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#530175 - 12/25/18 09:32 AM Abused by my Mother by Emotional/Covert Incest
nomad510 Offline


Registered: 04/02/13
Posts: 45
Sorry for the long post guys, I'm just trying to find other guys on here who have dealt with the same abuse from their mother as I have, it's a new discovery for me, although I always knew this abuse took place and affected my life, I had a hard time putting a context to it. Would like to hear other's stories on covert/emotional incest with their mothers, and how they dealt with it.

Here's some of my story:

I had originally come to this forum years ago because for the first time in my 35 years of living I was dealing with the sexual abuse I received from my father. I had been through a lot of therapy, books and support forums and truly feel healed for the most part.

And now after recently therapy sessions with my skilled therapist, who helped me uncover the hard to identify abuse from my relationship with my mother, I am now dealing with the lifelong effects of being abused by my mother through emotional or covert incest.

It's something that was hard to identify because there wasn't a common context or framework to which I had knowledge of and could examine it from. I always knew my mother was manipulative, insecure, needy and did not treat me with love as a child. In fact as a 41-year-old adult now I can honestly say I have no feelings of love or affection towards my mom. She has been so invasive in my life, and so destructive (in my opinion) in her other children, and grandchildren's lives that I am looking forward to the day she is not here anymore. It's fucked up to say that about your own mother but that's how I feel.

She never sexually abused me, so it was difficult for me to put a finger on what was wrong, especially when I was dealing with the sexual abuse I received from my father. But what I always knew that what she was doing was very subtle, and almost if not more effective in controlling my life.

For those who aren't familiar with the term yet, it is essentially defined as a parent who makes a surrogate spouse out of one of their children. This parent creates an inappropriate emotional bond between the child and themselves and the effects on the child can be lifelong and damaging, especially if they never become aware of the abuse. A good book on the subject is "Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners" by Kenneth M. Adams.

My mother had absolutely 0 boundaries with me, she was/still is deeply insecure, needy and narcissistic and this abuse I believe must have happened to me at a very early age because of the level of control she was able to have. She can get in my mind and my train of thought and get me to hear her voice whenever I am contemplating something or thinking about something. She put me on a pedestal and also manipulated me into thinking I had a mental health issue as another way of controlling me. She I believe was mentally ill at times. Her two marriages were not fulfilling and she leaned on me for support. Made me her companion when she was feeling lonely, I was forced to go shopping with her, go on trips or errands and also do anything around the house that she couldn't or didn't want to do, I was her little man. I was her object. Often in her room, while nobody was around she would make me rub oil or lotion on her feet. I was between 7 and 10. This gave her a lot of joy and pleasure, I remember her smiling a lot and making me feel good about what I was doing. This was a contrast to how she treated me in front of other people, often avoiding eye contact altogether but at the same time keeping constant tabs on me.

She also seemed to have a physical attraction towards me but never acted it out sexually. She would always comment on how my clothes looked, or my hair. But she would never say I was handsome, while my aunts and grandparents had no problem calling me handsome I believe she was afraid to do it out of giving any sign of her attraction. As an adult, I've caught her looking at me many times that gives me a really creepy feel, and when I look at her she looks away or acts like she wasn't looking at me. I've seen her stare at my genital area too and sensed that she got some rush or energy out of it.

I also believe she is attracted to children. Her whole life she spent around children, a daycare, then teaching preschool. She talks about them, and has a "need" to be around them, even babies, she objectifies them and gets her needs met through children.

I remember vividly the sense of her being jealous of my 3rd and 5th-grade female teachers when they would compliment me. Is this normal? I've always had fear as an adult of women getting jealous.

I have not been able to have a relationship that lasted more than 10 months, and I have had many relationships throughout my life, sexual addition to escape, and even given up on relationships altogether. I went to therapy again because I noticed that after moving back to my hometown, and closer to my mother I couldn't have a relationship with women anymore, nor did I have any desire, this is after I became mostly healed from sexual abuse from my father, so it was confusing to me why I felt stuck. The covert/emotional incest from my mother explained the reasons why. The book was incredible and told much of my life story with my mother. Now I'm trying to heal and making progress.

She made me her close confidant and confided with me many things about other people or her marriages, everything she said she said it as though it was not her opinion but fact, the absolute truth, most of it was gossip and putting others down. She liked it when is was weak, dealing with depression or anxiety so she could have more control over me. She got me to be closer with her and tell her basically everything that I was thinking. Again no boundaries.

I started dating a girl and noticed I was getting really jealous and insecure when something would happen like she would turn her phone off and not reply to my message. I start getting very suspicious of what she is doing and imagining all kinds of scenarios. She doesn't seem to be anything like my other which is a good thing. And I'm trying to remember that is my mother who was the shady one, manipulating and pretending to be something that she was not. I need to get this out from the shadows and put it in the right place so it's not affecting my relationships. I would like to have a loving relationship that leads to marriage and kids and I want to keep them away from my mother.

