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#57131 - 01/02/04 08:18 PM Re: Silence and tears...
wifenneed Offline

Registered: 12/20/02
Posts: 96
Loc: Michigan
You are amazing. Thanks for your comments as well. I think he does beat himself up...over everything. When I read about what some survivors went through and still do, and then think of my husband going through some, many or perhaps all of what I read, it puts things in perspective. I have told him that all I can do is imagine what happened and try to be there for him if he would only let it be. He has only told me his age (3 years of abuse, age 7-10) and how many times (28), but not what happened, where, all of that.

All I can do is wait and hope that one day he'll not have to retreat, that he can stay wtih me emotionally and physically and just talk and let it be. Sounds like an old Beatles tune, sorry. And he'll see I won't go running and screaming and think he's horrid.

He's come out his funk for now, though. No aplogies to me, just right back to being sweet as he usually is. And I feel I am left to go on as though nothing has happened.

I wish I knew what the key is to the let those old ghosts out. I won't run and hide or be frightened of him. I won't think any less of him. I love him..........

Now I'm getting weepy so I'll sign off for now...

#57132 - 01/03/04 02:52 AM Re: Silence and tears...
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Joe's example is a really good one. I'd bet that just about every survivor's partner on this site, male or female, knows the "I didn't do that to you" feeling. But I don't think that all of our partners are in a place where they can hear that. "I didn't do that to you" means, I don't want to be blamed for someone else's crimes. I want you to see that I am not LIKE the people who did this to you, and that no matter what they've done, I'm not going to do any of that.
If you had that tatooed on your foreheads we'd still get it wrong sometimes !
Yes, I guess a lot of us are guilty of blaming everyone for all our problems.

Some, many, are actually our own problems that we have to find a way of admitting to. Then we have to seperate the abuse problems.

It's the easy way out - blame everyone.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#57133 - 01/05/04 07:38 PM Re: Silence and tears...
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada

It's the easy way out - blame everyone.

I thought the song went "Blame Canada"??? \:\)
Hee.. I can say that..

OK back to the serious part of the post...

I guess the one thing that my partner pointed out on the whole "blame" thing was that once he started to NOT see himself as a victim and that he was actually an adult and had power over his choices/actions today he stopped a lot of the blaming and the anger.. that he had more to do now as an adult than sit there and rail against an unfair authority figure... not to say everything's perfect and fixed, but things are getting better in this regard!!!

The only advice I can get is to "ride it out".. your partner will unfortunately go into this routine from time to time.. as mine does... (but he's been in a whole pile of intensive therapy lately and he stays in these phases shorter and shorter times, and they are less and less frequent) Just DO NOT take it personally.. it is NOT anything you have done. He's there NOT because he wants to hurt you but that he's off in his own world of pain for the moment.. and that you do have the right to tell him how this affects you.. and that it hurts you and confuses you - just be careful how and when you tell him this.

As partners we do have to be strong.. to ride out these phases.... we dont need to have our partners validate us all the time.. there will be times in the relationship, particularly when they are in a fragile stage when we just cannot expect our partners to fully "be there".. we need to keep a support network outside the relationship.. all of those things are critical to the partner of a survivor-in-recovery. Also we have to be rational about all of this and in ANY relationship, abuse survivors or not, there will be times when your partner will act less than ideal and supportive. It's all part of being human!!


#57134 - 01/06/04 07:53 PM Re: Silence and tears...
wifenneed Offline

Registered: 12/20/02
Posts: 96
Loc: Michigan
Yes, PAS, thank you for your reply. These episodes of withdrawal do happen less and less, and the duration is lessening as well. We did discuss how if I did express my feelings of unfairness or anger at how he is treating me, that it would be best to wait until after he is past the protection of his silence, so to speak. We talked about if I were to try to do this while he is in this withdrawal (or protection) state, that it would probably only make things worse. So yes I ride it out, at times not so patiently, but most of the time patiently. He is human and so am I. We had a great discussion about this after the fact. I simply said that his actions and responses are so illogical, especially for someone as typically logical as he is. And his reply was "yes, it is illogical, and so was my upbringing." I cannot tell anyone how important it was to me as a spouse to actually hear this from him, but it helps tremendously to understand why something minor, something totally out of context can strike this severe reaction from him. As he said it is his protection against any hurt, of any kind.

There is an old Billy Joel song titled "And So It Goes" from the album Stormfront, and in it is the phrase "My silence is my self defense". I remembered this song from many years past and printed out the lyrics and gave them to him. Here they are. They seemed to have summed up how he feels at times, and me too. Thank you everyone for all of your comments as well-

Happiness to all-

And So It Goes
Storm Front Released: 1989

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

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