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#5605 - 09/17/02 06:59 AM Re: Need advice!!!!!!
RecoveringRyan Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 09/11/02
Posts: 28
Loc: new york state
I slightly disagree with SoCalJohn, although with great respect. Given our 2 opinions you can pick whichever one works for you.

But, for me, the most important thing is working through my emotional recovery from what happened to me and I care not quite so much about the loose ends left lying around. If you get desperate and need to neglect things, even seemingly very big things, in order to protect and care for yourself, it's fine. Just keep tending the wounds.

#5606 - 09/17/02 09:46 AM Re: Need advice!!!!!!
Muldoon Offline

Registered: 05/30/02
Posts: 1428
Loc: St Paul MN
Lion Cub Tonight it is a cry of sorry along with the cry of joy.I feel for all the shit you are going through but am glad you came here to tap the minds of these great men.

SoCalJohn is right when he says [/QUOTE] as for scared,, thats ok, it is the right feeling for what your looking at and dealing with, and its ok to be scared, just slow things down and ease up on the pressure your putting yoruself under, you dont have to do anything right now today, so ease up some.

Stand UP Lion Cub and make a positive move .
#1Go to the Princple and tell him you will no longer take the shit and you want him to deal with it now. Tell him harashment has no place in the school.
#2 Write a letter to the principle and all members of the school broard stateing your issues.
#3Call the Conmission at the Capital who are the bosses of the high schools and find out what you rights are. Can you file an officle complaint with them if the school board doesn,t act.
Lion Cub You could be out of there in less than 15 months, Jan 04, on a full ride at just about any college you want where no one will know you and you can begin a whole new life.
As for the cars keep them all but one. Pick one sell it and go buy a digital video camera .

Teach the Children to Never Hide in the Silence

#5607 - 09/18/02 04:30 AM Re: Need advice!!!!!!

I just wanted to say thank you for all the responses. I cant post much now. But I just wanted to say thank you for all of your care and concern and good advice. I know I have much to think about and have to make some hard decisions no matter how afraid I get. Thanks again. And I love all of you.

Love Kennedy(the non-lion hearted)

#5608 - 09/18/02 08:25 PM Re: Need advice!!!!!!
Lightfang Offline

Registered: 10/26/00
Posts: 102
Loc: Minnesota
I did not take the time to read all the replies to your post. maybe i should but i feel I have my own words to say.
Last night you asked me why I said you fill me with 'HOPE' and here is your answer:
You are young and full of life. You have a future ahead of you that is full and rich with life. You have come so far already in life. Much further than I ever did before age 30.

You are far more advanced in your healing process than many of us were at your age. You will make a very fine man.

So I say of course you should turn toward life. You deserve to turn towards life. Your future is right there looking for you. Turn towards it and grab on Kennedy.
I hope you feel Peace my young friend.

We will talk tonight I hope. Be Well, Stay Well.

((((((((((((((((((((Kennedy - The Lion Hearted)))))))))))))))

"Please love and protect all children, they are the future of us all!!"

#5609 - 09/18/02 10:46 PM Re: Need advice!!!!!!
angry Offline

Registered: 08/13/02
Posts: 23
Hi Kennedy,

When I was 11 and 12 my perpetrator made a bunch of films of me. When I was 17 he showed them to a whole bunch of people I went to high school with. Including the girl I loved. I couldn't remember the films at the time and people kept repeating back things I said on them when I was 12. He tricked me into saying I was 15 because I was big for my age. I couldnt figure out why friends and teachers were turning on me. They were putting me through almost exactly what you are going through only I had no idea why. I think the only reason nobody attacked my phyically was because I was big. One day I was standing there and a bunch of people were laughing at me. A girl walked up to me and just ripped the shirt off of my back while they all laughed. She said "why did you wear that shirt?" I realize now it looked exactly like the one I was wearing in one of the films. You are not the only one. I wished I remembered the abuse then 5-6 years after the abuse though and not 21-22 years later like I did.