It's been a difficult journey with some progress recently. I'm just tired of having fucked up parents that have effectively ruined most of my life and kept me from experiencing long lasting true love.

Any help or advice is much appreciated, thanks guys­čś×


Edited by nomad510 (12/25/18 09:47 AM)

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#530177 - 12/25/18 12:11 PM Re: Abused by my Mother by Emotional/Covert Incest [Re: nomad510]
TJ jeff Offline
Moderator

Registered: 08/07/04
Posts: 3678
Loc: Northern Wisconsin
I want you to know that you are definitely not alone in your struggles

my mother had her own brand of manipulation (and still tries it when she gets a chance)

I get what you mean with the "Zero Boundaries" - my bedroom was the common landing at the top of the stairs on the 2nd floor of the house and it had no doors - just an open area for anyone passing through to see - the bathroom was on the other end so my room was always being gone through anytime someone needed to go upstairs, downstairs, or to the bathroom - I know that after I started getting my own money and started buying my own clothes (early teens) that my mother started making comments of how nice I looked - it was not uncommon while growing up to see each other in various states of undress - but I do remember that it made me a bit uncomfortable at times when my mother would make comments on how good I looked in my underwear (I hated tighty-whiteys (thanks uncle) so I started wearing colored bikini briefs as soon as I started buying my own) - after I got out of the military I went back home for almost a year - I had changed to colored boxer-briefs and was horrified when she started buying them for my dad (who had ALWAYS worn tighty-whiteys before)

I remember how much my mother disapproved of my 1st girlfriend - so I dumped her - and I still regret that to this very day

When I look back now I can see all of those times when I was clearly manipulated - sad I didn't see it then
_________________________
Who will cry for the little boy? - I will... - Antwone Fisher

Abuse happens in silence/isolation - Recovery happens only when that silence/isolation is broken...

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#530215 - 12/26/18 09:11 PM Re: Abused by my Mother by Emotional/Covert Incest [Re: nomad510]
flying Offline


Registered: 03/31/18
Posts: 51
Loc: Ohio
Wow, this is really close to home for me. Since about the age of 3 I haven't felt comfortable with my mom, I felt as if she wanted to have sex with me. Over the years there were many things she did covertly, be flirtatious, give me compliments on my looks, be my confidant about my sexual identity issues, listen to me about my depression. She even started surfing so she could show up at my surf spots.

My wife is a good mom, and our 10 year old son is safe with her. She is a mom to him. I feel like I didn't have a mom emotionally, I was always afraid something sexual would happen. I can't remember feeling safe and getting a motherly hug from her. I feel very sad about this.

I have had to set boundaries with my mom over and over during the past 20 years. I even didn't speak to her for a year. She has no boundaries, wants what she wants, and doesn't remember the boundaries I have set. I moved across the country for college many years ago to get away from her. I am still 2000 miles from her.

I love her. She is a really cool person, nice, smart, fun to be with. But there is this other stuff that weighs me down, makes me want to cry. When I talk to her on the phone I blank out, sometimes I don't remember what was said. I still feel uncomfortable hugging her, and she has made my 10 year old son uncomfortable too. He can feel the vibe from her.

I've had sexual problems emotionally my whole life, partly because of this. Also because of the men who tried taking advantage of me sexually growing up.

Sometimes I feel so different and wonder what is wrong with me, why I am depressed or confused after all these years. But when I look at my past, it makes sense that I still struggle.

Thanks for sharing, I don't have any advice. But I can relate.

Ben

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#530487 - 01/06/19 02:27 AM Re: Abused by my Mother by Emotional/Covert Incest [Re: nomad510]
Alonso Offline


Registered: 08/31/16
Posts: 76
Loc: Spain
I feel identified with some parts of your story. In a nutshell, my father abused my sister overtly and my mother abused me "semi-covertly" and made me her partner. Apart from that they abused us heavily both physically and emotionally. I'm also 41 and, just like you, I only acknowledged my mother's sexual abuse very recently, about three years ago. You can read a more detailed summary in my introductory thread. I've also done a lot of therapy, although in my case the therapists were not so skilled, probably because I sabotaged my therapeutic process.

My mother is a psychopathic criminal, there is no doubt in my mind that the world will be a better place the day she dies.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice for you, I just hope that sharing helps us. I have done very significant progress in my healing process over the last twelve years, but from your post I feel you're more advanced in your healing process than I am. Currently I am stuck in a state of deep grief and depression caused by the constant discovery of new extents of the criminal behavior of my parents.

