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#54001 - 07/24/01 03:15 AM I Need to Purge

Hello Everyone,
I feel a need to share as I am really confused and about to open the door again. I am 45 years old and as a young boy of 5-10 was sytematically used for sex by older neighborhood boys. I have and always have had clear memories of these events. Some are quite vivid. If i were an artist I could paint them. I have always just accepted this as part of my life. I was as expected quite confused, and still am, about my sexuality. I have had relationships with both men and women. I have been married for 9 years and have 2 children. I became an alcoholic probably around 17 or so and made it into the doors of AA in 1988. I was so amazed that there were people who wanted me for me. Not for sex and not for what I could give or do for them. I was quite driven to work my whole life I believe because if I did not have something of monetary value to offer no one would want me. I add here that in the 8 years prior to 88 I was living with a very domineering male. I lived pretty much as an animal. I was horrible as far as personal hygiene and my overall appearance. When that relationship ended as a direct result of my alcoholism I had massive abandonment and was a mess. This is when I found AA. I grew in knowledge of myself at this time and pursued a therapist and started addressing my issues and those of my abuse. In reflection I don't think I was real open with my therapist. I absorbed over and over "victims No Longer and other books of recovery and awareness. I was I think abusing myself at the rate I pursued recovery. Well what I thoiught was a path. My therapist used hypnosis extensively. Every session. That was intense as she sought the wounded little me. I could often not even drive when I left and had to go in her ..yep her.wonder about that...waiting area to try to return. I've kinda always know I was in here, this body. I always have envisioned myself as this little guy up in my head at the controls. See, I run this 6'4 225 lb guy to run interference and guard me. I think sometimes I have come down out of my head . That has happened 3 times in my life. It follows the end of a relationship. I always gain weight(a lot) during relationships and then am anorexic(like now) for a good while till something stops it. Ususally another relationship. Last time in 88 I lost 115 pounds in so short a time I will not mention it. I know I need to eat well but it just isn't the right thing to do. I can't stand to be discusted with myself. I do sometimes eat because my blood sugar gets low and i get dizzy. A relationship with my wife lead to alcohol in 92. I have been separated from my family for 6 months and sober that long also. I am back in the pattern. I am sitting on my hotel bed writing this looking at the copy of Victims's no longer I just purchase a few hours ago. Once again I am so greatful to be sober. I am a real miserable stay at home drunk. I guess it is all that stops the voices some time. I do, as before have a strong spiritual basis in my sobriety. God you see loves me and when i do let go of things they don't bother me as much. Behind everything must be my abuse. I have never felt it. never processed it. It just is.

I know this is quite rambling but I just wanted to expose myself for any support and comments you wonderful people may have.


[ 07-23-2001: Message edited by: MichaelW ]

#54002 - 07/24/01 04:46 AM Re: I Need to Purge
Brian B14 Offline

Registered: 05/04/01
Posts: 122
Loc: New York
Hi Mike,

It sounds like you are in a lot of pain right now. There are a lot of supportive people here for you to talk too. I hope you continue posting your thoughts and feelings here. If you read the other posts, you will find that a lot of people have the same feelings that you have. You are not alone!!

I hope you read "victims No Longer". I just spent the weekend at a retreat in PA. with the author (MIke Lew). When I first met him on Friday, I could tell he was passionate about male survivors. He is an amazing man with a heart of gold!

God Bless You,


#54003 - 07/24/01 10:45 AM Re: I Need to Purge
michael Joseph Offline

Registered: 03/11/01
Posts: 2719
Loc: Virginia
I just got back from Mike Lews weekend too!
Glad you are here. It is a great book, there are other books out there too. Keep talking to others.

Standing together is so much better than hiding in the dark.
***I am a three time WoR Retreat Alumni***
The Round Table, Men's CSA Group, Monday 7:30pm CST, MaleSurvivor Chat

#54004 - 07/24/01 07:19 PM Re: I Need to Purge
SoCalJohn Offline

Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California

I am glad to meet you, my story is in the our stories section, i am glad your here, this is a good place to talk some of it out, i hope you stick around some.

We have been saving a place for you, just for you.

Welcome home.


I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.


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