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#53782 - 07/22/01 11:19 PM New man after this crisis left...

Hello, all.

I just finished going through a major crisis after being triggered heavily by seeing the movie "Swordfish." I didn't make it past the scene where he had a gun to his head and was trying to break into the DoD computer.

I went home only to find my partner wathing a porno (another trigger) and got violent (put holes in the wall and through things) and thought I was going to lose my mind.

I went through periods where I just had to sit catatonically in a corner and not talk or look at anyone or anything. I wasn't any good to anyone at work--during the busiest season, no less.

My partner has been very good and telling me that, "it's not about the masturbation," etc. or all of the other issues/triggers that would come up. But seriously, I thought I was going to have a mental breakdown. Closing off and shutting down were ways I coped as a kid. So was getting anonymous sex and masturbating.

I was neglected and physically abused by my parents. Don't remember when the sexual abuse came in, but I remember all of a sudden not being able to control my bowel movements and constantly shi**ing my pants in elementary school. That only started deep rooted scars of being embarrassed, etc. I would try to hide my messy pants or flush them down the toilet. We all know how cruel kids can be. I became a recluse and felt like a total outcast. And, being gay was no help.

Through my relationship (really my first intimate one), I have struggeled to loose the feeling that nothing else around my mattered except for me. It's always about me--my pain, my moods, my sexual desire, etc. Also, my partner couldn't look at anyone else or fantasize about anyone else or I would loose it. How unfortunate a struggle.

But this last crisis was a real turning point. When my therapist told me a couple of weeks ago about a narcicistic wound, that masturbation and sexual fantasies (especially strong male sleazy dirty pornographic raw powerful ones like S&M or bondage or something really dark and dismal) are really triggers--that it's not really about my partner masturbating that sets me off--it's the old feelings coming back. It's the wound.

I spent the last couple of weeks getting in touch with feelings that I didn't know I had. Feelings have just been leaking out--bad feelings. I didn't realize them because I have been masking them with my sexuality and picking fights with my partner.

I feel like this insight has really given me a chance to find some well sought after peace. I am starting to feel like there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I will be 35 years old soon. I think it will be a very happy birthday.

I'm new on this board. Many thanks to everyone just for being here and posting their feelings and ideas. It is such a relief to know that I'm not alone--even though I logically know there *must* be more out there like me.

I wish everyone peace and happiness, including myself. And thank you especially to my partner, Doug. I love you, dear sir.

Scotty \:\)

#53783 - 07/23/01 12:26 AM Re: New man after this crisis left...

Its rough when sexuality "covers" other types of pain. It can all be so confusing and powerful. It sounds like you really went through something.

We can't help what happened to us (I only wish we could), We can only change ourselves and how we react. I have very intense reactions to things and its only through lots of work in therapy that I have learned how to express the rage/anxiety I feel and utlimately. . . recognize the triggers. How often, I wish for a roadmap - its not so easy and progress is slow. . .YOU certainly are not alone!!!

Here's to your insights -- and your loving relationship to help support you through it. How lucky you are to have someone who cares.

D. \:\)

#53784 - 07/24/01 06:13 PM Re: New man after this crisis left...
SoCalJohn Offline

Registered: 05/18/01
Posts: 510
Loc: Los Angeles, California

someone once told me that the most important work we can ever do in life is the work we do on ourselves, now he was a guru type and we were on top of a mountain and it was snowing so naturally i discounted everything he said cus it was so cold, and he was so old, and the thought keeps coming back to me from time to time.

and when i read your post i thought to myself, hmmm, i guess the only person we really got a shot at changing is ourselves, brilliant idea huh?

Scotty, i just wanna say i like what your doing and leave it at that, k


I asked him about this law he spoke of, he said,,, *watch* he then asked the others to share about their lives,,, the others talked of how things were for them, how things worked in their lives,,, and as they believed, it was so.


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