That's because right now you are still taking responsibility for some of the things that happened. So part of the shame also belongs to you.
Eventually you will get past that one as well. It's a matter of first believing that NONE of the abuse was your fault, then learning to BELIEVE what you know, and then learning to TRUST these solid beliefs is tools you can use to rebuild your life.
You make a significant statement here:
I don't want to be 50 something (if I live that long) and still be the guy who was abused.
This goes back to that thread where I was arguing against allowing abuse to define us. Your statement shows how damaging this can be. You are JAYSEN, who has a cool bike, an ability with tools and machines, a band, a talent for music, and lots of other things. Does the fact that you were abused cancel all that out? Only if you allow it to. And why should you do that?
At 50 you will be Jaysen, not Abused Jaysen. IF that is what you insist on and work for.