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#56978 - 12/28/03 03:33 PM The worse was yet to come
Caetel Offline

Registered: 11/05/03
Posts: 322
Loc: Paris, France
I have not been here for a while, sorry Lloydy !
V. has in two days destroyed everything we had been working on, especially trust and empowerment.
I called him on Christmas Day to say I was dropping a present for him at his place. He said he was not at home but at his parents'. I was afraid he would do that and apparently his mother tried something on him on that night so he came back on the 25th in the evening instead of the 27th. He called me back. He was harsh, suspicious and asking stuff like what I wanted in return for the present I was giving him. He said he did not want to have to give me anything in return,like being forced in a relationship (????) and it was best to refuse my gift to him. He had a strange way of talking, nothing was clear , nor coherent but he definately wanted to hurt me.
When I asked him whether he meant he was afraid of a relationship with me or he did not have feelings for me, there was a big hesitation "heuh..........."then a blank then "I don not have feelings for you". I was devastated.
We were suppose to see each other yesterday evening (for a party with members) so I told him maybe it was best for me not to come. He was silent at first and then said that maybe that was best. In the end, I went yesterday because two friends insisted that I would come. V was shocked to see me there (and to see me looking very pretty too !). He managed to sit in front of me a bit on the side and I ended up faing the two girls who are jealous of me. it turned out that V. is having an affair with one of the two, L. who is a survivor with 3 kids and going through a divorce right now. That girl is really immature,and the worst is that she behaves like his mother, being controlling and manipulative with him. The affair started about 3 weeks ago and L. was making sure the whole evening to show that she had power over him in front of me. V. was either trying to avoid me and sometimes listening to what I was saying. We did not talk to each other. Three hours later, it was becoming too unbearable to me, I left silently and he was at the other side of the restaurant room, on the computer with L. I gave him the bag with his present inside and a card telling him to do whatever he wanted with it(I wrote him on the card that since the relationship was over, he could accept the gift without being afraid of being manipulated. I also told him how much he hurt me and reminded him that I suffered too much in my life to want to hurt someone).
I am devastated, I have been crying a lot. Everything I was trying to do with V: helping him to be confident, to make choices that are good for him, leaving dysfunctionnal behaviour.Everything has been shattered. I can't even believe he did that on Christmas Day.
I just don't know anything , all I can do is keep crying.
Thanks for helping.

Mitakuye oyasin ! We are all related !

#56979 - 12/28/03 07:44 PM Re: The worse was yet to come
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA

I hope you go back and read the "angry chick" portions of the last thread where some of us were asking real questions about why hurt people put themselves in "non-relationships."

Everything I was trying to do with V: helping him to be confident, to make choices that are good for him, leaving dysfunctionnal behaviour.
How much of that have you been doing for yourself? Are you more confident after you speak with V.? Do you feel as though you've made choices that are good for yourself? Is it "functional" for you to be more concerned with how this other relationship may affect V. than you are with how you've been affected by V. and his behavior? Do you feel trusted? Do you feel empowered? Because you deserve to.

The sad fact is, our love is not all that it takes to change the way someone else feels about himself or herself. Our love is wonderful but no substitute for a person's genuine will to change and grow. Love yourself, Caetel. Give yourself the gift of the great and boundless love you give to others. Please.

Okay back to my WASHING :p :p :p


#56980 - 12/29/03 01:59 AM Re: The worse was yet to come
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
It's easy to transfer our wishes and desires onto others, and 'believe' that they want what we want.
And sometimes it goes wrong, especially when wounded people are involved.

But you have your confidence, ok it's taken a knock, but you've experienced it, try to move on past the knock and use that confidence again.

Everything I was trying to do with V: helping him to be confident, to make choices that are good for him, leaving dysfunctionnal behaviour.Everything has been shattered.
I hope your "trying" wasn't "trying to do it for V" - we love support and friendship, but try driving us along and we're likely to slam the brakes on.

V knows how you feel, and he knows that you care. And that's a great start.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#56981 - 12/29/03 02:58 AM Re: The worse was yet to come
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
You sound like a really nice person that any man would be grateful to have as a girlfriend. I can't speak for why V said and did what he did. He may be in a temporary self-destructive cycle that unfortunately wound up hurting you. He may be a selfish person who doesn't care what others think or feel. I don't know.

However, the postings you have made here show me that you are sensitive and caring. You deserve a good companion and hopefully will not be harsh on yourself for what V's problems are. If you are not getting any recognition from him and he is seeing other people regardless of the hurt it causes you, I hope you can make a decision about him that will be FOR YOU. You deserve it.


Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#56982 - 12/29/03 12:51 PM Re: The worse was yet to come
Freedom Offline

Registered: 09/21/02
Posts: 164
Loc: US

Ken makes sense. I suppose at this point it is hard to tell what V. motives are, but if his actions are hurting you, it is time to take care of YOU. Take your time and PLEASE focus on your feelings.

Hang in there gently. The hurt usually finds its own peace and resolution given time.

Happy New Year. There is still beautiful life outside of all this!

You did well for trying to be there and understand, but the survivor world can be a complicated one and the hardest part, I think, is not to get get lost in it as well.


Life is moving on. AM I?

#56983 - 12/29/03 03:01 PM Re: The worse was yet to come
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

Ken is correct. Please do what is best for you. If/when V. is able to accept you as yourself and join you in a relationship, that is something he must grow into it in his own time.

Two friends insisted you go to the party. Why not spend more time with them and others like them for a while? People who want to be with you so much that they insist (gently, I hope) sound like more pleasant company that V is right now. You do deserve to spend time with pleasant people.

Happy New Year!


"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#56984 - 01/05/04 08:29 PM Re: The worse was yet to come
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Ugh. This sounds like an awful situation. Hugs to you.

One thing that I learned in my "real life" partners group is that unfortunately many of us who get into relationships with survivors very much have a "rescuer" role that we play out very well with our survivor partners. Being a rescuer fits nicely into our own view of the world.

Unfortunately, that can sometimes lead us to being hurt. While ideally noble, it is not a healthy relationship to be in with someone where we are a caretaker and they are a victim (and sometimes persecutor!!)

While helping/caretaking is noble, there is a risk. There is only so far that you should let yourself be pushed out of a healthy relationship in order to be the rescuer/caretaker. At best, we wind up being burned out. At worst, we can wind up being abused or betrayed, and then justifying it on account of that person's abuse history. While we can all trace back the horrible things that happened to V, it does not make what he did O.K. Not at all.

What V has done is definitely something that is beyond the bounds of acceptable in my opinion - it is not possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who is doing this type of stuff.

While it is all well and good to understand why it is happening, it is still wrong and not a healthy situation to be in.

Because of your past abuse history you may be tempted to "bond to someone because of pain" but that is NOT a good foundation on which to base a relationship. It is good to have someone that understands where you are coming from, but you still have to be with someone who is able to form a mature, respectful, adult, healthy (mostly) relationswhip. This precludes being with a survivor who is in active acting-out or abusive mode.

Please see that this is really damaging to you and your own issues. It is very noble that you wanted to help your partner but he is obviously not even helping himself. And you cannot do anything to help someone who does not want to be helped.

And we are all even more helpless to save someone from themselves.


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