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#56746 - 01/19/04 01:17 AM Re: Question.
Pollyanna Offline

Registered: 10/10/03
Posts: 211
Loc: Missouri
Hey SAR...

No, it's not that "hating" has made me a better person. It got my attention, which has made me a better person.

Believe me, I "feel" things. Oh BOY do I feel things...if you only knew. When I love someone, they become "part" of me. When people hurt them, I guess I kinda react like a "guard dog" or something! (I haven't bitten anyone yet, though lately I've been tempted!!) I hate it, and it infuriates me to no end. When it's something as horrendous as this kind of stuff, I think it well deserves all the hate that can be thrown at it.

I just realize that something MORE has to be done than what is being done. Not only to stop this crap, but to make sure people know how serious the repurcussions are for the victims for the rest of their lives.

This site is doing a really great thing in helping and educating people. If it takes a little "hate" to motivate someone into being a "doer", then I guess it's well placed. I'm not violent or anything, it's just that I 'get it', and I'm about as 'anti abuse' as you can get.

I know I'm just one person, but that's one more 'aware' person than there was 4 or 5 months ago when I started "lurking" here.

I appreciate all of you and what you have given me.



"Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up."

Anne Lamott

#56747 - 01/19/04 10:31 PM Re: Question.
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada

I don't hate my boyfriend's abusers. What's the point? I feel sorry for them, they're pathetic. What kind of sick pervert molests a little boy? What kind of trauma had to have happened to him to make him think the way he did? To my knowledge, pedophiles aren't born, they're pretty much "made".

It's sad, perverted, pathetic behavior but hating them for it would accomplish nothing.

I'm sure they're going to rot in hell, but I can't hate them for what they did. They made their own beds and what goes around, comes around, if it hasn't already. Does that make sense?
I have been thinking this same type of stuff very recently.. perps must be pretty much in a whole lotta pain to do what they do... better to be thrown into the sea with a great millstone about one's neck.. yadda yadda...

#56748 - 01/20/04 02:54 PM Re: Question.
wifenneed Offline

Registered: 12/20/02
Posts: 96
Loc: Michigan
I wish I could feel sorrow for my husband's perp, but I don't. Bad things must have happened to the perp, so why can't I feel bad for him? Because he perpetuated the hurt, and it continues on for my dear husband. Perhaps I should feel sad for them, but I can't, not in this lifetime. Bad things happen to people all the time. It's not a reason to hurt others, it may explain it, but it doesn't excuse it, or make me feel sorry for them. I am angry at them, angry as hell.

My husband is able to tell me about the times well over a decade ago that he was going to harm his perp. Right down to the weapon and the ammo, siting it in, how he praticed, everything. But he never did it. The reason? Because the perp had a son of his own. I only wonder what kind of a relationship this man has with his son. I hope it is a good one. This news I only learned from him this past weekend, and it striked a chord of anger within me that I have to stifle, because I really wish I knew this man's name, where he lives now, to see if he has any charges against him for anything, ever. I am so mad right now I'd better stop.

Constructive anger, that's what I have. I don't want to harm this bastard, but I want justice done and I don't think it ever will be (what he did to my husband occurred 1971-1974), but if I ever had a chance to investigate this man, or watch his moves now, and I found he was continuing abuse, I think I'd go haywire with rage.

Angry wife signing off now. My apologies for the vent!

#56749 - 01/20/04 05:26 PM Re: Question.
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA
I am really glad this thread is alive again. And to express my gratitude I am going to try not to make this long and rambly. But I have been thinking about it a lot.

Do I hate the bigger boys and very young men who abused my boyfriend? Maybe I do and maybe I don't. I'm pretty sure that someone older "taught" them what to do, I know they lived traumatic lives. I know that some of them are trying to move on and be better men than they were boys. I have contempt for them, they were old enough to know better, there's no way to excuse what they did, but I think there is a way for me to understand it without stripping them of their humanity. I don't have to ask, "what kind of a young man, etc." I know what kind of a young man does those things, and all the words I have to describe him do evoke pity and sadness in me. Still, the first thing that comes to my face when you say his name looks a lot like rage.

NOT SO in all cases. At some point in our lives--usually an earlier point than we'd like to admit to--we start making our own choices. And in my opinion, as soon as you make a choice that makes you responsible for another person, your access to lots of other choices is denied. I do not feel sorry or sad for people who bring children into the world without committing themselves to the well being of those children. I hate them and I hope I never stop hating them. I understand that even sick people get pregnant, that parents are people too, etc. But you know what? We live in a world of resources. And there are some of us who survive terrible childhoods and still manage not to be monstrous parents. So there must be some element of choice in allowing such a cycle to continue. I am a great mom. I was a great mom when I was 16. And I had no frame of reference, no one to fall back on, when it came to mothering. The only "mother" experience I had ever had was one that I did not wish to repeat. So, I didn't. I refuse to believe that I am so extraordinary and great that no one else who had grown up in a house like mine could have done what I did to ensure the well-being of their children. And yet I still had social workers asking me leading questions IN THE MATERNITY WARD, with my newborn right next to me, ignoring my boyfriend (brushing him off as a future deadbeat dad no doubt), nurses telling me to attend the same stupid parenting class over and over again, the day-after visiting nurse calling the house twice after she'd left to make sure I hadn't given up trying to feed the baby. Did the 30 year old new mother in the bed next to me get this kind of treatment? Did anyone ask her what she would do when her husband left her? Did her husband get ignored and shunned when the nurse came to their home the next day? I don't think so. I wish I had been as brave and loud then as I am now, so that I could have asked them WHERE THEY HAD ALL BEEN DURING MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD.

Which brings me to my other point--it takes a lot of people to let a child down. I do not feel sorry or sad for the professionals--teachers, preachers, counselors, etc. whose job it is to care for and protect children, who don't care for or protect them. And I mean the abusive ones but I also mean the ones who let it happen. I hate the priest who didn't abuse my boyfriend, but didn't help him either. I hate the therapist who didn't abuse my boyfriend but didn't help him either. I hate the teachers who didn't abuse my boyfriend but didn't protect him from the other children, who saw the way he came to school every day and never called home. In a way I can restore humanity to those traumatized boys way before I can restore it to these cowards and fakes.

I want to end with something a little more positive. I do believe in forgiveness. Not "I need to you let me make amends so I can get to my next step" forgiveness, not "I forgive you even though you're not sorry, so there" forgiveness. I believe that two people honestly expressing their regrets and trying to understand the other's pain, and trying to heal, not bury, that pain and regret, is among the most redeeming acts of humanity. I believe that this act can take away hate. But I also believe that it is far more rare and difficult than the confessions and apologies that we experience most of the time.

that's all ;\)

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