Originally posted by April:
Lloyd, perhaps if men attached some emotion to their discussion (as women do), they would be better equipped to deal with this terrible childhood trauma? Just a thought.
Thansk again for your views.
I may be going out on a limb here responding too when Lloydy was asked (I hate when people do that so why am I doing this...) I guess one thing we as women have to keep in mind that it is scary even at the best of times for guys to "attach emotion" to a lot of things. One thing I learned in my partners group is that we are all very much "cultured" in our own genders. The SA group that both my partner and I are getting therapy though calls this the "cults" - the "cult of masculinity" and the "cult of femininity" - what this means is the fact that there are certain "rules" for men and for women, which are very different that we are taught about how to go through life, what is our expected role, appropriate behaviour for men vs. women, etc.
And the "cult of masculinity" teaches guys they are not to talk about feelings, to do so leaves them weak and vulnerable, they are to be strong, uncaring, rock solid, etc.. I just think that this leaves guys at a major disadvantage when horrible things happen to them like SA, or if someone dies, or they lose their jobs, etc.. I think that it is so much harder for guys to process it. They NEED to talk about their feelings to process this shit, but they are scared to do so.
I asked about the same thing once as my issue with my partner is all about anger/rage and him freaking out on me and I was totally confused as how he could say he loved me one day and the next he'd be ragging out on me all over the place.. and also how he could have sex with so many women before me and how could he just "turn around" and love me now.. I mean I intellectually understood the trauma but knowing his past still hurt and scared me a lot... and that I was confused as to why he couldnt just think of how I would feel when he did this and that...
..and one guy on here wrote me an email that said simply, he'd rather "stand in front of a charging bull or sit in a raging fire than talk about his emotions" about anything, let alone really painful ones that have to do with how much his SA hurt him!!
For most women (there are exceptions) we just go huh?? Talking about our feelings? About anything - PMS, Self esteem, Body Image, Health, ex boyfriends, that annoying fat roll below the belly button, being dumped, hell even gory stuff like childbirth, bikini waxes, its all open season.... not scary at all, doesnt make us feel vulnerable.. but dont forget we have a different reality of life and also a lot of practice talking about our feelings about a LOT of stuff (all those group trips to the bathroom with my girl friends in high school to talk about boys, teachers and our parents was my training ground)!!
(just FYI there ARE advantages to the cult of masculinity and there are drawbacks to the cult of femininity though but I wont go into them here!!)