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#530549 - 01/08/19 11:08 AM Please share your sexual success stories
Strangeways Offline


Registered: 10/11/18
Posts: 114
Loc: Pennsylvania
As I have gone down the path of trying to heal, I find sex to be the largest stumbling block. And since I am married and would like to continue to be married to my wife, I approach the topic of healing with some urgency.

For awhile I was so messed up I couldn't have sex with her - for five entire years. This, of course, changed our entire sexual dynamic. I think she even started to hate me for awhile. I certainly hated myself.

*possible triggers this paragraph* But as I got deeper into trauma therapy and started dosing myself with cannabis, I found that I could have sex, after a fashion. I had to imagine the particulars of my abuse in order to get erect and orgasm, but I enjoyed the physical sensations, if not the mental requirements.

Now that I've stopped automatically imagining my abuse during sex, I find that I can ... just no longer have sex. Of any kind. Nothing works - I may mentally want to have sex, but my body simply refuses.

Has anyone succeeded in integrating their body and their mind enough to actually complete AND ENJOY the physical act of sex with another person? If so, please share your story with me. I am feeling lower than I have in years and I'm afraid that, considering my age and my issues, I'm not ever going to be able to have and enjoy ANY act of sex with my wife again. I'm even considering divorce or telling her to go find another sex partner, because I just can't see it ever happening again for me.


Edited by Strangeways (01/08/19 11:15 AM)

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#530565 - 01/09/19 01:36 PM Re: Please share your sexual success stories [Re: Strangeways]
Tom E. Offline


Registered: 01/08/17
Posts: 666
Loc: FL
Unfortunately I learned early to be passive with men and women, letting them take control. I've been that way all my life. I look back with dissatisfaction over the course of my life, sad to say. I try to be more assertive, but very quickly it escalates into out of control anger & rage.

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#530571 - 01/09/19 03:15 PM Re: Please share your sexual success stories [Re: Strangeways]
betrayed boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 01/14/15
Posts: 169
Loc: NY
hi, have you seen a dr. about this ?, it could be a physical issue and there's things you can do to get and maintain an erection, you ever try Viagra ? there's implants you can get in your penis you pump them up you have an erection then have sex then release the pressure you go soft again i'm not sure about what it all takes to do but its something to look into may save your marriage, good luck BB.
_________________________
Force's beyond your control can take away everything you possess Except one thing- Your FREEDOM to choose how you will respond to the situation. Victor E. Frankl.........HE who has a why to live for can bear almost any how...Nietzsche

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#530602 - 01/10/19 04:07 PM Re: Please share your sexual success stories [Re: Strangeways]
Strangeways Offline


Registered: 10/11/18
Posts: 114
Loc: Pennsylvania
betrayed boy - I have accumulated a lot of Viagra, but have few chances to even try to use it.

At therapy today my therapist reminded me that there are two people in every relationship and that my wife could have helped to try to fix things sex-wise between us at any point in our marriage - but chose not to, so half the blame (where blame can be placed) should go onto her.

I can't tell you what a relief that was to hear and understand. I have been taking the full blame for our sex problems, and that's a problem of its own.

I'm still searching for a sex therapist for us, but ones who understand trauma are difficult to find.

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#530610 - 01/10/19 08:06 PM Re: Please share your sexual success stories [Re: Strangeways]
Esterio Offline


Registered: 07/11/17
Posts: 616
Loc: south west coast canada bc
Hi Strangeways


I am sorry you are experiencing this as well. Thanks for the topic. good luck

Take Care
Esterio


Edited by Esterio (01/11/19 12:03 AM)
Edit Reason: was not a positive response
_________________________
Peace be safe.

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#530630 - 01/11/19 10:08 PM Re: Please share your sexual success stories [Re: Strangeways]
JamesM Offline


Registered: 01/30/18
Posts: 172
Loc: UK
Hi Strangeways,

I am somewhat aware of my abuse during sex, but it is getting less and less in the way. I had a partner 20 years ago who wanted to help me, but I had no idea how to help myself. After several years we parted and I seemed content without sex. A few months ago I entered a relationship and hoped I would be able to get past the flashbacks and emotions that got in the way before. I feel that I am sexually submissive because of my abuse, but that I am not naturally that way. My partner wants to help me, but the difference is that I know I can help myself and accept help from her. It is her support before, during and after sex that is helping me to integrate feelings and memories from abuse with new ones.

