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#56721 - 07/04/05 08:08 AM need help
helpless in ottawa Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 07/04/05
Posts: 1
Loc: ottawa canada
Hi all
I am not sure if I should be doing this but I have a huge problem that I cannot deal with alone
I am a thirty year old woman and I am deeply in love with a man who was abused sexually as a boy.I have been with him for just a few short months and we are in love with each other soul mates. And he and I went away to a friends for the weekend and something happened and he came out and said he was abused by his uncle. I am mortified at the way he told me but at least I know now. I too was ubused by my father so I know where he is coming from. I just don't know how to help him, cause he doesn't want to talk about it. I know from my own experience that it can cause long term damage if these issues are not dealt with and I worry for him. If anyone out there has any ideas please let me know. I need to find a way to help him. He is 35 and he's told me he has never dealt with it. I am really scared for what this may have and may will happen to his self esteem and his life. I love him deerly and wish for his recovery and I didn't know where else to turn to, so I am here. Thanks everyone from mandy

regean brisbois

#56722 - 07/04/05 07:45 PM Re: need help
Ken Singer, LCSW Offline

Registered: 08/24/00
Posts: 5781
Loc: Lyons, CO USA
You can get some help from The Men's Project in Ottawa. Rick Goodwin is the director and they are an excellent resource for male survivors. You can contact Rick at
He might be on holiday (as he calls it) this week or you could just call (don't know the number but I'm sure you can google it.)

Good luck.
Ken Singer

Blissfully retired after 35 years treating sexual abuse

#56723 - 07/05/05 02:05 AM Re: need help
Lloydy Offline
Administrator Emeritus
Registered: 04/17/02
Posts: 7071
Loc: England Shropshire
he's just done the hardest thing he's ever done in his life - disclose his abuse. And if he disclosed to you, think about the level of trust he showed in you.

It took me 25 years to disclose to my wife, and for about 6 to 8 months after that I barely mentioned it.
Then I started therapy, and I haven't shut up since!

I think I just needed some time to gather my thoughts after the monumental decision to say "er er um, I as sexually abused as a kid"
Not many words, but a wealth of emotions.


Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.
Henry David Thoreau

#56724 - 07/07/05 01:26 AM Re: need help
SAR Offline
Administrator Emeritus

Registered: 12/07/03
Posts: 3310
Loc: USA

Welcome to MS.

He may not want to talk about it now because just breaking the silence takes a lot of effort.

Sexual abuse survivors keep the secret for so long because they believe that terrible consequences will come of telling. I think a lot of folks "duck and cover" a bit after disclosure-- they need some time to absorb that the reality of life after disclosure is not the apocalypse they were expecting.

He may just want some reassurance that things will stay the same, for now-- by letting him know that you will believe and support him in any decisions he makes about his own healing, you'll do more good than you know.


#56725 - 07/07/05 10:18 AM Re: need help
Grobut Offline

Registered: 06/07/05
Posts: 56
Loc: Denmark
Hmm, well its very much up to him right now, you cant help people who are not ready to be helped.

Put your money on love and support, as others have mentioned, he just took the first step, and its gonna take time, you might very well be the first person he's ever told.

You just cant go wrong with honesty, love and support.

I hope the best for you both.

"Bring back the Superman in me, Clark Kent is such a nerveous wreck" - Kashmir


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