I know a professional guy who works for Disney, who makes 200,000 a year who was accepted to Harvard who got his GED instead of graduating high school. I think I remember he said he had some kind of problems at home and he worked with abused kids. That was before I remembered my abuse though, so I didn't ask for details. I'll try to find his number and get it to you.

#5610 - 09/21/02 03:20 AM Re: Need advice!!!!!!
abcd Offline

Registered: 10/20/00
Posts: 189
Loc: GA
As someone fairly young as well, I just wanted to drop you a quick note before I head out. I was reading your post and I could sense your frustration, but at the same time, I do admire your perseverance. I also admire your interest in philosophy and the like. I personally am big on those books as well. One thing I wanted to say is something that meant so much to me when I was just about your age when I realized that God does exist, "If you have as much faith as a mustard seed, you can tell this mountain to move from here to there" (it's a paraphrase from a Biblical verse, but it's something that held me through the tough times a few years ago, and one that I still hold dear). I will tell you that you have done much so far. I never even told anyone about my abuse until just a year ago (I'm in my early 20's), and even then, it was just my girlfriend. To this day, less than a handful know and I am very much left to deal with this on my own. One thing I have realized is that you are never alone...not just because of places as this website, but I truly believe that Someone is up there watching us. I do not mean to preach by any means (trust me, I'm not a big preacher kinda guy), but I just wanted to assure you that as you will see from philosophical readings, the notion of God has always been in's something innate perhaps in all of us (it just takes different times for each of us to discover). I say this because as soon you realize that, I think you will see how you have already succeeded. See, you have "survived"...are a "male survivor" (as this webpage says), that in itself is significant. NO ONE's life is perfect. Ours especially not so. Still, we have endured, and so long as we continue to endure...we have indeed succeeded. Yes, you have ways to go, but relax a little bit and take pride in how much you've done thus far at least. Whatever you do, don't give up. This is something that you can even apply to your schooling. I don't mean to push you, but I'd definitely go for that high school degree...and maybe even some community college/college if you can. Anyway, it's up to you, but think about what you want in the end and go for it bud. You'll be've been through this much : )

Originally posted by LionCub:
Ok, I am not used to doing this, but I need some advice. I am 16 years old living in northern california. And this last year has been hell on ice in so many ways, my head feels like it is ready to split. I wont go into it all, but everything I had and knew a year ago is now reversed. My dad is in jail for molesting me for 16 years - from birth to the day after my 16th birthday. My mom is not supportive at all. In fact, I am the fag boy, demon seed that put him away for telling on accident. She basically tells me she should have had an abortion and that would have solved the problem. Anyways, I live in a small town (2500 people) and everyone here knows the situation. I lost all my friends, my girl friends, and everyone.

Well, now I am back in school and it is hell to say the least. I am in fights almost everyday because the others start in with me for being a "daddy fucker." If I am caught one more time fighting, I will be suspended and then next time will be expulsion. It sucks at school to say the least. I do well in some classes and goof off in others because they are too boring. I read a book a day on all sorts of topics. Right now, philosophy is on the top of my list. Just finished Kant and Hegel this weekend. Kierkegaard, Camus, and Tillich are my next three. I love studying, but I cant take school anymore. I could drop out and get my GED in November, but some people think that that is not a good move.

Some have recommended going to a half way house or a place for run aways or even other options. But this is my house. I basically pay the bills here now that Dad is away. But I cant be emancipated for a few reasons. Mom wont let me. My current state of employment is not one the judge would be proud of or sanction. And this fucking town is against me. But this is the only place I know as home I guess.

I have wanted so many times to just end it all and stop the suffering. And then something inside of me whispers to me to try harder. I have wanted to run from this mess. I have the resources to do so and survive for at least a year comfortably. But running means that I lose what little I have here. I dont know why I feel an attachment here. I mean it is not as if I feel comfort at the house. I feel more comfort at the bridge that I have contemplated driving off of! Maybe that is all it is. Just the knowledge that standing on your own grave gives a kind of comfort.

