I have been thinking about a song that was posted here a few months ago as I write this .... the song is Simon and Garfunkel's ...The Sounds of SIlence"
I have been withdrawing to myself a lot lately and I really need to start trying to come in here and talking to all on my friends.
Here is what is going on.
The other day I sent an e-mail to my attorney. In my conversations with him about the church and the minister at the church I have often made reference to the incident that happened 10 days before the Sexual Assault at the church. For those of you that have read my post you know that I am refering to the Rape that happened in the basement of a family friend.
You also know that when I treid to report this rape a few months ago I got nowhere with the Cheyenne Police. That is probably why I have retreated into my shell again. I felt like I could/was getting nothing done and no one was listening to me.
I still wonder if perhaps no one (especially my attorney) is listening to me. My attorney was confused why I was seeing the minister at the church. He thought I had gone to the minister to discuss Ted Perping me.
I sent My attorney a long e-mail telling him how wrong he was. I was seeing the minister because my parents had just found out I was gay. My parents had sent me to a homophobic Qwack of a shrink that was going to cure me of being gay.
When that didn't work my parents had me start seeing Dr. Laughlin at the church. I guess Dr. Laughlin was going to cure me of being gay by "laying on of hands"
Any way I told my attorney that I was not seeing Dr. Laughlin about Ted being a sexual preditor. It was only after I told Dr. Laughlin that Ted had raped me that Dr. Laughlin made the advance to sexually assault me.
What has occured though has been good and bad. By writing that e-mail to my attorney it brought back a ton of memories.
Those memories are that Ted started grooming me when I was 15 or 16. Ted would have me come to his car after choir practice at the church and show me gay porn. I guess I was currious, questioning, not sure of my sexual orrientation. Whatever the case Ted would show me gay porn in his Red Cadallic two door with leopard skin seats after choir practice.
Ted was also an opthomologist in town. He was my eye doctor. I know before I went off to college I had an eye exam. During that exam Ted fondeled my genitals. I am not sure if he did it when I was younger but I was still a minor the first time I can remember him fondeling me.
I also remember one night coming up the stairs from choir practice. Ted grabed my crotch at the top of the stairs and told me he wanted to preform oral sex on me. There were other people coming up the stairs behind us ... but I think Ted liked the thrill of thinking he might get caught.
I guess what I am trying to get at here is that I always placed a lot of emphasis on the rape. I think instead I need to place the emphasis on the fact that I was a minor when Ted started grooming me.
The other thing that has been troubling me is this.
I have a good frind that is a T in town. Jeff will not see me as a T because we know each other socially too well.
Last night a group of us went out to dinner. Before dinner Jeff and I were talking about everything that is going on with me .... how I am presently without a T ... and the frustration I am having trying to get in to see a T at the mental health center.
I told Jeff that all the crap that I had taken from Ted throughout the years was really taking its toll. Jeff told me that he suspects that Ted had 7 ot 8 boys and that I was just one of them.
I don't know what to think about that statement. I guess it sent off a ton of emotions.
The big thing that is bothering me is that about 25 years ago there were supposedly charges brought against Ted by a 13 year old black boy.
Ted is a very rich man. I have often said that the legal system of this country is designed for the RICH .... Look at O J and Patsy Ramsey. I am just wondering if that is what happened with Ted ... if he bought his way off......
Do I want to know if Jeff is right .... that there were others? All I know is that I don't know if I want to remember any more .... but I know that when I go to sleep tonight that the nightmares will probably remind me of more wether I want to remember or not.
From "Lion King" "The Circle of Life" with Lyrics
Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba [Here comes a lion, Father]
Sithi uhm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion] (Repeat)
Siyo Nqoba [We're going to conquer]
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala [As lion and a leopard come to this open place]