Originally Posted By nomad510
I have not been able to have a relationship that lasted more than 10 months, and I have had many relationships throughout my life, sexual addition to escape, and even given up on relationships altogether.
I'd like to hear more about that if you feel like sharing because I also tend to meet many woman, but in my case I always reject them very quickly, usually as soon as they show interest in having sex. I recently created a thread in which I describe one of the last cases.

Based on your recommendation I have just bought "Silently seduced". It looks like it might very relevant for me.
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#530618 - 01/11/19 05:42 AM Re: Abused by my Mother by Emotional/Covert Incest [Re: nomad510]
learning2remember Offline
Member

Registered: 10/21/03
Posts: 413
Loc: Europe
This is a hard thread to read, and I've started it several times. Maybe responding will stabilize me a bit. My mother, too, abused me covertly. She often had something to say to me while I was getting dressed, so that gave her an excuse to hang out at my door when I was in my underwear. There was something about the way she looked at me and she definitely made lots of comments. There were also times, in the morning, when she was also getting dressed, and she would some to my door with nothing on on top. I either had to turn away from my Mom as she was talking to me or look at her half naked. For a while in therapy I thought it would be good to list everything, thinking there would be, I don't know 5 incidents or 10 or 20. At some point, I gave up. It was about atmosphere, dynamic, things she said that could have been ok if it weren't for things she was also doing. There was also some touching, but it was all very subtle. I didn't recognize any of it as abuse at the time.She died 9 years ago, but I think she will always be in my head. When I notice a beatiful woman, I hear her saying, "I know what you're looking at." It's awful, really. I'm also convinced she abused my older brother, who in turn raped me. Still, what I would say is that even though my brother fondled and raped me, and my mother sometimes touched me, the covert abuse is as bad as or worse than all of that.
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"This is not my shame, this is their shame." Mona Eltahawy

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#530623 - 01/11/19 06:29 PM Re: Abused by my Mother by Emotional/Covert Incest [Re: nomad510]
edge67 Offline


Registered: 01/02/18
Posts: 4
So much of this rings true. My mother most definitely put me on a pedestal. My childhood was a never-ending mix of auditions, rehearsals and performances. It started before even my earliest memories - I was modeling baby clothes for mail order catalogs before I could walk, and I continued to model for them into my teens. There were dance classes, youth theaters, the church choir. I even made it into a couple of TV ads that briefly made me a minor celebrity at school. But by the age of 9 it was becoming clear I wasn't going to be the star she believed I should be. I was always in the chorus, never the lead. To her it was an injustice. Sometimes she would rail against the people who she thought had unfairly overlooked me, but just as often she would rail against me, telling me to practice more, to try harder. The psychological and emotional abuse was there all along, though I didn't recognize it as such at the time. It just felt like a lot of pressure.

But looking back I can see there were other, more unsettling undercurrents that I didn't recognize, but which served as a foretaste of what would happen later. I naturally spent a lot of time in changing rooms, and up until I was 9 my mother almost always had a reason to join me. Though she wasn't the only mother who did this, she did it much more frequently than any other, and she was definitely the only one who would regularly wander into the boys' shower rooms at the dance studio. To me it wasn't a big deal, but to someone else it apparently was. I strongly suspect one of the other boys or their parents complained. For whatever reason, she abruptly stopped doing it when I was about 9. I'm certain that it was a combination of this, and her frustrated theatrical ambitions for me, that led to the subsequent, overt sexual abuse.

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#530657 - 01/13/19 11:19 AM Re: Abused by my Mother by Emotional/Covert Incest [Re: nomad510]
Alonso Offline


Registered: 08/31/16
Posts: 76
Loc: Spain
All of this is becoming very confusing, which is so frustrating after so many years of self help and therapy. The similarities of my story with yours, edge67, are striking.

My very blurred (or sometimes simply missing) childhood memories seem to reveal a first ten years of my life during which I was often praised. I wouldn't talk about pedestals, but it seems clear that my grandma, who was mainly in charge of my nurturing, considered me her favorite grandson from a grand total of ten. She would often call me "my little king". It was assumed that my intelligence would lead me to big things, whether it was working for NASA or curing cancer (fast forward to 2019 and I have been unemployed for years). While the surface looked nice and promising, a bit (but not much) deeper, there was the covert abuse of my mother towards me; the overt abuse of my father towards my sister; the oblivious abuse of myself towards my younger sister; the vicious abuse of my older sister towards me; the cruelty of my psychopathic mother organizing all of it; and the sadness of my unintelligent and uneducated grandma realizing that she was just uncapable of understanding, let alone protecting us from, the abuse of her own daughter.

When I was 10 my mother decided that she didn't want any more interferences from her mother or anybody else in the family, so she kicked her mother out of the house and made us relocate to Madrid, hundreds of kilometers away, to far for a child to stay in touch with anybody. Shortly after that all hell broke loose and the worst part of the very overt physical and emotional abuses started.
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