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#56674 - 12/15/03 05:06 PM I need help
Ruby1 Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/15/03
Posts: 2
Loc: Ohio
I am a 30 year old women who was sexually abused by my father. I have been married for 2 months and my husband gets very frustrated with my lack of intamacy towards him. Does anyone have any advice as to what I can do to help him understand what is going on. Or any advice for me to help me overcome my problems in this area?

#56675 - 12/15/03 06:22 PM Re: I need help
theo Offline

Registered: 09/28/03
Posts: 1122
the main thing is to tell him if you can. i remember my previous marriage when there was extreme discomort for her during intimacy. we both made a mistake in not talking about it and i became more estranged with each year that passed. from the guy's perspective the only thing that seems to be expressed is that no intimacy is wanted. this is early in the marriage so things are especially sensitive. i don't know your husband so i can't say what he would be thinking with any degree of reliability. what i can do is to say that if your husband is a decent, mature man then all he needs is for you to share what the problem is if you can. otherwise the silence will make it progressively worse and any number of things can happen. most men love their wives dearly and want nothing more than to help them, if they know there is a problem that is not sourced with him. if he thinks it is something he did or did not do then it will only get worse. pm me if i can be of more help. i know this response is somewhat stilted, but i would love to help you understand him more and perhaps help in divulging this tragedy from your past. most men want to help, but we need to know how and that is where talking comes into play. take care.

journey well,
theo dewolfe

- It is gift, and gift will find its way
- I inherit through my choice. I build through my affirmation. It is through my freedom that I nurture, or fade into autonomy
- I was not given to serve life, but to embrace it

#56676 - 12/16/03 11:25 PM Re: I need help
PAS Offline

Registered: 06/12/02
Posts: 577
Loc: Canada
Ruby: while you can get support on this here, I do think that this issue is much bigger than you can get advice on through this website. The resolution of your current situation will likely take a lot more than what could possibly be offered here on line.

It is important to note, however that for women dealing with S.A. there are a lot of psychological support resources out there. The prevailing concept in society about sexual abuse is that it happens to women by men and as such, generally there is a significant amount of support and therapy resources for women survivors of sexual abuse.

One of the reasons this particular site exists and that so many men depend on this and have issues with finding adequate male-centred therapy/real-life-support is that many of the resources available to women are not as available to men. There are unique needs for male survivors that are not quite met by many of the "traditional" SA support systems and resources.

I bet if you look in your local phone book there is at least one resource that you could call asap for free or low cost therapy for sexual abuse survivors...

Good luck to you.. this is not an easy situation to be in.. we're all rooting for you.

#56677 - 12/17/03 09:57 AM Re: I need help
Leosha Offline

Registered: 06/18/03
Posts: 3614
Loc: Right here
I have never been in intimate relationship, and have only had single 'romantic' relationship at all in my life so far. So I am not one who can really give advice of all this. I can only suggest therapy, to you, and to maybe you both? I wish you luck.


Avatar photo in memory of my younger brother Makar.

"Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted."~~~Martin Luther King Jr., 1963

#56678 - 12/17/03 04:06 PM Re: I need help
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

There are a lot of resources out there for women survivors. One good resource for all survivors in the RAINN network .

You will eventually have to tell your husband something about what happened if you want to strengthen your relationship with him. You'll need to feel safe doing that, so maybe talking with a therapist first will help. The online listings of counseling centers , by state at RAINN helped me find someone who works with me now.

Good luck,


"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse


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