After a few weeks I suggested we might go to bed together and she was more than willing, but had wanted me to set the pace. At first I was uncertain and at times apprehensive of how I would react. I was not able to maintain erections for long and I would feel emotionally detached from the experience. At first she was enthusiastic and encouraged lots of touching and sometimes penetration. She becomes aroused easily by me and finds it difficult to hold back. This often became negative for me and I would become anxious and unable to continue. Sometimes I would wake in the night feeling afraid and it took me a short while to become oriented.

Sometimes I would need distance and felt angry towards her. I started talking to my therapist and partner about my fears and gradually I began enjoying touching, tickling and kissing more and more. I tend to anticipate what she wants and she says I am naturally able to get her highly aroused. Lately I have been talking about my feelings and abuse memories as they occur. This is better for both of us, since she wants to understand how to help and I can express what I feel more accurately. I do not become aroused if she is on top, but I am beginning to enjoy a lot of touching and kissing. I let my child feelings out more easily now and do that during lovemaking and sometimes during sex.

Lately my erections have been harder, last longer and I can be inside her for over 25 minutes. Orgasms feel much closer, but I do not reach that level. I am now feeling more passionate than I can ever remember being and this increases my arousal greatly. I am feeling more comfortable inside her and like sharing the experience. We both want me to be assertive and express my feelings during sex. I am increasingly less inhibited and am finding ways of getting and keeping her aroused whilst enjoying my own arousal. A few months ago I was not able to experience the feelings that I do now. My whole body feels more sensitive and my mind and body feel more integrated.

I had no real feelings for my partner at first, but she was interested in me and liked my openness in describing my childhood and abuse. It has taken me a long time to form a high level of trust in her and I feel amazed sometimes how supportive she is. I am able to express my feelings towards her now without it feeling like the lie I used to tell when I would say to my parents I loved them. I have felt more and more that I can only get past the abuse by understanding it at least in part through similar experiences. That happens most often during periods of lovemaking and sex when I become triggered. I think and sometimes talk about the memories that surface, but I remain connected to the present.

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#530638 - 01/12/19 12:59 PM Re: Please share your sexual success stories [Re: JamesM]
EdfromNYC Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/18/10
Posts: 368
Loc: New York City
James

This is GREAT! Such progress, such detail, such self-awareness. And you provide hope and experience that there are women who like us as we are, for who we are and that our abuse pasts don't have to run our lives forever. You show that we can actually grow in our healing/recovery and become trusting and sexually intimate men within relationships.

I love reading your detail and your message of your own progress such as being able to stay erect and harder for longer and being able to stay present and her being aroused and you becoming more okay with it. Even the detail about her being on top and your own reaction. It's great to read a man who is putting into action new behaviors and a man who is trying new things and learning to trust and be okay with the past bleeding in sometimes and not shutting down completely or giving up.

This reads very real to me and I'm grateful that you share the details.
_________________________
And more, much more, the heart may feel,
Than the pen may write or the lip reveal.
Winthrop Mackworth Praed

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#530639 - 01/12/19 02:21 PM Re: Please share your sexual success stories [Re: Strangeways]
Strangeways Offline


Registered: 10/11/18
Posts: 114
Loc: Pennsylvania
Thanks for posting James.

I wish I felt gratitude that you posted that, but instead I just feel jealousy. I don't think my own relationship could possibly match the joy you have.

Maybe that means it's time for me to leave it.

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#530666 - 01/13/19 08:54 PM Re: Please share your sexual success stories [Re: Strangeways]
JamesM Offline


Registered: 01/30/18
Posts: 172
Loc: UK
Thanks for your comments EdfromNYC and Strangeways.

My partner told me that I had changed her outlook completely and that her past relationships had not been as emotionally intimate. At first I was rather uncertain and wondered about my ability to return such feelings. I accepted that she was being open and honest and began developing trust and love. I grew up providing emotional and sexual support in my dysfunctional family and am learning to accept support from my partner. She says I have no difficulty in supporting her and do so very well. I have to embrace the emotionally and sexually abused boy that I was rather than continuing to deny him or feeling ashamed.

In my previous relationship I was unable to respond as I do now. I put that down mainly to my inability to respond consistently in an adult way both emotionally and sexually.

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