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#530509 - 01/06/19 05:05 PM Re: Been asked to not talk about it [Re: Me1974]
manipulated Offline
Greeter

Registered: 09/25/14
Posts: 841
Loc: Great Lakes Wine Country
I am so glad to hear you are both receiving the professional help you need at this juncture in your relationahip. Survivor here.

TRIGGER WARNING ------ Perp was Scoutmaster who also was an elder in our church and my father's childhood friend. I was a victim from ages 11 to 15. Believing first his lines that old fashioned people did not understand how older men had a responsibility to educate boys as their bodies matured and later threats that I was obviously queer and would not be believed I did not disclose to my wife or ANYONE not in the troop at the time for over 40 years. After 30+ years of faithful, monogamous marriage I first started searching for similar stories online, led to porn, led to attempting to set up to re enact with an even older male. Wife found texts before we met. Together, wife and I went to ask for castration. Doctor said not done, she stormed out and he referred me to a therapist after consulting colleagues. Wife attended first session where I first disclosed to anyone the fact that I was sexual with my scoutmaster from ages 11 to 15.5 and the "Certified Sex Addiction Therapist" assured us both the problem was not that old abuse but my "sexual addiction" something not even in the Diagnostic Manual so our very good insurance paid nothing for her diagnosis. On way home from the first session and my first ever disclosure my wife lambasted me as a weak "queer" for the first time disclosing to me she was sexually abused by a relative "all my life until you moved me out"...I never knew....Thus started a rollercoaster for three years, involved two couples counselors both of which she refused quickly to see again, and I went through three personal T until I finally started making progress with a sexual trauma specialist who discussed the Mike Lew book and a couple of others I had read by then in depth. She filed for divorce and it became final just before what would have been our 35th anniversary.

During this time she waffled from "we can't tell anyone anything" and condemning my first disclosures to Pastors and close friends, to telling my adult children their father is a queer, demanding a divorce, and posting my childhood abuse on facebook all while refusing to acknowledge she needs help too.

Shortly after she filed for divorce she drunkenly told my current lady friend her version of my "queer" past and how over our marriage was. For that last act I will be forever grateful - When I started to be serious about my lady friend I sat her down and told her as much as I remembered and how my "acting out" resulted in my marriage dissolving. Since she already heard the other side rather than the shock or disgust I expected I finally found support and unconditional love. Something I found I had never before experienced.

I guess what I am trying to convey is you both need help. You both are going to have to find a way to communicate and move on - or quickly cut your losses and move on. life is too short to hold grudges or question your spouse but the past IS all too often a survivor's present and unfortunately probably a part of our future as the Men In Black memory wiping gizmo has yet to be invented that I remember. It has gotten so much better- easier to be communicative, intimate, and share emotions as they arise and before they take over. Life IS worth living again.

You might also want to read some of the articles by Joe Kort - available at no charge on his blog on his theory of how the past effects survivor behaviour in the present. He is somewhat controversial and I believe is also a "certified Sex Addiction" Therapist...a counseling treatment that hurt much more than helped me but his articles, like Mike Lew's book started me forward finally.
_________________________
.Be who you are and say what you feel
...............Because those who mind don't matter
............And those who matter don't mind.
.......................-- Dr. Seuss

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#530548 - 01/08/19 10:58 AM Re: Been asked to not talk about it [Re: Me1974]
Strangeways Offline


Registered: 10/11/18
Posts: 114
Loc: Pennsylvania
Actually Joe Kort abandoned the "sex addiction" model years ago and currently speaks out against it a lot.

Manipulated, I am so sorry you were married to such a horrible person but I'm glad the story had a happy ending.

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#530550 - 01/08/19 02:16 PM Re: Been asked to not talk about it [Re: manipulated]
traveler Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/07/06
Posts: 4523
Loc: NE Ohio
Manipulated - this is so profound!--- :

Originally Posted By manipulated
the past IS all too often a survivor's present and unfortunately probably a part of our future
_________________________
"The wound is the place where the light enters you."
- Rumi

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#530551 - 01/08/19 03:02 PM Re: Been asked to not talk about it [Re: Me1974]
Chase Eric Offline
Moderator

Registered: 10/25/10
Posts: 3322
I agree with Traveler that Mani has spoken a powerful truth. Our roots can be no more forgotten than those of an Oak tree. I used to think I needed to just "get over it." But no matter how old we get, we stand on the feet of the children we were. It's in our core. When we try to deny it, ignore it, forget it or minimize it, we crumble. Ask any survivor who tried.
_________________________
..



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