltdown every six months or so. (Those who remember the clergy crisis with Victor/Wuamei about that time.)

People come and go, some make a positive impact and others seem bent on causing some mischief or are working through their own problems which somehow cause a bit of chaos.

I believe it is important to recognize the needs and sensitivities of each person on this discussion forum. However, we should not let the needs of one individual dictate the whole place. The example that comes to mind is the "women posting here" complaint. I believe that women do have valid and positive contributions to the healing of male survivors here. However, we've agreed that they should post in the family and friends section (and maybe a couple of others) but not in the male survivors area. It would have been wrong to ban women from posting altogether because one or a few individuals were uncomfortable to have them anywhere on the site.

We are an organization dedicated to the healing of male survivors. Others who are part of that goal are welcome here. Those who are bent on mischief or have an ax to grind should go elsewhere.

Theo, your postings have been insightful and helpful to others and I am glad you returned to read and comment on what seemed to drive you away. I hope you and Lady Theo will continue to contribute to this site.

We need to help each other by being here and not reacting to the occasional hurtful or insensitive post. There are a lot of damaged people out there and while we cannot allow an individual or small group to move us from our mission, we can be tolerant of those who are struggling.

We've apparently weathered another storm.


Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#57299 - 01/08/04 11:14 PM Re: Peace and reconciliation (also on Male Survivors and Off Topic)
LadyTheo Offline

Registered: 12/11/03
Posts: 32
Loc: ky
Hi all,
I just wanted to post an update letting you all know that I have decided not to leave the forum. My original decision to leave was based on the hostility that was going on at that time as well as the fact that Theo had decided to leave. I sort of felt that if he wasn't going to stay, that I really had no place here. I now see that differently. I can still support him, and the other members here, regardless of whether Theo stays or not. So, if you all don't mind, I'd like to stick around \:\)
Take Care All,
LadyTheo :rolleyes:

In order to see the rainbow, you have to endure the storms.

#57300 - 01/09/04 02:09 AM Re: Peace and reconciliation (also on Male Survivors and Off Topic)
Mike Church Offline
Moderator Emeritus
Registered: 01/23/03
Posts: 3439
Loc: Toronto, Canada
Fine by me Lady Theo. ;\)



#57301 - 01/12/04 12:13 AM Re: Peace and reconciliation (also on Male Survivors and Off Topic)
Caetel Offline

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
I am happy to see that love and support are back on tracks. I salute crisis' courage for saying sorry. ;\)
I would really want Theo back on the forum here ! Theo I MISS you !!! \:D
It is true that partners here ask a lot of questions and raise good points that make you guys may be look into dark areas of yourselves that would have escaped your attention otherwise.
Partners' feelings need validation too because without a space where to stop and rest for a while they would not be able to support the guys they love.
In my experience, my own healing and personal growth has always made V. progress too. The reverse is also true. We are a two survivors couple but I believe it is the same for a couple with a male survivor and a "normal" partner. Changes are on both sides, humilty HAS to be on both sides.
Glad to be back \:D
Caetel, the only French on the site (by the way you have not turned nasty to me because I am French and G.Bush doesn't like the French ! lol ! dwl= dying with laughter !!!) \:D

Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

#57302 - 01/12/04 12:29 AM Re: Peace and reconciliation (also on Male Survivors and Off Topic)
kolisha54 Offline

Registered: 12/02/03
Posts: 475
Loc: Brooklyn, NY
"...Partners' feelings need validation too because without a space where to stop and rest for a while they would not be able to support the guys they love..."


If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? If not now... when? --Hillel


Moderator:  ModTeam, peroperic2009 

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