But anyways, I am not planning on doing that any time soon, so dont focus on that part. I am just looking at options on how to get out of my mess at school. I have had a few kids jump me at the same time, but I can take care of myself even though I am small. Black belts do come in handy sometimes! I have stopped most of the crap that happens until now. But is it even worth it? I mean they still taunt behind my back, write things in the bathroom or on the outside walls of the school for all to see, ignore me most of the time, do things to my stuff when I am not looking. It just isnt worth the aggravation anymore. But I want to succeed in life if I can. I am not sure about college. It means I would have to move away from here too.

Ok, so if you cant tell, I AM FUCKING SCARED! I know I can do alot of things, I am smart enough to do almost whatever I want. But I do have a few things worth sticking around for. I have a great therapist in Susanville a couple of hours away, my house, my privacy at the house when I am there alone (mom only comes back for a day or two a week, thank God), my cars (a sweet Karman Ghia, an old Duster, a spruced up Nova, and my Honda Ninja that I rarely use, only on the self loathing days).

I know I can mak lots of choices right now in regards to my life. But I am so afraid of the consequences of them. I do not want to lose my freedom that I have earned by fire and worked so hard to keep. I do not want to lose my house and comfort. I do not want to lose my life. I do not want to lose my sanity which is tenuous at best (I am DID [MPD] although fused fairly well right now). I dont want my health to deteriorate (I have Hep C and am taking pills and injections for the next 38 weeks). I dont want to sacrifice everything on a guess.

Ok, now you know I am 16. I know I act like a child with this stuff, but this isnt easy. So I am not sure which way I should turn. I just know that this has to end one way or another soon. There has to be more to life than this. Everyone on here keeps telling me that I dont know what love is yet, what my father gave me wasn't love. Well, now others are saying that I haven't lived yet either. Well, whatever I had with my dad and whatever I have done for the last 16 years on this hell hole has messed me up pretty bad. So if it seems like I can't see the obvious choice to make, please realize that my obvious choices in the past have been the wrong ones according to everyone else, BUT IT IS ALL I KNOW!!!! I try to learn the differences and how things ought to be. But they seem like fairy tales. Yes, I want to be loved. Yes, I want safety. Yes, I want security. Yes, I want NORMALCY. But all of these seem rather fleeting right now. They seem as coporeal as the mist or fog of San Francisco. You can feel it caressing your skin in the twilight hours, but the sun just scorches it away. Someday I hope that if this stuff is real, I will grab ahold of it and never let it escape from my clutches. But until then, I am just surviving the best way I know how and hoping and praying to God that it isn't an illusion. That I am not just a brain in a jar on some mad scientist's shelf with electrodes making me feel the things I am.

It is Ironic that I am saving Tillich as my last work in this bout of Philosophy. "The Courage to Be" sounds daunting to me. But, I do not know what outcome will surface in my journey. So please, I beg of you who care at all for this Lion Cub, just give me some advice that makes sense, some advice that wont make me hide in the tall savannah grasses, the kind that wont make me shrink away and do the foolish things I do when I act out.

I was with a couple last night. They made me feel like I was adult and a child at the same time. I wasn't sure if I was happy being in either camp really. But I guess that is the part of growing up that makes our transitions feel so awkward. I feel like one of you as adults and also like a little kid running in fear looking for my apron to cry into. But there is no apron anymore. My mother has made that very clear. All I have left is you.

Sorry for my tedious text. I will sign off. I hope one of you can answer me with some solace for my well is about dry. And the sun is smiting me something fierce. What, pray tell, is my logical choice? Do I turn toward life or death down this twisted, desolate, pothole pocked highway? Which way makes sense to you?

Kennedy (the non-lion hearted)

#5611 - 09/24/02 02:35 AM Re: Need advice!!!!!!

Ok, I wanted to thank everyone for your responses. I do value your opinions on this matter. You are the only "normal" people I know. You know what it is like to be through this. You know what the hurts are like, the irrational thoughts, the panic attacks, the anger, the sadness, the shame, the self-loathing, the always questioning of whether I did something to provoke this kind of response. I do value your brotherhood and friendship, especially because I dont say it enough and you still look out for me.

