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#55785 - 04/21/04 11:33 AM What to do with family?
learning2remember Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 403
Loc: Europe
Hey, everybody. I wrote about some of my problems in another topic that hasn't gotten much response, probably because of how inarticulate I was. I just couldn't organize my thoughts so I ranted forever. Briefly (too late? \:\) ) here are my questions:

What do you do when you know family (including perp.) is talking about you behind your back?

What do you do when they all agree you're making this up?(Their words: creating a crisis)

What do you do when you are actually able to get along with the perp?(It was 25 years ago, we were both minors, and he seems to be a different person now. Says he has no recollection at all.)

What do you do when they all seem sincerely concerned and very normal and reasonable, even while saying it just can't be true? They're not angry or calling names, they just don't believe my because they don't remember it and they assume they would.

What do you do when, for the first time in months, you think you're going crazy? (That was very, very hard to write, but I trust y'all.)

What can I do when my brother the perp has asked three "professionals" about my story and how I could remember something he doesn't, and every single one invalidated me without ever saying a word to me. (The pro's?--his singles pastor, a friend getting a master's in couseling, and our dad, a retired counselor)

For the first time in months I want to hurt myself. Don't worry, I won't. I promised myself a long time ago not to do that, and I keep my promises. I CAN BE TRUSTED. But just wanting to do it hurts in a special way.

And I was doing so well.

"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

#55786 - 04/21/04 12:19 PM Re: What to do with family?
Ivanhoe Offline

Registered: 03/19/03
Posts: 1907
Hey, L2R, it's David.

I just read back on one of your other posts to get some background.
Gosh, guy, you are number one, here, and I hate to say it, but the heck with them, for the time being, anyway.
You said that you've had some counseling and that's good. I don't know if you still are but it would be a good idea to have that person who could keep reminding you that you are number one.

It sounds awfully convenient for your family to check with others and then tell you what they said about you. Couldn't the whole thing be a fabrication? I mean, did you hear it from them, these other so called "counselors?" Or did you just hear that they talked to these people and here is what they said?
Don't believe a word they say. I'm glad to hear that they are loving, reasonable people but you may be intimidating them to death with your advanced degree.
Stick to your therapist, avoid your family while you're recovering, they sound too upsetting.
You are working through this and they aren't...they could have much difficulty in the future without addressing what you're going through now.
I think that you're a thinking, feeling man and that if you saw a son masturbating in front of you, you would take him out of the room and explain to him what's going on, if he didn't already know; you would tell him that his behavior is private. I think that you would assure him that he is a normal, healthy kid but that he would be doing that privately in his room from now on. I can't imagine that you would embarrass him, then or later.
While you say that your family is loving, I think that they are being extremely insensitive about all of this. Hopefully, your father wasn't involved in any other abuse.
Peace, strength and courage as you struggle with this.


"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence."
George Eliot

#55787 - 04/21/04 12:44 PM Re: What to do with family?
onlyakid Offline

Registered: 03/31/04
Posts: 1577
Loc: New Jersey
David is right, forget about what your family thinks for awhile you need to focus on your recovery. Your family is probably in denial, who would want to think that incest/sexual abuse happened under their roof. I highly doubt that they talked to these people you say, and if they did they are just spinning their story or outright lying about it.

The most important thing is this

1. Your Therapist BELIEVES YOU


"Being with people that understand you...Priceless"

"and i don't want the world to see me, cause i don't think that they'd understand"

"You don't know what love just do as your told"

"My life has changed. What you take as a simple thing, is not so simple for me anymore"

#55788 - 04/21/04 01:41 PM Re: What to do with family?
outis Offline

Registered: 02/27/03
Posts: 2261
Loc: Maryland USA

In all those cases (what do you do when...?), you do what is best for yourself and won't injure another. You will not injure your family by taking care of yourself. The truth may be painful to them, but you did not create that truth.

Don't take chances with cutting. Take care of yourself and don't rely solely on your promise. I wrote about cutting a couple months ago here.
It's a tough place to be, but it is possible to be safe. I know; I've been back there recently and I do not have the scars to show for it this time.



"Telemachos, your guest is no discredit to you. I wasted no time in stringing the bow, and I did not miss the mark. My strength is yet unbroken…"—The Odyssey, translated by W.H.D. Rouse

#55789 - 04/21/04 09:22 PM Re: What to do with family?
learning2remember Offline

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 403
Loc: Europe
Thank you and thank you.

I'm not a cutter in that I don't make incisions, but the link provided a healthy warning not to let my guard down regarding my own history of self-abuse.

I think I'm going to lay off my family for a while. I did not realize when I broke the silence with them that the Miranda Rights applied to me in this situation:

I have the right to remain silent. Anything I say can and will be used against me. (I just don't have the right in this family to due process!)

I guess I just didn't realize the extent to which I would be taken as the defendent. Naive on my part.

I may still speak to Dad, but may just let it go for now.

As far as his/their seeing me masturbate, I am sure I would give my children better parenting in that regard.

It is very possible that when my big brother perp spoke to various professionals, he heard only what he wanted to hear. That is, they might not have intended to give him quite the amount of comfort that he took.

Thanks again. Each and every response helps a lot.

Actually, just writing about it all did much good.

Just can't say thanks enough, but add that I still appreciate feedback.

"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy


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