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#56985 - 07/19/05 11:09 PM new here and have some questions
CET Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/19/05
Posts: 1
Loc: texas
This is my first post and I'm seeking some answers. Hopefully, someone here can help me out. Here's my story in a nutshell. About a year ago I began seeing a man that I now believe may have been sexually abused as a child. From the onset he seemed uncomfortable with hugging and kissing and at times would either demonstate verbally or physically for me to back off if things got too close. When we finally became intimate it was one of the strangest experiences of my life. The first time we had sex he did not want to see my face and would not look at me. He still has difficulty looking me in the eyes when we are together in that way. Most of the time sex with him feels like a business transaction. I think that is the best way I can describe it. I know he has issues with getting too close to a woman.

He has also had some performance issues. On occasion he has difficulty getting an erection, but the main problem is maintaining one. Needless, to say this has caused considerable frustration for me. I have talked to him about this and he knows it's a problem.

He is very sexual in his talk, but I have found him to be mostly talk and no action. I also know he looks at pornographic magazines and occasionally videos, but it is not an every day thing.

He's told me quite a bit about his childhood, but has not mentioned any sexual abuse of himself or siblings. He did tell me that his mother had been raped by her older brother when she was 18, and that her Mother did not believe her when she told the family. There is also rampant drug and alcohol problems in the family history.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. I have never experienced anything like this with a man and I'm at a loss. I'm a off base in thinking that there is sex abuse in his background? If anyone has any insight or suggestions I would appreciate all the help I can get.



#56987 - 07/20/05 03:01 AM Re: new here and have some questions
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
Sometimes when partners post heartbreaking posts like yours it's easy to rush in with old "if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, quacks like a duck - then it's a duck" theory and say "yes, it's CSA"

I recognise the behaviours you mention, I have them as well as a result of my abuse. But I also know that other traumas can produce the same type of behaviours.
I have a friend who works with Ex Servicemen here in the UK with PTSD, who has told me my symptoms are just the same as soldiers who have served in war zones.

Quite possibly other traumas can be ruled out?
That leaves CSA, which you are obviously keen to help him come to terms with, and that's no problem.
But disclosure and the following healing is something that 'we' need to do on our own.

Abuse was something imposed upon us, and it affects our lives very negatively. And one of the negatives we seem to suffer from most is the question of other people imposing their wishes upon us.
I had to walk through the therapists door because I wanted to do it, not because my wife wanted me to do it.

Has it made those unwanted behaviours go away? mostly yes, I still have some problems but my life is so much better than it was a few years ago. Much of that is down to the support and love of my wife.

That sounds very negative for you I know, it leaves you wondering what the hell you can do.
Well, we do like support, we want to be trusted and believed if / when we disclose.
If you show him that you can do that then you'll have done something wonderful.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#56988 - 07/20/05 03:50 AM Re: new here and have some questions
Wifey1 Offline

Registered: 12/03/02
Posts: 380
Welcome CET,
I just want to echo Lloydy's post. What stuck out for me in your post is that he shared the Rape of his mother by an older brother.

Even if your partner himself has not experienced SA, it does not mean that he has not been effected / affected by the knowledge of his mothers rape. It could be in HOW he found out this knowledge to a whole list of things that can cause PTSD.

Either way your partner can ONLY share WHEN and IF he is ready. If by chance he is a survivor of SA himself it is a very long deep held secret. Very hard for any survivor to disclose.

I encourage you to read the articles here on this site. Keep YOURSELF taken care of.

His sexual performance may come from physical problems he may or may not be having difficulty in discussing with a physician. His in ability to hold an erection could be caused by a physical problem not just an emotional one. For example sometimes diabetes unchecked or uncontrolled could cause this. ONLY an example.

Perhaps approaching him with having a Dr check him out for his physical health may be a good lead in for further discussion.

I also encourage you if you are going or in for a long term relationship with your current partner to find a therapist for yourself.

Take good care of YOU, so you can be best prepared to be able to help your partner no matter the "source" of his problem.

Please feel free to post often and ask questions, we're here to support!! ANd even if it is just a good "venting"!

Peace, Sammy

#56989 - 07/21/05 02:53 AM Re: new here and have some questions
Lucretia1127 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/18/05
Posts: 3
Hello, I decided to delete this post. I feel very strange about having posted it, and while it may have enabled me to finally say some things, I feel it's not appropriate, and not safe for those who come here. I am in therapy and I have talked about some things, but the biggest problem is never really being able to talk to anybody about things such as this, and so they remain and eat away at us, like a sore. I am working on myself, and I am committed to doing that. I still thank you all for helping me so much.

Peace and love always,

#56990 - 07/22/05 04:41 AM Re: new here and have some questions
Lucretia1127 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 06/18/05
Posts: 3
Sorry I made a mistake trying to edit.


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