With that said, I am working out in my own head my course of action. I have some ideas of what I will do, but they are all dependent on several factors that I hope will work out in the next couple of weeks. I took my SATs early and I am awaiting my results. normally they don't have them this early around here, but there was a site that was giving it to kids that are expecting a baby. So I managed to sneak into the program with their permission once I told them what was going on in my life.

I think I did well on them, but you can never tell. So I just have to wait and see. The language section was pretty easy, and the math section wasn't too bad either. I am just looking into a couple of options I have and am hoping for a couple of miracles in the process too. But I know I have a few choices at my fingertips thanks to some of your suggestions.

I have thought about the possibility of turning in my mom for abuse, but it would only hurt her and me in the process. My school here is too small, like my town. And I will just forgive them for their small-mindedness and try to move on. I could do more and maybe make some changes here, but the effort is too great for me to handle right now. Maybe after I get my degrees and place established in a more normal community I can fight the battles so that other kids wont have to endure this hatred, grief, and suffering.

But for now, I am counting most of this forsaken county as a loss. As far as my home goes, this as you know is a hard decision for me to make. It is the only place I feel comfort and familiarity in my life. It has been a hell and a heaven at the same time. So I am still wrestling with this predicament. I have thought about just moving out and going to a city to start over. I may be young, but I am resourceful. Some of you mentioned the money issue. Trust me when I say I have enough for a year. I have enough to live off of, more than what some make in a year. And, I have the means to earn more, just not the most preferred ways of making a living.

I am trying to focus on new things that I can do with my new life so that I don't dwell on the fear that keeps me at bay. I am trying to focus on career options and education surrounding them. I would love to be a priest in the Roman Catholic Church. Yes I know they have a bad reputation right now, but I know of many good ones as role models. But me being a priest is laughable if you know my sinfulness and the problems I face today acting out. But remember those miracles I was talking about? I don't know if I will ever be normal, but then I have yet to meet anyone that is normal. We are so different in our beliefs and struggles, that I think in some circles I might even fit in, even with my brokeness. I am just going to trust that factperson is wrong here. Because one day I am praying that I will have the strength, courage, and ability to love someone the way that they should without all of the frustrations I have now about love.

I believe that love is supposed to be an openess to the other unconditionally, without sacrificing a sense of self. I believe that it is the most important facet of our lives because it can shape us and mold us in spite of ourselves and our shortcomings. I may be naive and not realistic here, but all that I know is that I have to try to love this way or fail to be human as I understand it.

I know this is another lengthy monologue, but I just have to bear my heart and soul before you and my maker and say that I have to do this. I have to try even though I may fail. Am I just another Sisyphus? Perhaps. But this stone is worth it, at least to me. I will quote my friend here on Nomsv, WoundedHealer, because his line means so much to me as I begin this journey of a million steps. He said, "when nothing else remains, love sustains." I am counting on it.

I do not know where my journey will take me, but it has started. I will wait for my results and then take the next steps I have to no matter how afraid I get. I may ask for your help and support as I face my fears and become more irrational. I may need that push and challenge to do the right thing. I do not have the answers even though I would like to think that I do. Maybe that is just the 16 year old in me. I would like to think I have lived a full life and have all this wisdom to appeal to, but I do not. What I have is the strength I can muster, reasonable amounts of courage, tenacity, and my heart, although beaten, tortured, and bruised, it still beats out as much love as it can possibly share.

Thank you again for all your help. You guys give me hope when I feel like there isn't any left in the world. You give me more courage to fight the self-doubt, the loathing, the acting out, the anger. You give me the tools I need to survive. I am not a victim anymore. I am just a lioncub on the velt looking for my little kingdom in this world. It doesn't have to be big, just enough for me and perhaps a soulmate that I hope to find one day, and then maybe a small family that I can really call my PRIDE and joy.

I had better sign off before you evict me for littering the pages of Nomsv with my thoughts. Thank you again for putting up with me.

Love, from the bottom of my heart,

LionCub (who still plays with his ball of yarn)

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