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#55909 - 07/30/01 07:14 PM It's just about to get me

i am writing while i wait to go see my therapist. i am going to an aa clubhouse soon because i just don't want too die. stuff is just overtqaking me at a rate that i am failing to maintain. i just cry and pray and boy am i just hurts i am am so scared...god i think any of me is just melted and i am raw..i just want to be can anybody do this to someone i don't know i try to be so good and that never matters to anyone either. i just knew during the night i was going to start digging on me again. i had all th tingles but i prayed and walked and cryed and it stoped. i don't like that and once you start a place you just can'y leave it alone and it hurts and hurts untill it is bleed out.. ifeel i am worse knowing what i am doing than doin g it sometimes

#55910 - 07/30/01 07:28 PM Re: It's just about to get me
dbr1955 Offline

Registered: 01/30/01
Posts: 69
Loc: Michigan

doug here, I know I hate the feelings too, michael , the fears, the parnoia, it is shitty, I will pray for you , and I hope things get better, Im crying now too, just the thought that I have so much baggage to deal with , sometimes it just doesnt seem fair, does it?


thanks for your friendship


#55911 - 07/30/01 09:09 PM Re: It's just about to get me
michaelb Offline

Registered: 04/21/01
Posts: 211
Loc: cincinnati, ohio sounds like you feel the way i do.....i pray each night that i will die in my sleep.....i wish my uncle would have killed me back then, it would have been so much easier than least you have a therapist to see......i tested my therapist a couple of months ago to see if he really cared about me...i called and cancelled our future sessions...i was so hoping he would call me because he cared.....not a word....i even left him a message a couple of weeks ago to see if i might be able to go back.....again no response......i guess he never really cared at all....just another case of being let down by somebody i cared bad must i be to even drive away a therapist after 5 months......i know i will not survive this, i keep trying to muster the courage to slit my wrists.....but everytime i start, it hurts so much....i'm not afraid of dying......i'm afraid of continuing to live with this unbearable pain....if your therapist cares about you trust them....i wish i could help you....if you'd like to talk, e-mail me at care of yourself........michael

#55912 - 07/30/01 11:07 PM Re: It's just about to get me

I waent to 2 aa clubhouses and sat in the parking lot in case i needed felt safe..i went to my therapist i had called. he wanted me to come. he spent over 2 hours with me at no charge. This man truly cares about me. I am just in a place right now. I feel the whole world of juggling balls i have kept going is up over me susupended. I can't juggle anymore and time stands still as i ponder.


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